Past Projects > Jerungdu > Script Archive > Surfcracker > SC (2) > SC (Part 3)
The Surfcracker! A Surf Adaptation of the Nutcracker (Part 3)
Music adapted from Pete Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker"
Idea by Michael Donahue et al
play by Robert Eichinger, Michael Donahue and Mo Donahue
All rights reserved 2000
Scene 19: Beach
VIDEO CUE:
WAVES #1
Dadoo, and Hot babe are standing in a circle.
DADOO
No one can beat us. The beach is ours, Dude.
HOT BABE
No weather report tonight. We don’t want the competition to know what they’re going to have to surf.
SOUND CUE:
HOT RODS
The sound of hot rods is quickly followed by the arrival of the rat finks (Eddie, Skinny, Clara, Duchess, and Leathergirl.) Surfdude enters, sees the Duchess and appears nervous.
SURFDUDE (To the audience)
The Duchess is surfing for the Rat Finks. I can't beat her. We might as well give up.
HOT BABE
What? You got to surf. You just got to.
SURFDUDE
I dared to use my spiritual connection with the water in a mere competition. I won’t surf if it will hurt Jesus. My soul means more than my board.
DADOO
If you can’t surf against Jesus, maybe you can surf for him. I will build you a board that is a shrine to the water walker, Dude. If I can find a way where you can preach the gospel of the lord Jesus and surf in a contest at the same time, maybe then you would be forgiven and God will be on our side. I mean, this Jesus thing is the only reason you won’t surf right? Like, the Dude ain’t afraid of no chicks.
SURFDUDE (Half hearted)
Okay, I’ll do it.
VIDEO CUE:
WAVES VIDEO FADES OUT
Scene 20: Hollywood Movie Set
DIRECTOR
Cut! You were terrible. Those aren’t even your lines. Wrap. Print.
DADOO (Actor)
No second take?
SURFDUDE (Actor)
If we were that bad couldn’t we try it again?
DIRECTOR
You got ten grand?
DADOO (Actor)
No.
DIRECTOR
Cut it! Wrap it! Print it! Everyone on set for scene Seventy three!
Everyone exits. Elvis enters and makes a call at a pay phone.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Hey Larry, it’s Elvis. Did you get that promotion? Remember when I invited you to Memphis for Christmas and you said you couldn’t come because you were passed over on account of being Jewish? I made a couple calls and got you a promotion. Starting Monday you’re a Protestant. What? Don’t you dare laugh at Elvis. Say Elvis fans also love Elvis’s Momma. Repeat that. Thanks, Larry. Elvis loves his script revisions, Elvis loves the next scene, and Elvis appreciates his agent Larry. Gotta go. Gotta move.
DIRECTOR
Everyone on set for scene seventy three! I’m serious. Let’s go. Aaaaand Action!!!
VIDEO CUE:
WIPE OUT VIDEO
Scene 21: Beach
Sunny Beach video projected.
Music starts Song for Myself Instrumental. Eddie, Duchess, and Leathergirl are surfing for the Rat Finks. Eddie and Leathergirl give each other nasty looks. Surfdude, Dadoo, and Hot Babe are surfing for the Beach Bums. Hot Babe and Dadoo don’t know how to surf and are clumsy besides. Surfdude is on a board that looks like a manger, he has a crown of thorns, and a loin cloth. Clara and the lifeguard are left on the beach together. Clara is in a Rat Fink jacket. Clara and the lifeguard flirt with their eyes. At first the Lifeguard looks disappointed and Clara embarrassed. The teams of surfers keep switching off. One team pretends to surf then runs off the stage and the other runs on starting with the Rat Finks. The Wave dancers keep pulling down surfers one by one from both teams and beating them up until only the Dude and Duchess are still on their feet. The waves start dancing for and flirting with the Dude and Duchess. The boy wave with Surfdude and the girl wave with the Duchess. This escalates until the Dude and Duchess are making out with their same sex waves. The Dude and Duchess look at each other and nod. They strip down into rainbow bathing suits and raise rainbow gay pride flags from the back of their boards.
VIDEO CUE:
WIPE OUT VIDEO FADES OUT
Scene 22: Hollywood Movie Set
DIRECTOR
Cut, cut, what the Hell is going on here? The rainbow gay pride flags don't even fit the time period of this surfer movie. Come to think of it, Lisa Marie wasn't even born yet. This doesn't make any sense at all.
Waves exit.
FRITZ (Elvis)
This is just part of my latest script improvements little lady. You see in order for Elvis to get the girl, all of the competition has to be eliminated. So, (to Surfdude and Eddie) you two faggots start faggoting, (to Sue and Leathergirl) and you two lesbos start lesby-ating.
HOT BABE
Hey, there's no one here for me to dyke out with.
FRITZ (Elvis)
You didn't read my script improvements. Why don't you check in your bikini bottoms.
Hot Babe:
(Screams) I'm a drag queen!!!
FRITZ (Elvis)
Be happy little lady. No more penis envy for you.
Hot Babe walks offstage arm in arm with Dadoo.
SKINNY
What about me?
FRITZ
Why don't you run along and get me some coffee.
Skinny walks off dejected.
DIRECTOR
I'm ruined! The critics are gonna crucify me. I'll never work in Hollywood again! I'll wind up directing second rate THEATER in some small time midwestern ART house! SHIT!
Director exits.
FRITZ (Elvis)
(Grabs her megaphone) Let the show begin... Aaand ACTION!
Scene 23: Beach
VIDEO CUE: SUNSET 2
Music starts, Waltz of the Surfers Reprise The characters sing.
SURFDUDE
My mind is now open wide
I have a new sense of pride
EDDIE
Now I have a brand new ride
I will tailpipe dis guy
BOTH
There’s no reason left to hide
LEATHERGIRL
I’ve given up boys for girls
Wanna spank them and pull on their curls
SUE
Whip me beat me I won’t cry
If I can’t have you I will die
BOTH
It’s a bright shiny lavender world
FRITZ
(to a reluctant Clara)
Don't say "return to sender,"
Please just BLOW me tender,
If I'm not on a bender,
I'll hang ten forever.
ALL
Salt is in the air,
Wind is in our hair,
Life without a care,
We'll hang ten forever!
VIDEO CUE:
SUNSET 2 VIDEO FADES OUT
Elvis and Clara go behind a beach umbrella to make out. The other actors whistle and cheer as they exit. Two outraged trench coat wearing perverts stand up in the audience.
PERVERT 1
What the Hell is this? They’re just going to go behind an umbrella?
PERVERT 2
I paid good money to see a sex show.
PERVERT 1
I want my money back.
PERVERT 2
Anyone want this crossword puzzle? I brought this newspaper to cover my lap with. What a joke!
PERVERT 1
This whole Nutcracker left mine cold. I got enough stored up to shampoo a buffalo. I’ve had my underwear in my fist for an hour. Now I might as well put them back on. What a tease!
BAND 1
This is lame. We quit.
Band exits as the two fake audience members start the audience chanting “I want my money back!” Blackout. Spot on the director.
Scene 24: Hollywood Movie Set
DIRECTOR (to the audience)
Wait! Hold it! Give me another chance! The producers made me do it. I'll cut it. I'll fix it in the editing room. You'll see. Take your seats. Miss Funicello, could you come here?
Clara comes out from behind the umbrella with her bathing suit askew.
CLARA
Oh thank you. You're just in time. You know that line in the script that says Elvis takes Clara behind the umbrella? Ordinarily I would ignore such lude libidinous advances, but something about that deputy badge and pistol... I just can't resist them. He does something to my insides that I really despise liking. Whatever you do, don't leave me alone with him again!
DIRECTOR
And action.
SOUND CUE:
SLURPWALK MUSIC
Pre-recorded moody version of Slurpwalk plays as the Director exits. Fritz comes out dressed as Elvis in a classic jump suit.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Miss Funicello, Elvis is one hunk a hunk a cheese.
CLARA (Annette)
What?
FRITZ (Elvis)
Like you’re a mouseketeer.
CLARA (Annette)
Keep connecting the dots because I’m not getting the picture.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Mice eat cheese.
CLARA (Annette)
These aren’t my real ears.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Elvis loves Annette.
CLARA (Annette)
Annette loves kung fu. (taking a defensive kung fu stance.)
FRITZ (Elvis)
Luckily, Elvis is a black belt in every conceivable martial art.
They Kung Fu fight as the continue speaking.
CLARA (Annette)
I know.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Elvis has his very own weight loss program combining all the hip shaking and grinding that got Elvis kicked off television with boxing. I call it El-bo.
CLARA (Annette)
I know. When Annette sees some groovy moves. Annette gets a tingle.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Elvis wants to tingle.
CLARA (Annette)
Annette gets a tingle and wants to mingle.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Elvis wants to mingle the tingle.
CLARA (Annette)
El-bo! El-bo like you’ve never El-boed before. I need to see your El-bo. Oh God. Wait!!! Come here.
FRITZ (Elvis) But Elvis has this really cool back-flip double kick he does next that…
CLARA (Annette)
Annette needs Elvis.
The Kung Fu fight turns into sex play.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Elvis needs Elvis to need Annette.
CLARA (Annette)
Take me. Take me almost all the way there. Take me to... third base.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Elvis has a concern.
CLARA (Annette)
What now?
FRITZ (Elvis)
Elvis fears that his pedal modation could be hindered if his baby makers turn some hue of blue.
CLARA (Annette)
Walt gave Annette a similar speech when he asked her to Mickey with his mouse, but he seemed to recover.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Need I remind you Mr. Disney is dead. Blue balls can kill.
CLARA (Annette)
I killed Walt Disney?
FRITZ (Elvis)
Don’t be sad. Don’t cry, little girl. You may have caused the premature departure of one of the worlds most beloved talents. But you can save Elvis.
CLARA (Annette)
Please tell me how. I want to save Elvis. Does blue balls have a cure?
FRITZ (Elvis)
Oh boy does it.
CLARA (Annette)
Do I need to dress like a NURSE for this?
FRITZ (Elvis)
It wouldn’t hurt but it’s not necessary.
CLARA (Annette)
Let’s do it.
FRITZ (Elvis)
This cure may have an unfortunate side effect on your virginity.
CLARA (Annette)
I’m ready!!
They fake screw in full view of the audience.
PERVERT 1
Now that's more like it!
PERVERT 2
That's what we came here to see. Yeah!
Song ends.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Thank you. Thank you very much. This really has meant the world to Elvis. I have to go catch a helicopter to France. You just keep on Rockin’ and a Rollin’, baby. This is no longer a lonely world for Elvis. I’ll have my agent get your number, Annie. It was so so special for Elvis. Elvis is cured!
Scene 25: Blackout
After Elvis excuses himself and leaves music starts Adrenaline Tea, Spotlight shines on Clara. Two nurses put a hospital gown and pregnant belly on Clara. as she sings.
CLARA
Who's there I think I can hear you...
FRITZ
Wake up Clara Jo… wake up.
CLARA
Who's there I think I can hear you...
BABY (Piped in)
Wake up Mommy... I want to come out and play...
CLARA
Please anyone can you hear me?
BABY
I'm thirsty Mommy… when's happy hour?
CLARA
Please anyone can you hear me?
DIRECTOR
This is your super ego… wake up and feel guilt.
CLARA
Who's there I think I can hear you...
DOCTOR
She's stabilizing… NURSE 50 CC's of adrenaline… Stat.
CLARA
Who's there I think I can hear you...
NURSE
Checking vital signs... She appears to be coming out of it...
CLARA
Please anyone can you hear me?
BABY
What is this fetal alcohol rehab? Gimme a drink…
CLARA
Please anyone can you hear me?
ALL
Wake up Clara Jo... wake up… wake up etc.
CLARA
Who's there I think I can hear you...
Who's there I think I can hear you...
Scene 26: Hospital
Slide reads "Orange County Municipal Hospital."
Lights up. Clara walks onto a hospital set. Surfdude is now a Doctor, Hot Babe and Leathergirl are Nurses. Clara lies on gurney. and is still in a coma. Sue is also there. Fritz pleads with the band.
FRITZ
Yes. I want you to pretend it’s Christmas. You’re her favorite band. If she wakes up to hear the music, I want her to think it’s still Christmas. That way she’ll be less traumatized.
BAND 1
Sorry, Fritz. We don’t know any Christmas songs.
BAND 2
I thinks I know some lyrics, but the music’s all rubbish.
BAND 3
Screw you, Fritz. Why don’t you just drive the truck wiff all the equipment in it to bleedin’ California when we’re in New Mexico, like last month.
BAND 2
Like finally we are in California which is convenient seeing as the guitars are now well acquainted wiff the terrain and all.
BAND 1
Yeah Fritz, I think you're brain is on the bleedin' Fritz.
BAND 4 (to the Doctor)
Do they bury you in what you’re wearing when you expire or do they find you duds that don’t smell so much like you?
FRITZ
Fuck you. I’m finding the preacher. If she doesn't come out of this coma Doc says she’ll lose the baby and her life. Would it have killed you to play a little?
Fritz walks off stage. He comes back on pulling a preacher.
FRITZ
I found him. I found the preacher. Okay preach, Do your thing. The Doc here says she might not make it through the birth.
PRIEST
I can’t perform last rights if she can’t confess her sins.
FRITZ
I don't want you to perform last rights, I want you to marry us.
CLARA (waking)
There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.
NURSE 1
Doctor, I think she’s waking up!!
CLARA
There’s no place like home.
SUE
Wake up, Honey. Clara, Clara dear, it’s Susan, Darling.
CLARA
Oh Susan, it’s you. It’s really you.
SUE
Yes, darling.
Enter Cookie.
COOKIE
Hello there, Anybody home? I just dropped by cause I heard the little girl got caught in the big... Well she seems all right now.
DOCTOR
Ya, she got quite a bump on the head. We kind of thought there for a minute she was going to leave us.
CLARA
That’s just the trouble I did leave you, Doctor, and I tried to get back for days and days.
SUE
There there now. Lie quiet now. You just had a bad dream.
FRITZ
Sure. Remember me? Your old pal the HUNK?
BAND 1
You couldn’t forget my face could ya?
CLARA
But it wasn’t a dream it was a place. And you and you and you and you were there. But you couldn’t have been there could you?
SUE
We dream lots of silly things when we...
CLARA
No Auntie Em, listen. It was a real truly live place and I remember that some of it wasn’t very nice. But most of it was beautiful. But just the same all I kept saying to everybody was I want to go home. And they sent me home. Doesn’t anybody believe me?
BAND 2
Of course we believes ya. (rolls his eyes, twirls his finger in circles next to his head)
CLARA
Oh but anyway Toto we’re home. Home. And this is my room and you’re all here and I’m not going to leave here ever, ever again.
BAND 4
No doubt about that. They’ll have you in the psyche ward for the rest of your bleedin’ life they will. You’re a nutter.
FRITZ
Shut your bleedin’ yap.
CLARA
Because I love you all. Oh Auntie Em, there’s no place like home.
BAND 3
Hallo.
BAND 1
How are ya?
CLARA (finally recognizes the band)
Jerungdu? I love you guys!
FRITZ
Hey preacher, marry us. I don’t want no bastards.
CLARA
Yes! Ooooow!!
NURSE 2
That's a contraction.
FRITZ
Preacher, you better hurry.
PRIEST
I have an extra short ceremony for emergencies on a note card. If I could just remember where I put it.
FRITZ
Preach.
CLARA
Oooow!!
FRITZ
Preach!!!
PRIEST
I know it was on my kitchen table before I left the house.
FRITZ
Make something up.
DOCTOR
We could be losing her again.
PRIEST
With the power invested in me by God and the state of California I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
BAND 3
That was a little to short for my tastes. Usually weddings make me horny.
BAND 1
Let’s go.
CLARA
Hold on... stay. I waited so long to meet you guys. You’re kinda the reason Fritz and I got together. Please play, man. Yeooow!
NURSE 2
That’s another contraction.
CLARA
Yeooow!
BAND 1
We’ll play if you stop yelling at us.
BAND 4
Hey Doc, I been puttin’ some deep thought into chokin’ on me own puke until I am dead. It’s all the rage this year and me agent thinks it could increase record sales enormously.
DOCTOR
Look! I need to concentrate. So could you please...
BAND 4
If I chokes on me own puke to help this band could you help me come back as some sort of zombie to play like Halloween gigs for Grand Funk Railroad or Vanilla Fudge like? They’re Rockin’ they are. Believe you me, Governor, there ain’t no future wiff this band. We’re awful. Could you refer me to some sort of zombie specialist? I’d really dig the whole zombie gig.
(streaches hands in front of him and walks back to the drum kit like a zombie)
Ooooooooh. Ooooooooh... Or hey, I could play wiff the Zombies! Yeah, on their reunion tour... Ooooooooh. Ooooooooh...
CLARA
Yeooow!
BAND 1
You're bothering the Doc with all your chat. Let's leave em' a little peace of mind. Let’s play.
BAND 2
Yeah, Let’s play.
Music starts, Heavy Medley of Christmas Classics. A slide projection appears on the screen reading:
SLIDE CUE:
The rock and roll band Jerungdu would eventually enjoy a brief period of success in the music business as a novelty act with their cult hit “Heavy Medley of Christmas Classics.” They are currently playing the Holiday Inn circuit on the west coast.
BAND 1
(To "Smoke on the Water")
Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh now.
Over the fields we go laughing all the way now.
Bells about to ring making spirits bright.
What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight now.
BAND
Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way.
Jingle Bells...
Nurse strips out of her nurse costume to show leather underwear.
SLIDE CUE:
Leathergirl flunked out of reform school and enrolled in prison. She will appear in a future Jerungdu production called "Behind These Prison Bras;" a woman's prison musical coming soon to a theater near you.
LEATHERGIRL
(To "Barracuda")
Away in a manger no crib for a bed,
Oooh little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head.
Ohhh, stars in the sky look down where he lay,
Oh yeah, little lord Jesus asleep on the hay.
The cattle are lowing
Oooh you know the poor baby he waits,
But no cry, cry, cry, cry, crying he makes,
Oooh baby Jesus
Ohhhh...
SLIDE CUE:
Clara passes out on the hospital bed as a slide projection appears on the screen reading:
Clara sinks back into her coma understanding that the dream world is actually "reality" and what we think of as the "real world" is really the illusion.
During the next section, Eddie dances around the stage holding a human scull. Slide reads:
SLIDE CUE:
Eddie would eventually become the Artistic Director at "Shakespeare to Go;" the world's first Shakespearean drive-in theater.
EDDIE
(To "Aqualung")
Frosty the snow man,
Was a jolly happy soul.
Corncob pipe and button nose,
And two eyes made out of coal.
Frosty the snow man...
SLIDE CUE:
"Dadoo is still a scuz eating egghead."
DADOO
(To "Paranoid")
Silent night holy night,
All is calm and all is bright.
Proud young virgin mother and child,
Holy infant, tender, mild.
Sleep in heaven...
Sleep in heavenly peace...
Oh yeah...
Surfdude (as the Doctor) pulls a black baby out from between Clara's legs and hands it to Fritz. Fritz moves to the front of the stage and stares in shock at the black baby in his hands as he sings. Slide reads:
SLIDE CUE:
Fritz raised Clara's illegitimate son to become another ass-kicking bastard.
FRITZ
(To "Purple Haze")
I was dreamin' of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones that I used to know,
Where the treetops glisten and children listen,
To hear sleigh bells in the snow.
During the next section, Surfdude removes his Doctor's smock to reveal a Stewardess outfit.
SLIDE CUE:
Surfdude gave up his career in show business to become a Flight Attendant.
SURFDUDE
(To "Cat Scratch Fever")
Well I don't know where ya come from but ya better watch out,
Ya know ya better not cry.
And I don't know how ya do it but ya better not pout,
Ya know I'm tellin' a why.
Because Santa Clause is comin'...
Santa Clause is comin'... comin' to town.
Santa Clause is comin'...
Santa Clause is comin'... comin' to town.
During the next section, Sue surfs across the stage in a nun costume. Slide reads:
SLIDE CUE:
Sue enjoyed a brief career as a surf pro but she retired to enter the convent where the sex was better.
BAND 1
(To "Sunshine of your Love")
Hark the Herald,
Hark the Herald angels sing.
Yes and glory to...
Glory to the newborn king.
Peace on Earth now,
Peace on Earth and mercy mild...
BAND
Come let us adore him...
Come let us adore him...
Come let us adore him...
CHRIST OUR LORD!!!
Hot Babe dances across the stage as slide reads:
SLIDE CUE:
Hot Babe gave up her career reciting insipid inane dialog in surf movies. She has since achieved success as a television writer where she writes insipid inane dialog for "Ally McBeal."
FRITZ
(To "Black Dog")
First day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
A partridge in a pear tree.
Second day of Christmas from my true love,
Gotta skinny-legged woman and two turtledoves.
Skinny dances across the stage. Slide reads:
SLIDE CUE:
Skinny has still never gotten laid and currently works at Starbucks.
FRITZ
I don't know but I been told,
Fifth day of Christmas got rings of gold.
Priest approaches the comatose Clara and and starts humping her on the hospital bed.
SLIDE CUE:
Father O'Reily is spreading the word of the Lord as well as many other social diseases.
Director walks on stage. Slide reads:
SLIDE CUE:
The Director did manage to find more work in the movie business. Her next project is the cinematic adaptation of Jerungdu's "Barneezlebub: A Hillbilly Porn Opera" (also coming soon to a "movie" theater near you.)
BAND
Ho ho ho ho,
Ho ho ho ho,
Ho ho ho ho,
Ho ho ho ho...
SLIDE CUE:
Lisa Marie skips on stage. Slide reads:
Lisa Marie grew up to marry a world famous pop musician. The marriage didn't work out but she did manage to gain access the pop musician's bank account.
BAND
We wish you, a merry Christmas,
A merry Christmas,
And a happy New Year...
We wish you, a merry Christmas,
A merry Christmas,
And a happy New Year...
SLIDE CUE:
Elvis is alive and well and living incognito as a truck driving roadie for an obscure rock band.
BAND 1
Ladies and gentlemen, Santa has left the building!
Curtain Call
Script Archive | Jerungdu Home