Past Projects > Jerungdu > Script Archive > Surfcracker > Surfcracker (Part 2)
The Surfcracker! A Surf Adaptation of the Nutcracker (Part 2)
Music adapted from Pete Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker"
Idea by Michael Donahue et al
play by Robert Eichinger, Michael Donahue and Mo Donahue
All rights reserved 2000
Scene 7: Beach
Enter Director, Clara, Dadoo and Sue.
DIRECTOR
Can I have the rear screen projection please?
VIDEO CUE:
GOOD SURFERS
Sunny day beach video projected.
DIRECTOR
Aaaaand action!
CLARA
What do you mean he has girlfriend? Since when?
SUE
Surfdude is in love with the Duchess of Surf.
Elvis enters and climb to the top of the lifeguard stand.
HOT BABE
Isn’t the lifeguard dreamy?
SUE
I guess.
CLARA
Whatever.
HOT BABE
I mean wowsers.
DADOO (breaks character)
Wowsers? Since when do surfers say wowsers?
DIRECTOR
Cut! Since Elvis rewrote the script. From the top with feeling! Scene twenty three take two! Aaaaand action!
CLARA
What do you mean he has a girlfriend?
SUE
Sure. Everyone knows that Surfdude loves the Duchess of Surf.
CLARA
Who’s that?
DADOO
No one knows. She only comes out at night and surfs the biggest most gnarly waves. She rides 'em with more sensuous creativity than can be found on every page of the Kama Sutra. Then she mysteriously disappears.
CLARA
So he’s in love with some mermaid? What’s so special about her? She surfs? So what.
HOT BABE
Isn’t the lifeguard dreamy?
SUE
He sure is.
CLARA
Wowsers.
Scene 8: Hollywood Movie Set
DIRECTOR
Aaaaand cut!
VIDEO CUE:
GOOD SURFERS VIDEO FADES OUT
SOUND CUE:
WAVE SOUND FADES OUT
Perfect! Scene twenty four in five minutes!
Music of Slurpwalk plays.
CLARA (Annette)
(to Director)
I have some ideas.
DIRECTOR
Do you know how much money it would take for me to stop what I’m doing and listen to your ideas right now?
CLARA (Annette)
I have some idea. Yes.
DIRECTOR
This is one of those conversations with a big star where if I don’t do this now you’ll call your agent who will call the studio who inform Mr. Warner who will call the producer who will ask that I have this conversation at an even more inconvenient time, isn’t it?
CLARA (Annette)
You got the general idea.
DIRECTOR
So now it’s a contest. Do I think you’re a big enough star to cause all that trouble or not? How much trouble do you think you can really cause?
CLARA (Annette)
You have no idea.
DIRECTOR (Sighs)
Shoot. I’m all ears.
CLARA (Annette)
I want to know where this film is going. I feel that my character is nothing like a real woman. I want to tell a real story. I want to effect people. When I was a Mouseketeer I felt we were doing just that kind of work. It’s the level of quality I’ve become accustomed to. Also I would like to see some scenes for the girls in the audience. Maybe Surfdude could sing a ballad to the beauty of my character.
DIRECTOR
Wonderful.
SOUND CUE:
WAVES
DIRECTOR
Positions for scene twenty four! Aaaaand action!
Scene 9: Beach
Dadoo is on the cliff with a megaphone. Clara, Hot Babe, and Sue are on the beach.
HOT BABE
What a clam bake last night! (waves her hand if front of her crotch.)
Clara walks by Dadoo as he stares.
DADOO
We got a warm front moving in at I'd say, (takes out a tape measure) 36 knots, resulting in some pretty big curves. This is a crest worth riding. Cold showers can be expected.
CLARA
What's with him?
SOUND OF WAVES FADES OUT
HOT BABE
Do you know why that dorkmeister gets to hang out with Surfdude any time he wants? His father’s a pilot and so he gets the weather reports from the airport. He knows what the conditions were for all the best waves these guys have ever ridden. He knows all there is to know about the ocean.
CLARA
That’s pretty cool.
HOT BABE
If you want to get closer to Surfdude you should get to know Dadoo.
SUE
I don’t know. I think Surfdude is already in love.
CLARA
With a day dream. I’m better than any old day dream.
Enter the Lifeguard.
HOT BABE (out of character)
Who is that? Ever since the script revisions I can’t resist him. Yum.
CLARA (Annette)
He’s a hunk a hunk of burning love all right.
DIRECTOR
Cut! Stick with the script girls. From any old day dream Aaaaand action!
CLARA
I’m better than any old day dream.
HOT BABE (looks at Lifeguard)
Who’s that?
CLARA
He’s dreamy.
SUE
I can’t resist him.
The Sue and Hot Babe run over and treat Lifeguard like screaming Beatles fans.
CLARA
Why do they call you Dadoo?
DADOO
My name is Dougie Doogle.
CLARA
You know everything about the ocean, right? Say a girl wanted to know how the surf worked what would you say?
DADOO
You want to know about waves?
CLARA
Sure.
DADOO (waves good-bye)
Bye bye.
CLARA
Seriously.
DADOO
Everyone on this beach wants something from me. I give the surf reports. I make the boards. I know science. I know you’re only trying to get Surfdude’s ear. What can you do for me?
Fritz is doing martial arts and Elvis moves to entertain Sue and Hot Babe on the other side of the stage.
CLARA
What do you want?
DADOO
What can you give me?
CLARA
What do you want?
DADOO
Belly button lint.
CLARA
You want my belly button lint?
DADOO
I don’t even want to tell you how much.
CLARA (picking at her navel)
Eeww... I’m only doing this out of the deepest love for someone else.
DADOO
Stop! I want to lick it out.
CLARA
You are so gross!
DADOO
All right hand it to me.
She plucks the lint from her belly button, hands it over, and he eats it.
CLARA
You are so weird, it is too scary.
DADOO
I know so much information there isn’t room for most social conventions in my brain.
CLARA
So tell me something he needs to know.
DADOO
The first thing you need to do in order to learn about waves is to forget the water. It will only confuse you.
CLARA
I'm a lot smarter than I look.
SOUND CUE:
WAVES
DADOO
Alright... the loop up matches the loop down. Why do the waves rise up, curl over, and crash? Look at the water. It looks like the water is moving. It’s not. If you take a beach towel and shake one end up and down a wave will travel its length. The towel doesn't actually travel anywhere. The water is brought up and then put back down almost where it was. Like life, baby. It picks you up, shakes you about and then puts you back where it found you.
SOUND CUE:
SINGLE HOT ROD
Leathergirl from the rat finks enters and grabs Surfdude’s surfboard.
LEATHERGIRL
I want to surf.
SUE
Get out of here.
FRITZ
We don’t need your kind around here.
LEATHERGIRL
It's a free country. I want to surf.
Leathergirl strips off her leather jacket and blue jeans to reveal a leather bathing suit.
FRITZ
So she wants to surf.
DADOO
Girl wants to surf. She wants to surf.
FRITZ
It’s admirable really.
CLARA
I think we are seeing the effects of a leather bikini on the male psyche.
SUE
Yeah, men are so weak. When a body like that oozes out of an enticing fleshy leather bikini it brings out their inferiority and base primal instincts.
VIDEO CUE:
UNDERWATER
He watches the action from the sidelines. No one notices him. Leathergirl paddles out into the surf. The musical theme Dance of the Baseball Bats starts. When she is barely up, Surfdude waves his hand and the waves attack. Leathergirl is thrown from her board. Leathergirl paddles out again and gets almost to her feet and the same thing happens as before Leathergirl swims to shore.
VIDEO CUE:
UNDERWATER FADES OUT (as song ends)
LEATHERGIRL
You guys are jerks.
SURFDUDE
You need to learn how to play nice. It’s just water.
DADOO
I will gladly spend hours and hours in personal education with you.
SUE CLARA & HOT BABE
Hey!
SUE
The only reason why she wants to learn how to surf is so the Rat Finks can win the contest.
Dadoo holds a transistor radio to his ear. Enter Surfdude.
DADOO
Uh oh. Underwater landslide. Huge. Earthquakes on nearby islands. Tsunami coming this way.
Dadoo climbs the cliffs and grabs his megaphone.
LEATHERGIRL
Why do you all look like you’ve seen a ghost.
CLARA
Tsunami... that’s like a tidal wave right?
DADOO
At eight tomorrow morning a tsunami will arrive at this beach traveling between four and six hundred miles per hour. This whole area needs to be evacuated. Grab everything folks because when the water leaps out of the ocean, it'll crush anything in its path, then suck everything out to sea.
SURFDUDE
I am going to surf Armageddon.
SUE
All right.
HOT BABE
Groovy.
DADOO
Far out.
CLARA
You’re going to surf that thing?
FRITZ
As deputized lifeguard on this beach, I strongly advise against that.
LEATHERGIRL
Send up a bunch bubbles, Surfdude. I’ll go to tell Eddie.
SOUND CUE:
HOT ROD EXIT
Leathergirl exits.
CLARA
No Surfdude, why do you have to do it? It's too dangerous.
DADOO
He knows she’ll be there.
SURFDUDE
The only woman I've ever loved... The only woman closer to the waves than myself... I can only imagine the profound depths of her soul. I must meet the Duchess of Surf.
DADOO
And he also must get a closer look at that killer bod on her too.
CLARA
He’s going to get torn apart, spit out and drowned to see a mermaid? I’m a real truly live woman. I am real. (Looks down at her bosom) ...well most of me. I'm not attracted to you just because I can't have you. So what if I reject the advances from every other guy on this beach and obsessively focus on you... the only guy who's not remotely interested.
Clara exits.
Scene 10: Hollywood Movie Set
DIRECTOR
Cut! See you all early tomorrow for re-shoots on scene fifty-two!
The actors exit. We are on the set. Elvis walks up behind Annette. The waves rest and smoke. Slurpwalktheme underscores.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Don’t turn around.
CLARA (Annette)
Elvis?
FRITZ (Elvis)
Miss Funicello, I must ask in all seriousness that you not look upon Elvis at this time.
CLARA (Annette)
Are you all right, Elvis?
FRITZ (Elvis)
Elvis’s hips are vibrating with sinful lust right now. Don’t look! I'm a God fearin' man and I'm a fearin' my loins could start a rockin’ and a rollin’ at any moment.
CLARA (Annette)
Are you a Christian?
FRITZ (Elvis)
Are you a virgin?
CLARA (Annette)
You answer first.
FRITZ (Elvis)
My momma carefully taught me about sinful lust and carnal desire in the eighth grade. That is why Elvis will always love his Momma. Now you. Are you a virgin?
CLARA (Annette)
If it means what I think it does, I am.
The director enters.
DIRECTOR (hands Elvis sheet music)
Elvis, This is the song I want you to play in the pillow fight scene. Why don't you show those guys how a real musician should play.
FRITZ (Elvis)
(to Clara)
Excuse me, little lady.
Elvis crosses upstage and plays Slurpwalk with musicians.
CLARA (Annette)
From the waste up he’s a choir boy. From the belt down I don’t think Mr. Disney would approve. There really is something about bad boys. I’m drawn to every wrong thing about him. I even like that he’s not too smart. Something just comes over me. I think I actually get dumber as I talk to him. It's like being brainwashed. Listen, the Lifeguard is a side character in what is supposed to be a woman’s story. I am that woman. This world should revolve around me. It’s my coma. What can you do to help me?
DIRECTOR
What can I say. It’s a man’s world. My mind goes one way but my paycheck comes from the other. If Elvis wants another actress they’ll replace you with Ann Margaret. That’s reality.
CLARA (Annette)
Even in my own fantasies? This whole world is my creation! I should get to have it my way! Do you hear me? My way!
Scene 11: Blackout
SOUND CUE:
BLACK OUT SCENE #3
(Pre-recorded dialogue.) We hear ambulance sounds and see flashing lights.
VOICE OF AMBULANCE DRIVER
Do we need to pull over? Can you handle it alone? I can get to University Hospital in seven minutes. Will that be soon enough?
VOICE OF PARAMEDIC
I’m losing her. Go go go!
The driver speaks into the CB radio.
VOICE OF AMBULANCE DRIVER
ETA seven minutes applying CPR. BP and heart rate unknown. Be ready for us at the door. Young female subject. Repeat ETA seven minutes applying CPR.
SOUND CUE:
BLACK OUT SCENE ENDS
VIDEO CUE:
TSUNAMI
Scene 12: Tsunami
Tsunami video projects.
Surfdude is sitting on a surf board waiting. Music starts, Sugarplumb Pipeline Lights up. Huge waves fill the screen as wave dancers rock Surfdude's board violently. Surfdude screams. Enter Duchess go-go dancing on her board as two more waves push her across the stage. Surfdude screams as waves spin him around by his ankles. Song ends as the video shows calm water and Surfdude rolls to the front of the stage. Wave dancer pushes his board to the front of the stage.
SOUND CUE:
WAVES
VIDEO CUE:
TSUNAMI VIDEO FADES OUT
DADOO
You survived the Tsunami. It’s the longest ride ever. You’re a hero.
SURFDUDE
Where is she?
Enter Sue and Clara. Sue is half-dressed in a Catholic school girl outfit and is wet and exhausted.
CLARA (To Surfdude)
Was you’re little mermaid out there? (To Fritz) Fritz darling, you’re a hero. You saved that little wet noodle from downing.
FRITZ
Really? I guess you’re right. There’s a party later tonight. Would you like to accompany a hero?
CLARA
Sure.
Clara steps over Surfdude and into the arms of the Lifeguard.
SURFDUDE
What happened to you? You look terrible.
SUE
Well… I uh… Forget it. How are you?
SURFDUDE
Exhausted. You’ll never understand how great it was out there. Did you see her? Did you see the Duchess?
FRITZ
Has anyone seen my comb? Somewhere during the rescue I seem to have lost my comb.
CLARA
I don't know what I ever saw in that beta-male Surfdude when I can have an alpha-male like you Fritz.
VIDEO CUE:
SUNSET 2
SOUND CUE:
WAVE SOUND FADES OUT (After the song starts.)
Music starts, Waltz of the Surfers and the characters sing.
CLARA
If he said "I love you,"
While we were in the pipe,
I know we would never part,
We would never say good-bye,
I'd feel the surf pounding in my heart.
FRITZ
Baby I'm all shook up,
Feel so lonely I could die,
I'm a hunka burnin' love,
Don't be cruel to this hound dog,
Please don't make this a blue Christmas
CLARA
My head would start to whirl,
When we shoot the curl,
If I was his girl,
I'd hang ten forever.
FRITZ
Don't say "return to sender,"
Please just love me tender,
If I'm not on a bender,
I'll hang ten forever.
SURFDUDE
Here in the church of waves,
We believe Jesus saves,
We are here to serve the Lord,
He didn't need to use a board,
And wiped out to save us from the sins of the world.
SUE (Duchess)
The Nuns all believe I'm saved,
Still I must misbehave.
When I'm on my board at night,
Nothing else could feel so right,
Waiting for the seventh wave.
SURFDUDE
If the reaper comes tonight,
I won't put up a fight,
I'd shoot the tube of light,
And I'd hang ten forever.
SUE (Duchess)
My woody and my board,
Cruisin' down the shore,
That's what my life is for,
I'll hang ten forever.
SURFDUDE
Life flows on like water,
SUE (Duchess)
I must be Neptune's daughter,
FRITZ
Can't rest until I got her,
CLARA
I'll hang ten forever.
ALL
Salt is in the air,
Wind is in our hair,
Life without a care,
We'll hang ten forever!
SOUND CUE:
WAVES
Clara grabs Sue aside as the rest of the actors dance off stage presumably to the next party.
SUE
What? We’ll miss the party.
CLARA
We can catch up. I have an emergency.
SUE
What kind of emergency could you have? The whole town’s been destroyed by a Tsunami.
CLARA
You know how you told me about older boys?
SUE
Yes, I remember.
The waves listen in to their conversation.
CLARA
Well I think I can figure out the sex part. In health class we learned the female giraffe stands around until she smells funny then the male leaps on her and humps her ass.
SUE
Actually that’s not as far off as it sounds.
CLARA
Well I never even kissed a guy.
The waves start laughing and dancing.
SUE
You’ll need some practice. You can kiss me if you like.
The waves start pointing off stage trying to warn Sue and Clara of something. Eddie walks on stage unnoticed by Sue and Clara and listens in on the conversation. The waves play charades continuing their warning to no avail.
CLARA
Girls don’t kiss girls.
SUE
What are you going to practice on? Dolphins?
CLARA
No tongue.
SUE
Is Fritz the lifeguard going to use tongue?
CLARA
If anyone finds out I’ll just die. Swear that this is a secret just between us.
Eddie and the waves lean in.
SUE
Come on, we're best friends... what are best friends for? Open you’re mouth a little.
They kiss. Clara is left bewildered.
SUE (Hot and bothered)
Clara? I need to go home or Father O'Leary will kill me. I'll wait until the nuns go to sleep then sneak out. I’ll meet you at the party.
Clara is swimming in the moment. Sue exits. The waves try frantically to get Clara’s attention but it is too late. They give up and walk off stage.
VIDEO CUE:
SUNSET VIDEO FADES OUT
SOUND CUE:
WAVE SOUND FADES OUT
EDDIE
Thanks for helping to erect my little trouser pup tent. I ain't gonna lose this bet to a Catholic school girl chick.
CLARA
Please. Please don’t tell.
EDDIE
You're askin' a Rat not to Rat? What’s there to tell? You have a taste for pie. I’ve had a slice or two myself.
CLARA
I’m in love.
EDDIE
I noticed.
CLARA
No. I’m in love with Fritz, the lifeguard.
EDDIE
I know she got your engine revving, because I smelled the smoke. Funny thing is you rubbing on her might cause friction between you and Swivel Hips. You want to smooth things over?
CLARA
What are you talking about?
EDDIE
Eddie never goes against a fellow rat. You want to lock my talk box? Go rodent and you can throw away the key. Otherwise...
CLARA
You want me to become a Rat Fink?
EDDIE
That's good for starters. Follow me.
Clara and Eddie exit.
Scene 13: Catholic Reform School
Sue enters in her Catholic school girl uniform. An offstage voice rings out.
SOUND CUE: PRIEST VOICE OVER:
PRIEST (Irish accent)
There will be no girl's La Crosse tonight. La Crosse is canceled until the skirts can be lowered by sister Freda. That is all. God bless.
SOUND CUE:
PRIEST VOICE OVER ENDS
Leathergirl enters in her uniform but with no leather jacket. She sees Sue.
SUE
Hey Rat, you don't look so tough without your leather.
LEATHERGIRL
Who says I'm not wearin' leather? The dress code doesn't specify what I wear under the uniform.
SUE
Is that a fact... well let's just have a look-see... (Grabs her)
LEATHERGIRL
Get your hands off me Lesbo!!
There is scratching and hair pulling. The Priest enters and the girls stop in their tracks.
PRIEST
Aye Lassies, into me office the both of ya. You've been warned about this before. This behavior is not very lady-like. I will not tolerate this blarney.
A chair is placed on stage. The priest leads leather and Sue across the stage to the chair.
LEATHERGIRL
Ah, you can't do nothin'. We girls rule this school.
PRIEST
Lassie number one, wait outside. You'll get yours later.
Sue exits.
PRIEST
Come over here and lean over me lap.
Leathergirl leans over him and he spanks her. She moans with ecstasy.
PRIEST
This will be me final lesson on this matter. (Spanks her again) If this doesn't do the trick I'll have to use me belt on ya. (Spanks her again)
LEATHERGIRL
What if I like it?
PRIEST
Then you'll burn in Hell for all eternity and Satan will be finishin' what I started.
LEATHERGIRL
Okay.
Leathergirl exits. Sue enters.
PRIEST
Aye, another cat fight. You been actin' up as an excuse for seein' old Father O'Leary again.
SUE
Yes Father, I have some sins to confess. (Sue leans over very close)
PRIEST
Aye, you're a naughty girl with many a tale to tell. I'll always have an open ear for stories of your unnatural encounters with your classmates.
SUE
Yes but before I give you the explicit details of my confession, I have a request.
PRIEST
You wouldn't be needin' another curfew pass now would ya?
SUE
Actually, I was wondering if I could have a key of my own so I could come in and out as I please.
PRIEST
Well I suppose if you could assure Father O'Leary the pleasure to come in and out as he pleases a key could be arranged.
SUE
Deal.
They start making out. Blackout.
SOUND CUE:
ARABIAN DANCE
VIDEO CUE:
ARABIAN
Scene 14: Beach, Night
Surfdude is on a cliff. Making the waves dance as he directs them like an orchestral conductor. Sue enters. She strips down to a tiny bikini. The Band plays Link Arabian: Dude and Duchess Rule the Sea as Duchess, Surfdude and the wave perform a sensual dance routine.
SOUND CUE:
ARABIAN DANCE ENDS
Surfdude now knows that Sue is the Duchess of Surf. The Duchess walks into the ocean and makes love to the waves. Surfdude is powerless to control them. He knows that the Duchess rules the sea. When the song ends Surfdude descends the cliffs and surprises The Duchess.
SUE (Duchess)
So now you know about my secret identity.
SURFDUDE
Why the big secret?
SUE (Duchess)
When I was thirteen I robbed a root beer stand and used my surf board as a get away car. I washed ashore on a nude beach and they made the cops take their clothes off to arrest me. If they catch me surfing again I won't get time off for good behavior.
SURFDUDE
Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.
Surfdude leans in to kiss her.
DIRECTOR
Cut! Bring in the stunt kissers we shoot in twelve minutes!
SURFDUDE (Gay actor)
Thank God.
SUE (Lesbian Actress)
That was a close one.
Scene 15: Hollywood Movie Set
VIDEO CUE:
ARABIAN VIDEO ENDS
Enter Eddie.
EDDIE (British accent)
My trailer is too small. What are you going to do about it?
DIRECTOR
Boys! Get the couch. Sedrick, be a dear and work my shoulders I have a knot.
Everyone but Elvis forms a line in front of the director. Dadoo and Priest carry in the sofa and the director lounges on it. Eddie rubs her shoulders.
HOT BABE
I don't have enough lines, what lines I do have are inane, and my character has no through line.
DIRECTOR
Rub my feet.
(Hot Babe gives her a foot message.)
SUE (Lesian Actress):
I want to get the girl in the end.
DIRECTOR
Kiss me.
The Director kisses Sue. Clara is incredulous.
LEATHERGIRL
Hey… I’m supposed to be slutty… where’s all the the sex?
DIRECTOR
Hey… In the script it says you’re supposed to have a black eye. Where’s the black eye!?!
LEATHERGIRL (Whiney)
Oh I don’t want to have a black eye.
DIRECTOR
Okay… so… do you want to play it pretty or do you want to play it funny?
LEATHERGIRL
I want to play it PRETTY. I’ll play it funny when I’m YOUR age.
Skinny approached the Director.
SKINNY
What about me? When do I get laid?
DIRECTOR:
Go get me some coffee.
Skinny exits. Band plays Slurpwalk
CLARA (Annette)
Wait a second! If this is my coma, why aren't I the director?
Director takes a break from making out.
DIRECTOR
Read your Freud, dear. You are the I am, the thinking voice, the consciousness, the ego. I am the superego. I watch over the battle between you and the id.
CLARA (Annette)
Who's my id?
DIRECTOR
I can't just tell you. The mind is more mysterious than that.
CLARA (Annette)
Leathergirl, the tough one who loves fighting and craves sex and blood?
DIRECTOR
No.
CLARA (Annette)
Sue, who is her own hero, who confidently does whatever her naughty heart desires?
DIRECTOR
No.
CLARA (Annette)
Not Elvis. Please tell me it's not Elvis. My id is not a man. Did you say id or id-iot? Freud is a misogynist pervert and so is Elvis. Do you know what this fantasy would be like if Elvis completely took over?
DIRECTOR
(hands scripts to the cast)
Here are Elvis’s latest script improvements.
The director exits. The actor begin reading.
SURFDUDE (Gay Actor)
I’m gay.
SUE (Actress)
No shit. Who told you that? Your boyfriend?
SURFDUDE (Gay Actor)
In the script! I’m gay in the script!
SUE (Actress)
What page is that?
SURFDUDE (Gay Actor)
Sixty seven.
SUE (Actress)
Look on sixty eight. How do we get a billy goat on a surfboard? Elvis is one weird son of a bitch.
SURFDUDE (Gay Actor)
I’m finished. My parents will see this. My boyfriend will see this.
SUE (Actress)
Why would your boyfriend care?
SURFDUDE (Gay Actor)
He doesn’t know I’m an actor. I told him I’m a Flight Attendant.
SUE (Actress)
There is no way this will get past the censors.
Surfdude and sue exit as Elvis and Lisa Marie enter.
FRITZ (Elvis)
Lisa Honey, Daddy’s read ahead in the script and some of the scenes coming up aren’t very nice. Elvis is putting you on a plane that will take you to your Mother. Elvis is pretending to be a good parent as an excuse to get you out of his way. But he still loves you very, very much. Now pretend to be a good child and scram. But keep a rockin' and a rollin' and feelin' Elvis’s hot and heavy love as you scram.
LISA MARIE
Lisa Marie kinda loves Elvis and everything but Lisa was on a secret mission from Pricilla to steal your bank book and well... Lisa’s got it.
Lisa runs off stage with Elvis close behind her. Blackout.
SOUND CUE:
BLACKOUT SCENE #4
Scene 16: Blackout
VOICE OF FRITZ (pre-recorded)
Wake up. Can you hear me? You're still in the hospital. I've been talking to ya in this coma for a month. You need to wake up and have this baby. Can you hear me?
SOUND CUE:
BLACKOUT SCENE #4 ENDS
Scene 17: Hollywood Movie Set
Enter Clara and the Director.
DIRECTOR
Look I know you’re not crazy about the next scene. Mr. Warner wants it. Elvis wants it. You’re contracted until the last scene is shot. Maybe you’re right about the violence. Maybe your right about the direction of the film. Look, it ain’t my coma. Think about it this way; According to Jung, all the characters in your dreams are only aspects of yourself anyway. Look at it as an opportunity to work out your own inner conflicts.
Eddie and Leathergirl enter. They don’t notice Clara.
DIRECTOR
Aaaaaand action!!
Scene 18: Night Time Alley
Slide projection of Night Alley scene appears.
LEATHERGIRL
You can keep your Grandmother’s ring, the fuzzy dice, and the visor mounted vanity mirror. I want blood.
EDDIE
Listen up, Lady Mac Beth, I need some time to catch my breath.
LEATHERGIRL
C'mon Eddie, don't go soft on me.
EDDIE
I loves ya. But I’m tired, baby. Let’s at least try it the normal way.
LEATHERGIRL
I’ll never just lay back and count the ceiling tiles. It only works one way, baby. Someone’s got to catch a beating.
CLARA
Cut!! Cut!! Ego to super ego. Cut!! I don’t like what comes next. Cut!!
Leathergirl notices Clara.
LEATHERGIRL
What do we have here?
Eddie puts a Rat Fink jacket on Clara.
EDDIE
We got a new member. Make her feel welcome. I gotta bet ridin' on this little lady's cherry pie. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe Clara here will be satisfied with just a little fightin' on the weekends.
LEATHERGIRL
You made promises. This is NOT how we end.
CLARA
I got to get out of here. How can I get fired?
LEATHERGIRL
You can’t get fired from the Rat Finks. Hey Eddie, remember I can blow the whistle on you for statutory. 17 will get you 20. Get your Rat Finks in gear or you'll be hurtin' plenty!
Enter a nun with a walker. Music starts, Dance of the Baseball Bats.
EDDIE
(Spoken to music) Listen Rat Finks, this chick is gettin' on my nerves again and I need to relieve some tension. You know how to get Leathergirl horny and silent... that's right... with good old-fashioned violence. Let's rumble...
RAT FINKS
When you're a Rat,
You're always a Rat,
From your first baseball bat
To your very last drag...
RAT FINKS
It feels so astounding
When you do some pounding
But Eddie is the only one
Who gets a piece of Ass...
BAND (Beatles four part harmony)
Ass, ass, ass, ASS...
EDDIE
I'll do anything to get her hot,
Even though she's stupid she is all I got.
Man that girl is kinky,
So while I’m gettin’ stinky,
You Rat Finks are gonna have to beat on some ass!
Enter a Catholic Nun.
Gotta find a mark and inflict some pain,
Or else this Leathergirl is gonna drive me insane.
To get into her pants I
Don't need to make romance
You Rats will have to BEAT SOME ASS!!
Rat Finks start beating on the Nun. Leathergirl watches as Eddie fucks her
LEATHERGIRL
Come on Rat Finks... I got four on the floor and my tail pipe's burnin'.
EDDIE
Turn my ignition and slip it into gear. Let's burn some rubber!
LEATHERGIRL
Ahh… your shift nob is rattling my roll cage. You're a real four stroke big block.
EDDIE
Lemme check yer blowers baby… I might want ya to port and polish my head later.
LEATHERGIRL
Oh Eddie… you can wax my bumpers any time… OOOh…
EDDIE
My ball berings could use some greasin'
LEATHERGIRL
Oh Eddie… I'm ready for your dipstick… I need a ring job… wanna check my intake manifold?
EDDIE
You got what it takes to lube my chassis… Ahh Ahh
LEATHERGIRL
My distributer is sparking… get ready for some internal combustion.
EDDIE
My starter is smoking… here comes my crankshaft… Ahhh…
LEATHERGIRL
Oh baby… gap my plugs… clean my points… Ohh ohh OHHHH!!
EDDIE
I'm about to blow a gasket!! Ahhhhh!!!
Orgasm.
LEATHERGIRL (Sings)
Eddie you are just so big and strong,
Everything you do seems to turn me on.
Even when we're fighting,
It's always so exciting,
Watching all the Rats while they are beating on some ass.
SKINNY
This squeaky wheel ain't gettin' no grease,
When's it my turn to get a piece?
EDDIE
(Punches Skinny in the nose)
Shut up you stupid moron,
She's only MINE to score on,
You're only here to BEAT SOME ASS!!!
Enter the Duchess of Surf in her bathing suit.
SUE (Duchess)
I hear you guys got a good thing going on and I want to join.
CLARA
Sue?
SUE (Duchess)
There’s a big surf contest this weekend and no one surfs as good as me.
EDDIE
You’re the Duchess, eh? Well, we could use a ringer. You’ll have to surf against the Dude. You cool with that?
SUE (Duchess)
Yeah. One thing though... I win the contest for you, Clara goes home with me.
Band plays "Jaws" music as Sue and Leather see each other and start circling.
EDDIE
If you two fight, make sure one of ya stays pretty.
CLARA
Stop it. Stop it right now. Eddie, can’t you do something?
LEATHERGIRL
I’m gonna get you. Just roll over and take your licks. You’re getting what Father O'Leary gave me.
SUE (Duchess)
Like Hell.
Leather and Sue fight. Eddie holds Clara back. The Rat Finks grab hold of Sue and leather spanks her.
SUE (Duchess)
You’ll pay. You’ll pay for this, bitch. Wow! It’s not as bad as I thought. Give me a couple extra. Really give it to me. Oh God yes.
Leathergirl stops. Sue is exhausted but exhilarated.
EDDIE
Now that’s what I call high class entertainment. Duchess, you got a deal. Leather, hop in.
SOUND CUE:
HOT RODS EXIT
The hotrodders rev their engines, circle two times, and exit. This leaves the Duchess and Clara alone on one side of the stage together. Leathergirl and Eddie are on the other. Eddie pulls over and drops Leathergirl off.
EDDIE
I’m almost through with you.
LEATHERGIRL
I been thinkin’. You love cars. You really love cars.
EDDIE
Right. I love 'em.
LEATHERGIRL
You always refer to that machine of yours as a "she". What’s so girly about a Hotrod? They’re loud. They belch. They’re broad in the shoulders. They go quick and stop fast. If it’s a girl why not paint the bumpers pink? Why don’t it take a half hour just to warm up? Because it’s a man. You’re in love with a man. Next time you step into your hot rod just say ‘Hello sir, how’s your stick shift.’
SUE (Duchess)
(To Clara)
I won’t ask how you fell in with such a rough crowd. You didn't let any of those disgusting men slobber on you did you?
Black out.