Past Projects > Jerungdu > Script Archive > Surfcracker
The Surfcracker! A Surf Adaptation of the Nutcracker
Music adapted from Pete Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker"
Idea by Michael Donahue et al
play by Robert Eichinger, Michael Donahue and Mo Donahue
All rights reserved 2000
SCENE 1: Roller Bowl
Clara is dressed like a waitress. Her shoes are off and her feet are up. She's knocking back a beer and toking a dube. Clara is very pregnant. She hears someone and jumps up and waves at her smoke. She sprays lysol and stomps out her joint. Enter Sue on roller skates. Sue and Clara fight to rescue the joint. During this conversation Sue re-rolls and lights the joint.
CLARA
I can't bring a child into a world like this. We're celebrating the bicentennial soon. In two hundred years of being a nation, men still haven't learned that a woman's eyes are located a foot and a half above her boobs.
SUE
Give'em a break, Clara Jo. They talk to your boobs a voice answers, men think boobs talk. No one said they were smart. Men are supposed to be cute and carry billfolds.
CLARA
What if I have a daughter? Is she going to grow up talking about men like this? I had a table of construction workers today. I curtsied and flirted. I giggled when they pinched my butt. Men don't know the difference between a bowling alley and a strip joint.
SUE
Are you sure this smoke is good for you?
CLARA
A little happy smoke or suicidal depression, which one will hurt my little bastard more?
SUE
Roller skating into a post isn't gonna help your baby either.
CLARA
Yeah that Cookie's a real jerk off making me work on roller skates.
SUE
Hey, guess who's playing at the grand opening tonight... Jerungdu!!
CLARA
I didn't know they were coming to town. Are the trucks here? I mean have you been over there? Is it all set up?
SUE
Ya, He's with'em. He got all the lights up. His truck is there with the eagle on the side and the bulldog on the hood. He's been asking about you. I don't think he knows.
CLARA
I really don't know how I'll handle seeing Fritz. Do you think he'll hate me, like this I mean?
SUE
You're the strongest person I know. You just spent eight months forgetting him. Don't let him turn you upside down. Grab your skates and let's get to work.
Clara Jo and Sue exit. At the other end of the stage the Director and Cookie enter. Director (female) has swatches and fabric samples.
COOKIE
That's how I got the idea for my special mayonnaise sauce. I was thinking about Farrah Faucet a little too much in the walk in fridge when a frozen bit of ... er ... mayonnaise plopped into the paprika. I made a little money for myself and then sunk everything into this place. If it goes down the crapper well ... you can flush me too.
DIRECTOR
A roller disco bowling alley... Cookie, this idea is too outlandish not to work. I mean somebody passed off the pet rock for God's sake.
Band enters and sets up. The characters that will later emerge as the "Ratfinks" are their security in this scene and they push Cookie and the Director towards center stage. Enter Clara and Sue on roller skates. Enter Fritz the roadie. He plugs in guitar cords and adjusts an amp. He has plumbers crack. Clara spots him.
CLARA (to Sue)
Not quite what I built him up to be in my imagination. I'm going over to say hello... say hello and yank his pants up.
COOKIE (to Director)
Think about it. Christmas, bowling, disco, roller skating, wieners, and donuts. It's like the American pie all rapped up into one.
DIRECTOR
We need a disco ball, shag carpets for the bathrooms, mirrored ceilings in the changing room, and lot of lime green tweed wall paper. This place will be as hip as anywhere in New York.
Clara tries to roll towards the band and Fritz but she is pushed away by the Ratfinks.
CLARA
Excuse me would you like a drink?
RANDOM RATFINK
I'd like a tall cool glass of you.
CLARA (makes a fists)
Would you like this in your rocks?
RANDOM RATFINK
Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly.
The Ratfink tries to touch Clara's shoulder.
CLARA
I can knock two balls in your rear pocket with one shot.
Fritz notices Clara. He hikes his pants up and walks towards her. Clara sees this and tries to move towards him but the Ratfinks won't let her. Sue enters with Cookie. Sue sees what happening. She adjusts her garter belts or hikes her dress up to show leg. The Ratfinks take notice and go to flirt with Sue.
SUE
Well boys it's true. All men have a little compass that any girl's magnetism can pull North. If men were smarter they'd be ugly women. Who wants to play fetch!
The Ratfinks act like dogs rolling around, getting scratched on the belly, fetching things, and so on. Cookie gets disgusted. He walks over and starts yelling at the band.
CLARA
Clara, my name is Clara.
FRITZ
I remember you. We met at the laundry mat and we ended up at that party.
CLARA
We ended up in the back room at that party.
FRITZ
That's right. I keep a reminder of that night in my van.
CLARA (Starts to drink off her tray)
I have a reminder of that night too. (Pat's her belly)
FRITZ (Doesn't notice)
You gave me a tiki doll. You said your Uncle got it for you in Hawaii.
CLARA
Yeah… eight months ago… (Holds belly again)
FRITZ (Nervous)
Oh shit… Uhh… I've got to go find strings for the bass. Maybe we can hook up later or something. Bye.
CLARA (Speaking over Fritz's last line)
Wait! There's something you got to know.
FRITZ
Maybe you shouldn't be drinking. You got a little bundle to look out for.
BAND GUY 1 (British accent)
Hey Fritz! You're holding up the whole show like. I only know these numbers from heart for about an hour after I wakes up. I already forgot to remember one song. Don't make me forget which one it was or else I won't be able to play any of 'em!
RANDOM RATFINK (To Fritz)
They needs you. Get going.
The Ratfinks separate Clara and Fritz. Clara gets held back and Fritz gets escorted towards the band. Clara takes pill after pill with Champaign chasers. Cast enters.
COOKIE
Welcome… I see you have your skates. Girls, get these folks some drinks. The unemployment line is downhill from here. Don't make me push ya out the door.
Cookie hands a disco patron (who will later emerge as "Surfdude") a bowling ball.
COOKIE
Here's yer bowlin' ball… lanes are that way.
Surfdude takes the ball and falls on his ass.
SURFDUDE
Ahhh! I'll SUE! SO HELP ME I'LL SUE!!!
COOKIE
UH… dance… EVERYBODY DANCE!!! This is a Party… Merry Fucking Christmas!! HEY YOU GUYS… WHAT THE HELL AM I PAYING YOU FOR… PLAY SOMETHING!!!
The band plays Discocracker as disco lights flash and the cast performs a choreographed disco dance routine. Clara continues to drink and pop pills throughout the song. Clara eventually passes out.
Scene 2: Blackout
SOUND CUE:
BLACK OUT SCENE #1
(All blackout scenes are pre-recorded.) Sound of a Siren. We hear echoed voices in the dark as if to suggest Clara hears them while passed out.
VOICE OF FRITZ
Baby, can you hear me? We’re losing you. You have to stay with us. Baby? Baby?
VOICE OF SUE
Clara Jo. Don't die on me!
VOICE OF FRITZ
Clara Jo? Yeah, uh Clara Jo, sure. Can you stay with us? Can you hear me?
Scene 3: Beach
VIDEO CUE:
WAVES #1
We now enter the coma dream world of Clara. The scene shifts to a beach where we hear the sound of waves. Ocean waves project on back wall. Two dancers dressed as waves enter. They dance like the motion of waves. Fritz enters with a big Elvis wig as a lifeguard, and climbs into his lifeguard tower. Enter Clara as Annette Funicello. The waves dance around Clara as she swims through them. She sits on the beach. Enter Sue. All dialog in these scenes should be delivered just like the bad, cheesy dialog of the 60's surf movies.
CLARA
Isn't the life guard a doll?
SUE
Yeah, but he’s older. You’d probably have to go all the way on your first date.
CLARA
What do you mean?
SUE
You know, copulate, screw, fornicate, score, fuck, rut, hide the salami.
CLARA
Oh that.
SUE
Don't tell me you’re still a…
CLARA
Don’t say it out loud!
The waves creep up so that they can hear.
CLARA
Yes, I'm seventeen years old and still a (whispers) virgin. Don’t act like it’s a terminal disease. I’m sure there’s a cure. I’m hoping to find the cure this summer on this beach with that lifeguard.
The waves mime bursting into hysterical laughter.
SOUND & VIDEO FADE OUT
I'm going to create a magnificent romantic love, full of depth and beauty, where my voluminous female sensuality can express itself with complete freedom and unabashed liberation. What do you think of that?
Sue is aroused.
SUE (flirting)
I just thought you were cute. I thought that's a girl I want to know. We could be best friends. I've seen you at school.
CLARA
That's funny because I've never seen you.
SUE
You know that building by the woods with the really high fence? That's us. You go to the regular school. I go to St. Rizzo of the back seat conception Catholic Reform School for naughty girls. It used to be St. Rizzo of Third Base but someone in the year ahead of me did a research paper. We can see you guys from our cells.
CLARA
How did you get out?
SUE
I got my ways to get out every now and again.
CLARA
All right. We can be best friends, just as long as you don't tell anyone that I'm a...you know.
SUE
I'm sworn to secrecy. What are best friends for?
Sue slaps Clara on the back taping a note that says “virgin” to Clara’s back.
SOUND CUE:
HOTRODS
Hot Babe enters.
HOT BABE
Hey everyone! Mid summer’s midnight madness beach blanket bonzo mondo grinding groovin' dance marathon and shrimp fry!! That’s right. Party right now. Everyone dance!
Everyone enters and dances every known silly sixties dance to the musical theme Rushin' Break. The Rat Finks crash the party. At the end of the song it turns into a fight.
CLARA
Please! Stop the fighting! Stop!
EDDIE
Hey Rat finks, break it up. Look what we got here?
Eddie grabs the sign off Clara’s back. The rat finks circle her and tease.
CLARA
Sue! How could you?
SUE (Innocently)
Ahh come on… it was only a joke.
EDDIE
I got a hunger for some cherry pie.
SKINNY (was Cookie)
Hey boss, lemme have this one.
EDDIE
Shut up. Check the odometer punk. You ain't got tools to service nothin right off the showroom floor. You better get yourself to a used car lot.
SKINNY
Whadaya mean Eddie? I done lots that you don't know about. I can drive that chick to places you ain't never been.
EDDIE
Quit blowin' smoke. I'll bet a couple of Jacksons to any Rat Fink who thinks they can beat me in a race to make this sign untrue.
SUE (Grabbing the sign from his hand)
Dammit Eddie, you told me you hated virgins.
EDDIE
That's before yer uncle told me ya weren't one.
FRITZ (as Lifeguard)
The Rat Finks, the meanest hot rod gang around... picking on a little girl. (Puts his arm around Clara)
CLARA
Little girl?
FRITZ
Don't you worry little miss, I won't let any harm come to ya.
EDDIE
Listen swivel hips, ever since I became King of the Rat Finks you been chasin' us off dis beach. Maybe I wanna taste dis peach. Don't muscle in on my turf where a wager is concerned.
FRITZ
You'll only find yourself in more trouble, Eddie, if you don't quit gambling. I heard you lost the big drag race last Saturday.
EDDIE
So what?
FRITZ
And a pretty sizable bet the way I heard it. It'd be a shame if your parole officer had to hear about it.
SKINNY
He's still got the fastest car. He only lost on account a he forgot to fill the tank.
(Lifeguard and other beach bums snicker)
EDDIE
Shut up, or I'll pound you into last Wednesday.
SKINNY
Whad I do?
EDDIE
I'll rip your leg off, hand it to ya, and make you kick your own ass.
LEATHERGIRL
Do it, Eddie. I want you to really do it. Kick his scrawny ass! What you waitin' for? Hit someone. You got me all excited.
CLARA
What's her problem?
SKINNY
There's only one way Eddie's girl can get her jollies off. Eddie has to ring someone's bell.
Eddie punches Skinny in the gut. Leathergirl makes orgasm sounds.
FRITZ
Rat Finks, It's time for you to go.
LEATHERGIRL
I’m shaking.
FRITZ
She’s a bad influence on you, Eddie.
LEATHERGIRL
Are you a rat or a mouse, Eddie?
FRITZ
You're still on parole. Don't make me make a phone call.
EDDIE
Phone anyone you want you still bleed.
SURFDUDE
How about a wager?
EDDIE
Like what?
SURFDUDE
The Beach Combers versus the Rat Finks in the big Christmas surf contest. No one calls your parole officer about the gambling and racing. No one gets hurt. Winner gets the beach and that little stretch of road up there.
EDDIE
Deal. (Spits and shakes Surfdude's hand.)
LEATHERGIRL
None of us knows how to surf.
EDDIE
Don't worry about it. I got plans. So long, suckers.
SOUND CUE:
HOT RODS EXIT
The rat finks circle, rev their engines, then leave.
FRITZ
Thanks for helping Surfdude. Too bad you won't follow through. (to Clara) He won't surf in contests. Now we could lose the beach to those scoundrels.
CLARA
Why won't you help win the contest?
SURFDUDE
My personal relationship with the water walker.
CLARA
I don't understand.
DADOO
He rides his board to get closer to Jesus.
SURFDUDE
Jesus was the very first water walker. When his disciples were in danger of drowning, stranded out on a boat, in the middle of a storm, he walked on the water and led them to safety. As long as the disciples kept their eyes fixed on the Savior, they too could walk the wave. One dude looked away from Jesus and took a gnarly wipeout. But I'm sure the rest were stoked by the bitchin' ride. We gotta follow the way of the Lord. Satan created competition turning one man against another. I can't participate in a competitive sport.
HOT BABE
Then why'd you make the bet? Isn't that participating in competition?
SURFDUDE
It was the only way I could like, alleviate the immediate threat of violence. I try to follow in his footsteps, man, but I'm not perfect. But when we live in the present the future takes care of itself.
CLARA
Now what? You made the bet but we lose the beach? Doesn't anyone else around here know how to surf?
DADOO
No one surfs like the dude. A really great surfer can predict what a wave will do and adjust to it. Surfdude has this almost miraculous ability to cause the waves to adapt to him.
SURFDUDE
It comes from a spiritual underwater re-birthing.
CLARA
We would have been better off having the fight. (aside) At least I could've gotten laid. My summer is ruined. It's like I only have three days left of summer because of you. Do you think I'm pretty?
SURFDUDE
There is like, this ebb and flow. They ebbed because we flowed. Next time like we’ll ebb while they flow.
CLARA
What's he talking about?
DADOO
Nature is made of opposing forces as in the Shinto symbol of Yin-Yang.
SURFDUDE
Exactly.
CLARA
You just chased him off the beach because you find me irresistibly attractive, don't you?
SURFDUDE
No.
CLARA
Three days til the surf contest. Well then I'd better hurry. Is that Lifeguard looking at me?
SURFDUDE & SUE
Nope.
CLARA (Strikes a provocative pose)
How about now?
SURFDUDE & SUE
Nope.
SURFDUDE
He’s like, just looking at himself in the mirror.
SOUND CUE:
WAVES
CLARA
If I was drowning he’d have to save me, right?
SUE
Clara, don't do it. It's too dangerous. You don't want to feel the rhythmic pounding of the water enveloping your wet little body with sensual pleasure.
CLARA
You don’t understand. I am a girl but I want to be a woman. I want to be a woman right now! Those waves don't look so scary to me.
VIDEO CUE:
WAVES #2
Song of Myself starts.
SOUND OF WAVES FADES OUT
Clara goes into the water and pretends to drown. The Lifeguard does not notice Clara drowning since he is admiring himself in the mirror. The waves attack Clara and she actually starts to drown. The lifeguard sings.
FRITZ (Elvis singing style)
You can't learn to love anyone else,
Until you can learn to love yourself.
There's no better place to start,
No closer person to the heart,
So if I must the ones I trust
Are me, myself and I.
You can't learn to love anyone else,
Until you can learn to love yourself.
Every single lock of hair,
And every thread of clothes I wear,
Oh yes I do declare myself the fairest of them all.
For I can't help but fall in love with ME...
I'm gonna stick like glue cuz I'm stuck on ME...
You can't learn to love anyone else,
Until you can learn to love yourself.
There's no better one to choose,
Than the one with blue suede shoes,
So if I must the ones I trust
Are me, myself and I.
You can't learn to love anyone else,
Until you can learn to love yourself.
In my hour of despair,
I'll be my lovin' Teddy Bear,
Oh yes I do declare myself the fairest of them all.
For I can't help but fall in love with ME...
I'm gonna stick like glue cuz I'm stuck on ME...
The lifeguard combs his hair and greases his chest while Clara struggles. Surfdude waves his hand and the waves stop beating up on Clara. Surfdude paddles out and saves Clara. Surfdude gives Clara mouth to mouth. By the time the Lifeguard notices, Clara is standing on the beach next to Surfdude. The music stops.
SOUND CUE:
WAVES
SURFDUDE
You almost died out there. I am like, overcome with guilt and pity knowing I am the cause for your desperate suicidal attempt to get a boyfriend. And yet, I can relate to your pathological single minded determination. Everyone needs a cause. Jesus said "Turn the other cheek." Perhaps if I turn a little cheek this way and a little cheek that way I can kick some Rat Fink ass in the big surf contest.
DADOO
He's gonna surf!
HOT BABE
Radical!
SURFDUDE
I'll get your summer back for ya.
CLARA
Oh Surfdude! You're my hero! I might not even need the rest of the summer to find a boyfriend.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
God damn it.
VIDEO FADES OUT
SOUND FADES OUT
FRITZ (as Elvis)
I won’t stand for this shit. Elvis doesn’t play the guy who looses the girl. Get out of my way. Don’t make me use Kung Fu. You will not see the end of this but Elvis will. Elvis has left the sound stage.
Scene 4: Hollywood Movie Studio
DIRECTOR
Cut!
Exit Fritz. Lights come up and a Hollywood director comes on stage with a megaphone. All the actors drop their characters light up cigarettes, and wander off. Surfdude puts on sunglasses as in the previous scene and hangs out on stage. Clara puts on Mickey mouse ears and is Annette Funicello. Fritz becomes the off-stage Elvis personna. This will happen whenever the director calls cut.
DIRECTOR
Miss Funicello, can I see you over here a minute? Listen, could you see if you could use your feminine charms to get Elvis back on the set?
CLARA (as Annette)
I’ll certainly try.
Annette runs off. Black out. Enter Elvis in spotlight wearing a robe. He puts coins into a pay phone. Surfdude is off to the side and is obviously attracted to Elvis. He poses, winks, and blows kisses.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
Hello? This is Elvis. I would like to speak to Larry. Oh, thank you very kindly. It means all the more coming from a lady with such a beautiful voice. What? Well what I meant to say was I would like to speak to the kike bastard who got me into this Hellhole of Christmas surfing movie. Hello? Larry? I quit. You heard me. Elvis quits.
CLARA (as Annette)
Excuse me, Elvis.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
I am eternally sorry, young lady, but Elvis doesn’t have time to deal with second rate actresses right now.
Annette cries and runs offstage. Elvis speaks into the phone.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
Larry, you jewed me on this one. You really jewed me, Larry. What? It is not. Not the way Elvis uses it. It’s a regular Christian non-prejudice word. Need I remind you that I am a deputized member of the Las Vegas junior police. For the last time, Larry, The junior police ain’t just for kids. I have a real gun and a fake badge and nine out of ten times that’s enough for Elvis. Once again we come to the subject of getting the girl. Elvis gets the girl. Elvis always gets the girl. Repeat that. Repeat it again. You know whose getting the girl on this picture? A fag. How do I know? The fag is faggotting right now at Elvis as we speak. Faggotting. Faggotting is a word, Larry, look it up in the dictionary. Okay I’ll wait. You look it up. What? Well Elvis will call Webster and then you look at that book on Monday. Here’s the upswing, Larry, Elvis quits.
DIRECTOR (off stage)
That’s a wrap for the day, everybody! We’ll see how Elvis feels in the morning! That’s a nine AM call!
Enter Lisa Marie Presley.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
Honey! Daddy did not forget that Pricilla was dropping you off this weekend or that she took half his money with her when she tore Elvis's heart from his bosom.
LISA MARIE (sing songy)
Elvis has bosoms. Elvis has Bosoms.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
Honey, you are the love of my life but if you don't shut up Elvis's lawyers will take your hoola hoop. Director!
DIRECTOR
Yes, Elvis.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
Elvis has to perfect his already perfect hair-do. It may take hours if not days. The success of the film obviously depends on it. Please see that little Lisa Marie has the time of her life and stays out of Elvis's hair products. Lisa, Honey, Daddy doesn't have time to love you right now. If you're real lucky his agent or his driver may get you an ice cream cone later. Bye.
Enter Eddie.
EDDIE (as bit actor)
(British accent)
Director may I please have the briefest of words with you. My lines for scene eighty two seem a bit over the top. Would you mind if I had another go at them?...To improve them a little, I mean.
DIRECTOR
Sure thing, Shakespeare. Nice accent on Eddie the Rat. Really it's great. Watch this kid for Elvis bye.
Director leaves quickly.
EDDIE (as bit actor)
What a marvelous opportunity for you to witness one of Britain's finest actors at work on his craft. Let's see how quiet you can be while I run some lines. I shall kick your rump for you are nothing but a scoundrel.
LISA MARIE
Try kick you in your blistered fart hole.
EDDIE (as bit actor)
You are a vivid young woman aren't you? Well, I shall kick you in your blistered fart hole, you scoundrel. It works! I really like that line.
LISA MARIE
Kick you in your blistered fart hole, you flea-ridden bastard.
EDDIE (as bit actor)
That is also quite good but I fear that you're a bit off. Do we have a therapist, little girl? Do we need some thorazine?
LISA MARIE
I'm going to tie your tongue around your eyeball so you can be the first blind man in your neighborhood with windshield wipers.
EDDIE (as bit actor)
Let me write that down.
Blackout.
Scene 5: Black Out
SOUND CUE:
BLACKOUT SCENE #2
(Dialogue pre-recorded.)
VOICE OF FRITZ
Clara Jo, can you hear me? I think she can hear me. We're getting you to a doctor. Try to wake up.
VOICE OF COOKIE
Let me try.
Two rings of the order bell from the Roller Bowl.
VOICE OF COOKIE
Clara Jo, wake up and take these fries to table two or you’re fired.
VOICE OF FRITZ
Please Clara Jo, I need you to come out of this coma. When my father would get drunk and kick my ass just the way his father got drunk and kicked his ass just the way his father got drunk and kicked his ass I made myself a promise. No more drunken ass kicking bastards on the family tree. Wake up and marry me. My little one can not be a bastard. Ah, shit, she ain't even blinkin' her eyes.
VOICE OF SUE
Clara Jo, everything will be all right. Just hang on.
SOUND CUE:
SCENE ENDS
Scene 6: Hollywood Movie Set
Spotlight on Clara (Annette). She sings a song of love and longing.
Slurp Walk
CLARA (as Annette)
Why do I try to deny how I long for this guy,
And the prize that lies massively within his fly.
What's wrong with me?
Why dignify all the pie in the sky dead end lies
That disguise how we women are forced to comply.
Why must I sigh for a guy who's IQ is 70,
And whose vulgar, self indulgent, narcissistic,
And only loves himself!
What's wrong with me?
Enter Director
DIRECTOR
Gather round!
All the actors except Elvis enter and get ready for the next scene.
DIRECTOR
Elvis has agreed to be in the picture with a few minor changes. Please commit them to memory as soon as possible. Ten minutes, everyone! Ten minutes is ten minutes!
Elvis enters from the other side of the stage to talk on the pay phone.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
Did Elvis get everything he wanted? Great. Really? She’s that pissed? I’ll tell you who’s pissed. Elvis. That’s who’s pissed. There is a sign hanging outside my trailer that reads ‘No one under the age of seventeen allowed on set unaccompanied. Now how in blazes am I supposed to get laid around here? Elvis needs some girly love, Larry. She’s going to sue me because I made her cry? Annette Funicello is going to sue Elvis Presley? Does she know I’m Junior police? Didn’t matter. Hell yes I’ll apologize. Elvis loves his money. Elvis earned it through his love of the world. Repeat that. Repeat it again. Thank you, Larry. Boy that Annette likes to pretend she’s a dainty little virgin doesn’t she? She is? Really? Now that is interesting. Elvis thinks that is very interesting. How do you know? Bye, Larry. Elvis is on the move.
Elvis walks over to Annette. The other cast members still memorizing the script shun Elvis.
CLARA (as Annette)
I should be very mad at you, Elvis.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
Miss Funnicello, I can’t imagine what I might have done to offend you. I do believe this is the first time we’ve ever met.
CLARA (as Annette)
My mother caught me jumping on her bed, swinging my hips, singin’ hound dog at the top of my lungs using her hairbrush as a microphone with an Elvis doll pressed firmly between my budding breasts. I was grounded for week because of you.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
It’s a figurine.
CLARA (as Annette)
What?
FRITZ (as Elvis)
It’s not a doll. There is no Elvis doll. It’s a figurine.
CLARA (as Annette)
Well I’m figuring you for a real doll. (giggles)
FRITZ (as Elvis)
Are you making fun of me?
CLARA (as Annette)
Not if you don’t think I am.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
When you were bouncing around on your mother’s bed with my tiny plastic body held to your… well… Elvis doesn’t know how to put this delicately. Held between your titten.
CLARA (as Annette)
My what?
FRITZ (as Elvis)
Your titten.
CLARA (as Annette)
That’s not a word.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
No offense little lady but it is the plural of titty. You can look it up.
CLARA (as Annette)
Okay.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
How old were you?
CLARA (as Annette)
Thirteen.
FRITZ (as Elvis)
What were you wearing?
A photographer enters.
Photographer:
Can I get a picture of you two for the magazines? Thanks. Say cheese.
FRITZ (Elvis) & CLARA (Annette)
Cheese!
CLARA (as Annette)
Ankle socks.
Photographer:
One more.
FRITZ (Elvis) & CLARA (Annette)
Cheese!
CLARA (as Annette)
A Band-Aid on my left knee.
Photographer:
Last one.
FRITZ (Elvis) & CLARA (Annette)
Cheese!
CLARA (as Annette)
And that's about all. Why do you ask and what is so hard for you to get out of your front pocket?
DIRECTOR
Positions for scene twenty three in five minutes!
Annette walks over to the director.
CLARA (as Annette)
Can someone put a muzzle on that hound dog?
The photographer exits. Elvis and Annette exit as Lisa Marie enters with Surfdude and Hot Babe.
SURFDUDE (as gay bit actor)
Honestly? I haven’t said an honest word since I moved to LA. How did you get the job?
HOT BABE (as bit actress)
I got called back twice but Wendy “the shelf” Kemler got the part. You know her. She bounces into auditions…
SURFDUDE (as gay bit actor)
Slams her hips into park…
HOT BABE (as bit actress)
Does her best ‘I’m so innocent I don’t know your looking at my boobs’, And lets the torpedoes do the talking. They're the stuffing of legend. She was also sleeping with the Assistant director which didn’t hurt. Anyway, she’s knocked up. She’s known for months. She came to the set but refused to do any bathing suit scenes. I got the call two days later. Now you.
SURFDUDE (as gay bit actor)
Harvey knows what my parents don’t if you get my drift. He doesn’t mind me dating out of the industry as long as I agree to a few of what he calls business dates. It’s always some industry big wig… usually men but a few times…
HOT BABE (as bit actress)
You dating girls. Now that is funny.
SURFDUDE (as gay bit actor)
Hey, I am what I am and I don't care who knows it.
LISA MARIE
You're gay. I'm going to tell my Dad.
SURFDUDE (as gay bit actor)
I'll do anything. What do you want? A lollipop? An ice cream? A dollar?
LISA MARIE
I want twenty percent of everything you make. I want to be your agent. You're first booking is my birthday party. Bring your own fake nose and floppy shoes… and gimme your sun glasses.
SOUND CUE:
WAVES
Surfdude hands his glasses to Lisa. Lisa exits.
SURFDUDE
BITCH!