Past Projects > Jerungdu > Script Archive > Mahoney's Mirror > Mahoney's Mirror (Part 2)
Mahoney's Mirror: A Sci-Fi Musical Comedy Adventure (Part 2)
by Michael Donahue, Newt Skink
& Bedlam Theatre Co.
Copyright 1997-2000
Act 1 Scene 5: The Protest Scene
WALLY
They never get any credit but selfless masochists are responsible for all the greatest tragedies in history. Less than one day has passed since Patrick got "Lucky" and he still has that post-laid delirium feeling. He's taken a shower but everything still smells like Kelly Green. Realizing there is no better place to start acting on his Bad Luck theories, and impress Kelly than at an anti-Nixon rally, Patrick is taking liberties with his beat while the local TV news makes the gruesome home movies that shapes our lives.
ANNOUNCER
This is WNYC Evening News with anchorman Hugh Jamonic, Phil Gutter with the Weather and Dick Bravado with the Sports.
HUGH
Good evening. We have breaking news in the Bronx tonight where an enormous anti-war demonstration is currently taking place and tensions are said to be high. WNYC has exclusive coverage from Yankee Stadium. Joy Pierce reports:
JOY
This is Joy Pierce. I am standing in front of Yankee Stadium at the site of the latest in a recent string of war protests organized by the "Trippies". Abby Rubin has set up a gypsy wagon where he is addressing the crowd. I see only one police officer trying to keep order here and the potential for violence would seem quite high considering the incidents that have occurred at other recent protests.
The same Buddhist monk from scene 2 sits down next to Patrick's ladder apparatus as Hippie protesters dance around him. The monk chants, oms, and pours kerosene on himself. Patrick walks under the ladder.
JOY
One of the protesters has poured gasoline on himself in an apparent threat to… immolate himself. I can't tell how serious he is about this threat… as the protesters are now starting to dance around semi-indigenously.
Patrick continues walking under the ladder while smoking 3 cigarettes. Wally counts Patrick's laps as Abby sings.
Manifesto 13
ABBY:
All laws are written by politicians,
WALLY
One.
ABBY:
Therefore all crimes are political.
WALLY
Two.
ABBY:
And all prisoners are political prisoners,
WALLY
Three.
ABBY:
And all crimes are a form of speech against the political system,
WALLY
Four.
ABBY:
And to be jailed is a violation of your First Amendment right to free speech.
WALLY
Five.
ABBY:
Today we will levitate all of the jails,
WALLY
Six.
ABBY:
So all the prisoners fall out the bottom,
WALLY
Seven.
ABBY:
To be back on the path of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,
WALLY
Eight.
ABBY:
Arms outstretched upholding our great constitution,
WALLY
Nine.
ABBY:
Like the prisons held up with our minds.
WALLY
Ten.
ABBY:
As all beautiful, noble things should be held up upon invisible pillars,
WALLY
Eleven.
ABBY:
Unlike society's marble pillars.
WALLY
Twelve.
ABBY:
When invisible pillars crumble, justice will be served through CHAOS! ! !
WALLY
THIRTEEN! !
Patrick, deeply entrance, tosses his lit cigarettes on the monk, setting him on fire. The scene breaks into a riot.
JOY
Oh my God! The police officer has lost control of himself. He has set a protester on fire! Oh, the humanity! !
WALLY
Let's see that again on instant replay!
Cast moves backwards and replay the scene in slow motion.
Act 1 Scene 6: The Prison
WALLY
(As a Judge)
Mr. Mahoney, your negligence in the line of duty is a disgrace to the Police profession… and the human race. Do not think that because of your former position as law enforcement official you will receive any lenience for your thoughtless and irresponsible conduct. You have been bestowed with special and unique abilities and privileges and it is now perfectly clear that you are unequipped to responsibly handle these aptitudes. For one count of criminal Manslaughter, you are sentenced to 56 months in the Sing Sing Correctional Facility. For one count of public littering, the fine is ten dollars. This court is adjourned.
Wally bangs his gavel. Scene switches to the prison visiting room.
KELLY
Hello Patrick. It seems like a lot has changed since our last encounter.
Places both hands on her obviously pregnant belly. Romantic music starts.
PATRICK
I'm so glad you're here, Kelly. You're all I've been able to think about.
KELLY
They say the pill is ninety nine point eight percent effective, but then eighty-seven point three percent of statistics are made up.
PATRICK
Well, if the unexpected was going to happen, it only stands to reason that it would happen on a night like that.
KELLY
That was quite an evening, wasn't it?
PATRICK
Yes, it was very special.
KELLY
It's too bad we can't do it again.
PATRICK
Oh, I'm sure the process can be duplicated. But there's no need. I have it all on film.
Romantic music goes "klunk".
KELLY
You filmed us in bed together?! And didn't tell me?!!
PATRICK
No, no, just the experiment. I have the whole thing on super 8. I can give it to you if you like.
KELLY
Oh. Thanks. So… I was thinking about names for our child. Maybe Angelique if it's a girl? Or Felix if it's a boy?
PATRICK
Oh yeah. Sounds great. Hey did you bring that ham radio I asked you for?
KELLY
Oh yeah. Here. I think it'll be good for you to take on a new hobby.
PATRICK
Oh thanks Kelly. Actually, it's not a hobby. Bad Luck radiation is on the upswing again and I need this to track it.
KELLY
Oh, Patrick. Not that again.
PATRICK
Kelly, I need your help.
KELLY
Patrick, you're so bizarre.
PATRICK
Science needs you, Kelly.
KELLY
What the hell did science ever do for me?
PATRICK
Kelly, we've barely scratched the surface. Our research is in its infant stages. We have to…
KELLY
Our child is not even in its infant stages! What makes you think I want to expose it, or myself, to your freakish radiation? I have a Life, Patrick Mahoney, and you're supposed to be rehabilitating yourself. I don't need this.
PATRICK
But Kelly. . .
George enters.
GEORGE
Uh, hey Patrick.
PATRICK
George! What a surprise!
GEORGE
(To Kelly)
Are you almost ready to go babe?
KELLY
I'll be right there.
George leaves.
PATRICK
Kelly, I… GEORGE!?
KELLY
Well so what if he's just a janitor? You're a convicted felon! Fuck you! Nobody's ever going to take your stupid umbrella theory seriously! Get on with your life, and forget this Bad Luck crap! It's just a hole for all the misery of the world to pour into your life. Goodbye, Patrick.
Scene 6.5: Bilk Ozby Appears
WALLY
Midnight, Friday the 13th, Sing Sing, the experiments continue. After squandering his pension to bribe the guards, Patrick has set up 13 ladders with 13 open umbrellas coated with a selenium alloy. He has wired it to a black cat's brain and has interfaced this monstrosity into the receiver of a television set, which he is watching through a cracked mirror. The solar flare activity must undoubtedly be strong this evening. Television just doesn't get this good… at least not in our universe.
A Giant TV sits at the side of the stage with a huge Bilk Ozby puppet head in the screen. A 3-D commercial from the Bad Luck Dimension plays.
BILK
What is that you say? No one has ever had cramps near as bad as you? Your head feels like the dance floor for an under age tap class? And you can light your stove with the burning pain of your ten-year-old hemorrhoid? Well, I am here to say, Now don't you fret. You ain't seen nothin' yet! DA DA DA DA! PAIN JELL-OWW! If you think your infantile complaints of puissant aches and pains are enough to fulfill you, then you obviously haven't tried Lye, Pain Jell-oww #4! !
Picture of Jell-OWWW #4 container.
You may have been scratched by the bits of spring in Lye, Pain Jell-OWW #1.
Jell-OWW #1 container
Passed the broken shards of glass in Lie, Pain Jell-OWW #2,
Jell-OWW #2 container
Or even bled from the screws and tacks in Ligh, Pain Jell-OWW #3.
#3 container
But Lye, Pain Jell-OWW #4 contains particles accelerating in their indescribableness faster than written language can accommodate. It is so indescribably painful it will not only turn your whole world upside down... Pain Jell-OWW #4 will turn your whole body inside out... as you are disappearing through your own ASS HOLE! You will experience profuse bleeding and multiple internal and external injuries or your fluffy pillows back guaranteed! You ain't seen Nothin' yet! Giving a whole new meaning to the concept of pain, PAIN JELL-OWW #4... IT HURTS! !
ANNOUNCER
Surgeon General warns that ingestion of Pain Jell-OWW #4 will induce disappearance through your own anal cavity and may cause birth defects... in YOU.
Patrick holds the broken mirror and dabs his finger into some gooey gel that has begun dripping from the cracks.
Pain Jell-OWW #4
PATRICK
My life has led to this moment
I might never feel this again
And it would seem that there is less
For me to live for
With every passing breath.
No one will publish my findings
My work lives and dies with me
God bless the one who resurrects it
The shame can be all theirs
Patrick puts his finger in his mouth. Chokes, gags, writhes. A giant ass appears on the TV screen and Patrick jumps through it suggesting his disappearance through his own asshole. The hot back up singers finish the song.
BABE 1
He started choking as I hit the floor
BABE 2
It hurt so bad he couldn't take no more
BABE 3
But when he disappeared through his own back door
ALL
The last thing he tasted was
PAIN JELL-OWW NUMBER FOUR!
BABE 1
A truly…
BABE 2
Abominable…
BABE 3
Product.
Surf music starts as the video depicts a psychedelic trip through a weird surrealistic tunnel similar to that of the end of 2001.
Act 1 Scene 7: The High School
WALLY
May 23rd, 1989, San Francisco, California. 18 years after one of the most bizarre prison breaks in history and seventeen years since Kelly Green abandoned her new family and disappeared, we now find ourselves attending the last day at Harvey Milk High, an urban adolescent indoctrination camp. Star soprano Angelique Regan, the ill-fated son of Patrick and Kelly, is about to go to band practice. But first, she must bid one last fond farewell to one of her many adoring fans at the schoolyard.
TONY
You fuckin' freak… its too bad yer old man is here to pick you up. Otherwise I'd kick yer faggot ass!
FELIX
Oh Tony, you know how HOT I get when you talk MEAN to me. It's such a turn on.
TONY
Don't make me puke, ya fuckin' homo!
FELIX (In a mocking poofy voice)
What's the matter, Tony? Not MAN enough for a girl who knows what she likes? Don't you know what you like, lover?
TONY
Just… just call me!! (Slithers off.)
FELIX
Yeah, we'll see you at graduation Tony.
Felix enters car with George
GEORGE
So… How was your last day, son?
FELIX (Sarcastic)
Oh, school was just bitchin', Dad… By the way, thanks for driving me to band practice.
GEORGE
Oh, no problem. Do you boys have another gig at one of those drag clubs this weekend?
FELIX
We're not 'boys' anymore, Daddy. We're Women now! And yes, we're headlining at "Fairies Wear Boots" this Friday.
GEORGE
Oh that's great, Felix. But uh, I'm a little concerned about you staying out and missing so much sleep.
FELIX
Father, I'm a minion of Satan now! I have to stay out late. It is my sacred duty to lead his people into the joys of pain, death and degradation.
GEORGE
Well… Maybe if you stopped spending all your money on make-up and lingerie you could get a car and… Now that you're getting out of high school, you really need to start thinking more practically about things.
FELIX
Satan provides, Father.
GEORGE
Oh yeah, he provides drugs and sex and all. I can see that. But you're gonna need a job, too, you know. I did talk to Mr. Fine about hiring you on to strip the floors. Without an interview! But you can hardly show up for work looking like THAT.
FELIX
There are anti-discrimination laws, Father. Mr. Fine is not only required to tolerate my lifestyle, he must also tolerate my devotion to Satan!
GEORGE
Oh come on, Felix. I know you don't believe in any of that Satanism crap.
FELIX
To the contrary, Father. The power and beauty of Satan are everywhere I look! His dominion over this planet is unquestionable! It's your faith in logic that's so ridiculous. Look around you! Your belief in Rationalism is a joke! And quit calling me 'Felix'. I'm having my name legally changed to 'Angelique', so you might as well get used to it.
GEORGE
Angeli... Oh, great, that's just Great... Hey Boys, this is my Son, Angelique. He's a butt-fucking Satanist! Oh yeah.
FELIX (Laughing)
I love you so much, Daddy. I'll see you later.
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah.
Felix approaches the band
MONTANA (Seductively)
Hello Angelique.
MIKE O:
Hey man, wanna beer?
FELIX
Sure, gimme a cold one.
MIKE D.
Ahh excuse me. Um Felix, can I have a word with you before we start? Privately?
FELIX
Sure Michael. What's up?
MIKE D.
I have something I need to tell you, Felix.
FELIX
Cool. So what is it?
MIKE D.
Felix, I'm in love with another woman.
FELIX
Another woman?
MIKE D.
Yes Felix, a woman. A female. You knew this was going to happen. At the audition you told me your name was Angelique. I only fell for you because I thought you were a woman.
(The rest of the band laughs mockingly.)
Joey:
Hey I forgot to tell you I'm a woman too.
FELIX
You mean you thought I was a Girl!! And how long did it take for you to figure it out, anyway?
MIKE D.
Look, I just stayed with you this long because I didn't want to hurt you.
FELIX
Didn't want to hurt me? You fucking prick!
MIKE D.
Listen Felix, lately I've been feeling like shit… Like having to shit every time I see you when you look like shit. I can't take it any more. I'm all out of shit.
FELIX
So now, just like that, you're breaking up with me?
MIKE D.
I like 'women' Felix… I just can't stand seeing you… without your make-up.
FELIX
You told me you loved me!
MIKE D.
No, I said I could see myself falling in love with a woman Like you. A WOMAN Felix.
Felix snaps her fingers. Montana comes to her side.
FELIX
Well Michael, I too have an announcement. I'm in love with another MAN!
Montana and Felix start making out
MIKE D.
What the fuck is going on here?
FELIX
I'll tell you what's going on here. I finally found a man who can satisfy me. Not some crusty old soft dicked HET pedophile who told me he loved me! You're not such a big man. You can't break my heart! You couldn't even make my ASS HURT!
MIKE D.
Jesus fuckin' Christ. I can't be running a band with all this fucked up soap opera shit going on!
MONTANA
Well Michael, that's another thing we need to talk about.
MIKE D.
What? Talk about what?
MONTANA
Angelique and I have decided that this band needs to go another direction.
MIKE D. (Sighs)
And what direction might THAT be?
FELIX
Well Michael, in case you haven't noticed, the power dynamic in this band shifts to favor whomever I am sleeping with. Montana and I have both decided that your lame theater music has gotta go. We wanna do shit that KICKS ASS! !
MONTANA
MMMM... Ass.
FELIX
As a matter of fact. Montana and I have written a new song and we MIGHT still want you as our rhythm guitar player.
MIKE D.
MIGHT want? "Your" RHYTHM guitar player?
MONTANA
That's right. Here's the charts for your audition.
MIKE D.
AUDITION??!?
FELIX
Well of course. We need to know if you're a good fit for our new direction. The song is called "Sexy Satan"… and Michael, try to play it with FEELING. (Snaps his fingers.) Get out here girls!
Three sexy backup singers enter in hot devil outfits holding pitch forks. Mike D. grabs the paper from Montana with disgust.
MIKE D.
I don't fucking believe this shit.
Sexy Satan
FELIX
Father do you really know me?
Father do you really care?
Father do you want to feel the nether world?
Father I am already there.
Father are you now a believer?
Sexy Satan's got me waitin' on my knees.
In the service of the great deceiver,
The afterlife is a deadly disease.
Breathing in the sulfur gasses,
Underwear are dildos up our asses.
People's sweat is pure Calvin Klein,
Do you really want to know Father?
Backup singes start a hot lesbo orgy.
Heaven is a masquerade ball
And Hell's the flame that burns away your disguise
Father will you take the same fall?
You can see the answer in my eyes.
Breathing in the sulfur gasses,
Underwear are dildos up our asses.
People's sweat is pure Calvin Klein,
Do you really want to know Father?
A naked male demon runs on stage and grabs the microphone.
DEMON:
Satan is king, kiss the ring!
Big rock and roll ending; explosions, etc.
Intermission
Act 2: Scene 1: First Vortex Scene
WALLY
From the void, on the other side of the vortex, Bilk Ozby created what we call the Bad Luck Dimension. Since intellectual and spiritual growth often comes about through pain, the Bad Luck Dimension is eons ahead of our universe in terms of technological and cultural advancement. Holographic television, so agonizing you can taste it, being only one such example. Patrick, however, having spent the last eighteen years trapped on the edge of the vortex between the dimensions, is experiencing some interesting developments of his own.
Patrick is suspended in an underground cavern with stalactites surrounding him and a swirling vortex is projected behind him. A similar prop appears on the other side of the stage with Nelly Greek, Kelly's alter ego, suspended within. Nelly sings.
Gherkins in the Pork Barrel
NELLY
Pigs eating out of the pork barrel,
Think I'll go cough up a lung.
I'm so lonely and numb,
Think I'll go cough up a lung.
The price is right
Free love is my style,
With gherkins in my smelly pork barrel,
I'm so lonely and numb,
Think I'll go cough up a lung.
Tapeworms shot me up with syringes of acid,
Tampons soaked in silver nitrate up my nose.
I'm so lonely and numb,
Think I'll go cough up a lung.
Pigs porking me in a barrel,
And feeding me gherkins,
The texture of green pimples,
A natural rhythm.
PATRICK
That was horrible, transcendentally horrible.
NELLY
Fuck you very much. Your obnoxious presence makes me so uncomfortable and even a bit nauseous.
PATRICK
I'm sorry. It's just that you look so much like the woman who destroyed my life years ago. Combined with that awful song, well, it's really hard not to hate you.
NELLY
More, please more. You're so much like my hated Ratprick but yet shittier somehow.
PATRICK
Yes, eighteen years underground can do wonders for a person's mood. And the ridiculous idea that the first person I saw after all that time would look so much like the person I hate most in the world, well that just makes my desire that I could somehow kill myself explode inside me.
NELLY
Oh so long since a man made me suffer so, and you haven't even laid a finger on me. Pinch me! Hard! Really fucking hard! Maybe that Pain Jell-Oww #5 Prototype worked after all!
PATRICK
You took Pain Jell-Oww, too?
NELLY
I invented the shit, you puke! I'm a Recreational Corrosives Engineer and my latest creation was a Pain Jell-Oww #5 prototype containing 10% artificial pain flavors which would explain why I'm not quite dead yet.
PATRICK
Well I am a great victim of your work! I ate a hologram of Pain Jell-Oww # 4 which explains why I too am not dead yet. The pain of those atoms so indescribable in their indescribableness pulling me through my own asshole was so painful, well, the soul shredding agony of meeting you is the only thing I can compare it to!
NELLY
Your flattery is so insipid, you rude nameless shit! Why aren't you ramming me raw with a sandpaper dildo yet you prickless AARGHHH!!!!
PATRICK
We are unfortunately unfortunately fortunate enough to not have any FLESH or else I would have long ago agonizingly ripped it all off with my own jagged bloody hangnailzzZZAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Nelly joins in his screaming
NELLY (Breathless)
Oh my detested rat dildo, you truly suck diarrhea like no one else I've ever seen.
PATRICK
Ohhhh, KellyKellyKellyKillYouYouKellyClone, when I get us out of here I'm going to put you through the slowest most tortuous virtual death you've ever imagined!
NELLY
OOHHHH!!!
Patrick joins in pained ecstatic screaming
Act 2 Scene 2: The Summit
Thunder.
BILK
Hey Trickster, last I heard you were worm food. Is that why we're shootin' the shit down here in the dirt?
NIXON
Sorry Bilk, Nietzsche was wrong. Let me make one thing perfectly clear: You still have Richard Nixon to 'try' and kick around some more.
BILK
Well then why are we here in the middle territories, Nixon? Were you thinkin' of emigratin' to my perfect dimensi-on?
NIXON
You know why we're here, Bilk. We've got to work together on this. That's the only way we're going to hold things together.
BILK
But Dickie, you know my worshipful disdainers would LOVE to see it all come apart.
NIXON (Calmly)
This has got to stop, Bilk. We're gonna have to get along sooner or later.
BILK
Well then, let's see. What shall be the terms of your surrender?
NIXON
Oh no, this is not surrender. I propose a mutual compromise.
BILK
You mean some kinda 'peace with dignity'? Forget it, Richard, where I come from there is no such thing as compromise!
NIXON
Bilk, I propose a cease fire… and an immediate ban on radioactive warfare.
BILK
Ah come on Crookster, why don't ya wanna play no more? We were meant to be each other's nemesises. There can't be two omnipotent beings. The only solution is total annihilation!
NIXON
You're bluffing, Bilk! This is serious shit! I'm sure you know by now that one of your souls has penetrated the neutral territories and is developing an emotional attachment to one of my creations. I'm sure they will attempt to dimensionally meld. Is that what you really want?
BILK
Now who's bluffing? Why would one of my fully realized souls want to meld with one of your bliss sissies?
NIXON
He's a special R and D program, a true visionary, sees everything. Believe me, Bilk, huh-huh, they'll want to meld.
BILK
Well Millhouse, if you're so afraid of a little free will then why don't you just play the divine intervention card? Invade the neutral territories and start carpet-bombing! Course that would prove you and your universe are flawed now, wouldn't it? Boy, I would sure hate to be in your shoes, Dickey. I'd hate to be flawed. That's why I'm not!
NIXON
You yellow-bellied cock-sucker, if you wanna start a pissing match with me you sure as hell better know how to piss cuz I DON'T FUCKING LOSE PISSING MATCHES!
BILK
Alright! Now them's the kind of terms I like to hear. A contest to see who has the better prostate gland: a dead man or an honorary Doctor.
NIXON
Listen Bilk, I gotta run. David Frost and Kissinger are coming over to work on some revisionisms. But you think about the treaty, OK?
BILK
Oh, you'll be hearing from me, Dickey. A-boom-chicka boom-chicka boom boom boom.
Thunder.
Act 2 Scene 3: Second Vortex Scene
WALLY
Another advance in broadcast technology from the Bad Luck Dimension is “Holographic Radio.” Through Alpha wave stimulation, Holographic Radio can take full possession of the listener’s soul and induce an electronically produced holographic dream state in Technicolor animation. The format: “ALL ADVERTISING! ALL DAY! EVERY DAY!”
The Beat Goes On and On
(Hear MP3)
NELLY
This world's gotta whole lot of space this world's gotta whole lot of…
You ask me if my love will grow you ask me if my love will…
Don't let me down don't let me down don't let me down Don't let me…
I guess everybody's a fool I guess everybody's a…
The beat goes on the beat goes on the beat goes on the beat goes…
For once in my lifetime I feel like a giant for once in…
SHIR-ley-JONES-shir-LEY-jones-SHIR-ley-JONES-shir-LEY-jones-SHIR-ley-JONES-shir-LEY-jones-SHIR-ley-JONES-shir-LEY-jones-SHIR-ley-JONES-shir-LEY-jones-SHIR-ley-JONES-shir-LEY-jones-SHIR-ley-JONES-shir-LEY-jones-SHIR-ley-JONES-shir-LEY-jones
PATRICK
Listening to these songs is bad enough, my little arsenic muffin. I can't imagine the agony of memorizing them.
NELLY
The really awful musical advertisements stick in my brain like red-hot knitting needles!
PATRICK
Musical Advertisements?
NELLY
There is a musical advertising group from my dimension called the GoaTease. They are four incestuous homosexual lepers from a tiny island in the South Pacific. They are so excruciating, vile, perverted and repellent they could not possibly escape greatness.
PATRICK
The GoaTease?
NELLY
They revolutionized popular culture! They're the first musical group to realize that commercials were the purest form of expression for popular musicians since radio only exists as a vehicle for advertising anyway. The leader of the group caused great controversy by saying the GoaTease were "bigger than SAUSAGE".
A slide projection of the phrase "Jesus spelled backwards sounds suspiciously like sausage." Appears behind Nelly.
PATRICK
Sausage?
NELLY
Sausage! The most exalted savior of damnation in the Universe!
PATRICK(Disgusted)
Sausage is what you 'savior'?
NELLY
It is written that just as life in the physical realm begins with copulation, so does life after death come through ritualized necrophilia. During the second "coming", the "Saw Sage" shall bring blessings from the "Sauce Age" giving the living everlasting death!
PATRICK
Oh please. Hate only me forever, my little stickerbag. But then that might not be so long, I guess. If we can just make it to the surface, our union might destroy not just one, but two Universes!
NELLY
Oh, Ratprick. Senseless, hideous, delusional Ratprick. You are an absolute monster, my bloody acid tampon!
PATRICK
You make me gag, my little shit bitch.
Act 2 Scene 4: The Janitor Scene
WALLY
Janitors, warriors against entropy, by in large do not have very good luck. Floor stripping subcontractors are especially misfortunate. Removing shiny surfaces on floors only to put new shiny surfaces back on afterwards... They are professionals specializing in the breaking of giant plates of mirror using small chain fatty acids... thus rendering a conduit for Bad Luck radiation. Felix has gotten a nearly lethal dose after having stripped one and a half floors by lunchtime. He sits in the lunch room, his head resting on the selenium lined coolant pipes of the Transamerica pyramid, the worlds tallest Bad Luck antenna, listening to his favorite Bay Area “Classic Metal” station. However, the transmission is rudely interrupted by a horrible, unworldly interference.
GEORGE
Fifteen two, fifteen four, double run for twelve, knobs for thirteen.
JANITOR 1
You feeble minded dog-rapin'son of a bitch! You fuckin' cheated!
GEORGE
Ahh, shut up you buzzard fucking worthless pile of a sore loser. Who are you fucking calling a cheater?
JANITOR 2
Quit peggin' fifteen when ya only got thirteen!
Spotlight on Felix, rockin' out to AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" which fades to static.
ANNOUNCER
Now to kick off another solid one hour block of commercials with no musical interruption, here's a triple shot of the GoaTease on QK-29. . .
Puppets appear and perform 3-D radio commercials from the Bad Luck Dimension.
PUPPET 1
DEEP FRIED WON TON NICOTINE SKIN PATCH!
PUPPET 2
I want Deep Fried Won Ton Nicotine Skin Patch.
PUPPET 1
I got Deep Fried Won Ton Nicotine Skin Patch.
PUPPET 2
You want to lick my Deep Fried Won Ton Nicotine Skin Patch.
PUPPET 1
I got Deep Fried Won Ton Nicotine Skin Patch and phenol flavored nipple cheese.
PUPPET 2
Sounds too good! I could just give away Deep Fried Won ton Nicotine Skin Patch.
PUPPETS 1 & 2:
DEEP FRIED WON TON NICOTINE SKIN PATCH!
PUPPET 2
You Want to Lick Real Bad! ! !
FELIX
What the hell was that?
AC/DC resumes, then fades
JANITOR 2
Hey George, let's get Felix to play. He can be the "dummy" hand.
JANITOR 1
Yeah George, I heard the sperm that made yer boy turned counter-clockwise, huh-huh!
JANITOR 2
Huh-huh… looks like ya shot a real "19 hand".
JANITOR 1
Yeah, yer not only a cheater, but yer boy is a wussy faggot… and half a sissy!
GEORGE
You know, you guys are both scientific proof that sound CAN travel through a vacuum.
Felix rocks out to Van Halen's "Runnin' with the Devil". It fades to static. A commercial for the "Calgon of the BLD starts.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
How did you get my loincloth so Itchy, Mr. EEEL?
MR. EEEL:
SILENCE! Ancestrally transmitted private mental annoyance!
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Ohh!
MRS. EEEL:
My hated parasite, some groin kick. Here's his ancestrally transmitted private mental annoyance: NOGLAC! Noglac has two varieties of fiberglass insulation and uses only the finest strains of poison ivy. Its patented rash producing particles penetrate deeply into fabrics to make clothing really itchy!
To husband
WE NEED MORE NOGLAC! ! !
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Ancestrally transmitted private mental annoyance HMMMM?
Van Halen resumes fades. Janitor 2 lifts his ass from his chair to emit a fart.
GEORGE
You fucking swine! What crawled up your stink hole and died?
JANITOR 2
Well if I can't skunk ya on the board, I gotta try the next best thing… huh-huh.
Janitors evacuate. Felix stays sitting, oblivious.
JANITOR 1
God damn, look at yer ass lickin' son sittin' in that holocaust of shit. He's probably got a hard on!
JANITOR 2
Ya know, even though yer boy spends more on make up than my old lady, I'll have to admit that "he", unlike my wife, shows a sense of style!
Felix rocks to Black Sabbath's "War Pigs" which fades to static.
JINGLE
DIE DIE DIE! ! !
Chill out at the Thrill and Kill Amusement Park.
ANNOUNCER
Don't be a hedonist nerd flower sissy! Get ripped in mutilating head-on collisions! This weekend at Thrill and Kill, experience the Sand Blaster in the Mouth Abrasive Spinal Severance and Homoerotic Asian Testosterone Murder Chemical Squeeze! Try antisocial mole chunneling through vast expanses of bleeding urethral nudity and many many more electrospasmodic excesses!
FEMALE VOICE:
Cathode-a-hologram rhubarb Saab!
ANNOUNCER
…said Barbara Bush as she bumped into an anagram of herself on the exciting new "Show your Shame" roller coaster! Slide down the Pink and Brown razor banister love gauntlets! Test your manhood fellas… stick your head in a vice with a rusty old rat tail file clamped between your teeth connected to a spring mechanism that is triggered when your penis becomes erect. Then pour tuna juice all over your ass hole and let the cats go at it. It's a great feeling! You can't be truly miserable without all of this! Admission is only 30 fluffy pillows and the first 100 guests through the gate receive all the rat poison you can eat and a free barbed wire Frisbee! Bring your Hated Parasite! Bring the entire family! Come squeal in mental anguish with a symbiotic vacancy because less is always more at THRILL AND KILL! ! !
JINGLE
Give me blood, entrails and gristle
Send me out in a blaze of glory,
Give me a really fast and exciting death,
Chill out at the Thrill and Kill Amusement Park.
DIE DIE DIE! ! !
Sabbath resumes fades.
JANITOR 2
Fifteen two, fifteen four, ain't no more. . .
JANITOR 1
Hey George, y'know, at least yer boy isn't confused about his sexuality, not knowin' what side of the fence he's on… I think he's sittin' right on top of the fence post! Ha-ha!
GEORGE
Yeah, well, at least my son doesn't use his DICK like it's a fence post!
JANITOR 2
Your son has a dick? Huh huh.
JANITOR 1
What the fuck are you gettin' at, George?
GEORGE
Well, I'm just sayin' that after what YOUR son did, you have no grounds to start criticizing MY kid.
JANITOR 2
Are you guys gonna start peggin' or should I just scratch my nuts till one o'clock?
JANITOR 1
You asshole! That lyin' bitch dropped the charges! My Tony didn't do nothin'!
GEORGE
That's not what the DNA said.
JANITOR 1
I am gonna stuff yer fuckin' balls right down yer fuckin' throat, ya bastard!
JANITOR 2
Ahh, lighten up, let's play.
GEORGE
Your state of denial doesn't change the truth, and for your information, your son Tony is the laughingstock of the school after asking Felix to the prom. . .cuz he turned him down!
JANITOR 1
Yer a fuckin' liar!
GEORGE
I guess Tony felt like he had to prove something after being dumped by a "sissy faggot and half a wussy".
JANITOR 1
That's a WUSSY faggot and half a… uh, mmm… SHUT UP YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLE! !
GEORGE
Yeah sure, that "lying bitch" was a "willing participant" alright… just like your old lady, in the broom closet at the office Christmas party! !
JANITOR 1
EAT MY FUCK! FUCK MY FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING, FUCK!
Janitor 2 restrains Janitor 1 as he attempts to strangle George. Lights shine on Felix as Patrick appears in his vortex pod.
PATRICK
I find myself repulsed by you in ways that are very… profound. I would find it torturous to spend eternity with you down here.
FELIX
Father? I mean, Master, is that you? Satan? Your wish is my command!
PATRICK
You're the first woman I've ever made eternal plans for. Doesn't that repulse you?
FELIX
First Woman, My Lord? I… I'm flattered. I heed your call!
Thrill and Kill Amusement Park
FELIX
I'm a strung out drag queen
But I'm sick of being on the glaze
A floor stripping subcontractor
I'm a heavy metal faggot for Satan.
And he tells all
Its not black and white but big and small
I can hear it in the pipes in the wall.
Give me blood, entrails and gristle
Send me out in a blaze of glory
Give me a really fast and exciting death
Chill out at the Thrill and Kill Amusement Park
My whole lifestyle
Maybe it's only a phase
But my reflection is
Staring at me through the glaze
Standing upright
The boatman has come for this girl
To take me to another world.
Give me blood, entrails and gristle
Send me out in a blaze of glory
Give me a really fast and exciting death
Chill out at the Thrill and Kill Amusement Park.
As song concludes Felix writes a quick note, smashes the window and jumps through it. George enters and finds the note. Note is read by Felix's "voice" during instrumental break.
FELIX
Dearest Father: Satan is in the plumbing and has beckoned. I know you won’t understand, but it is time for me to leave this world. I could not have asked for a better father. Thank you for your love and guidance. I hope we meet again on the other side. Your loving Daughter, Angelique.
GEORGE
Felix? FELIX! !