Past Projects > Jerungdu > Script Archive > Mahoney's Mirror
Mahoney's Mirror: A Sci-Fi Musical Comedy Adventure
by Michael Donahue, Newt Skink
& Bedlam Theatre Co.
Copyright 1997-2000
Characters (in order of appearance):
Little Girl
Richard NIXON Creator of our universe
Wally (the Fly) Fleagutz: Narrator
Hot Back up Singers
Christian Woman Theft Victim
Kowalski
Bookish Girl
MONK Witness, Burn Victim
Partner
Patrick Mahoney: Cop, founder of Bad Luck research
George Regan: Janitor, second generation Bad Luck scientist
Kelly Green/Nelly Greek: Police Dispatcher/ Her Bad Luck Doppelganger
Toni: Waitress
Announcer
Hugh Jamonic: News Anchor
Joy Pierce: Reporter
Abby Rubin: Leader of the Trippies
Bilk Ozby: Covert God of the Bad Luck dimension
Felix "Angelique" Regan: Heavy Metal drag queen for Satan
The Band
Janitors 1 & 2
Bad Luck Commercial Puppets
Olga: Second generation Bad Luck scientist
Act 1 Scene 1: The White House
A little girl holding a doll walks into a spotlight in the middle of the stage. She drops the doll and the arm falls off. She cries as a spotlight shines on Wally. He is dressed as a four star General similar to that of George C. Scott in "Patton".
LITTLE GIRL:
Mr. Army man, where does bad luck come from?
WALLY
From the void, a vortex appeared at the center of the Earth. A permanent membrane in our infinite universe leading to a parallel dimension… a Doppelganger built on chaos, resistant to pleasure, gravitating to pain. Waves of highly organized radioactive particles are leaking from the vortex into our dimension and are slowly eroding our American way of life, disrupting the natural harmony of the cosmos, disturbing the President's vision of the perfect universe built on order, structure, and free trade…
A giant puppet head of Nixon appears from behind the clouds above the White House.
NIXON
(Thunder)
General Wallace Perciville Fleagutz.
WALLY
Y-Yes Mr. President?
NIXON
I received your memorandum via errand chrerub concerning my creation of a Patrick Mahoney.
Patrick appears on the video screen.
WALLY
Yes, Mr. President, I wanted to bring to your attention a possible chink in the armor of your divine conspiracy. I have had my best men monitoring Mahoney and I believe him to be extremely dangerous.
NIXON
(Thunder)
I see, so you're another one of those yellow bellied cock-suckers who questions the omnipotence of NIXON… THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE! ! !
WALLY
Mr. President, your um omnipotence, I am certain that you are aware of… of everything, I only wanted to know if you fully considered the threat posed by a soul bound to the flesh who has no sense of irony or metaphor.
NIXON
There are no threats to NIXON, THE ULTIMATE DIVINITY! And if you continue to annoy me with your inconsequential prayer memos I will clear all memory of your existence from St. Hoover's files at the pearly gates and you shall be cast out of the White House uncommissioned and undecorated for all eternity!
WALLY
B-but sir, without irony or metaphor, Mahoney might be able to comprehend… the vortex.
NIXON
Of course he can comprehend the vortex! Why do you think I created him you little shit brain?
WALLY
But sir, our efforts to secure the vortex and smother the enemy have been… imperfect. There are still leaks. There is some… vulnerability. If Mahoney were to understand the vortex, he might…
NIXON
Do you think I'm afraid of some puny cop with a PhD?
WALLY
But sir, without irony he cannot be duped by the smoke screen of paradox. Without metaphor, his mind cannot falsely succor itself through comfortable but irrelevant comparisons. He can see the true nature of the universe. He presents a threat to the divine conspiracy Mr. President and I think it would be prudent to abort the program before…
NIXON
(Thunder)
Fleagutz, I have grown tired of your insolence and tedious warnings of doom and woe! I hereby banish thee from the White House. You are now demoted to the rank of Insect Observer status and shall be reassigned to low security surveillance. Your new code name will be Wally the Fly and your former existence shall be permanently erased. NIXON HAS SPOKEN!
WALLY
But Mr. President! Mr. President! MR. PRESIDENT! ! !
The White House shakes and parts in the middle as the band appears from the shell of the building. They are riding on a silver stage resembling a space ship with fog machines billowing from beneath. Three sexy female backup singers are on stage with the band in dark shades, black secret service suits and angel wings holding guns and striking a "Charlie's Angels" pose.
The Vortex
(Hear MP3)
WALLY
In the beginning in 1969
The President created the Universe
On the second day, the CIA and the Press
Now pardon me while I digress
Every memory before '69
Was the result of a government sponsored mass hypnosis
From the Big Bang at Woodstock
Came the primal celestial zygosis
A soul free from metaphor and irony according to our investigation
Just one perforation in the fabric of creation
We let one slip through the cracks, It was a lethal error
A threat to national security
Damn the recorders
Protecting our borders
Just tell the reporters
We were just following orders
The council didn't think he could sabotage the vortex
Sexy backup singers begin stripping Wally of his military decorations and removing his clothing to reveal a fly outfit. They attach fly wings on his back as he sings.
According to government sources
And experts in military intelligence
There were gaps in our reconnaissance
As obvious as white elephants
Though I considered it to have been unwise
There were no attempts at neutralization
They thought misinformation could suppress the threat
In this highly classified operation
All these oblivious civilians
Roaming around like mindless ants
While we do more by seven a.m.
To protect them from what they can't understand
It was 1970, New York City
Never trust a cop with a PhD
Deface, disgrace, use nuclear force
Debase, erase, the tapes are the source
Of the Vortex
Can't be discovered
The Vortex
Can't be uncovered
The Vortex
Can't be explained
The Vortex
Must be maintained
It's the Vortex…
Wally rises and flies up to the rafters as the song ends.
Act 1 Scene 2: Central Park
An old woman walks across the stage carrying a purse. There is a monk meditating and a girl reading a book across the stage. A young thug "Kowalski" approaches the woman from behind, steals her purse and runs off.
WOMAN
Help! Help! Police!
Thief exits. Enter Patrick and Partner. Partner gives chase. Patrick looks back thoughtfully.
WOMAN
My purse… What about…
PATRICK
Shhhh.
Patrick sees something. Motions for Woman to step back as he does the same.
PATRICK
If I could just ask you to step back… ma'am.
WOMAN
B-but my purse…
Patrick trips Kowalski entering and makes the arrest as Partner enters.
PARTNER
Ahh, now that's some brilliant work, Mahoney. Just brilliant!
KOWALSKI
Oh, give me a break! What's so brilliant? Getting paid for standing still? That's not brilliant, that's lucky!
PARTNER
Yeah, it always looks like luck to people who don't know what the hell they're doin'. People who aren't trained. People without the understanding.
KOWALSKI
Have you lost your mind? Dick Tracy was just picking his nose here, waiting for his pension. It was just an accident!
WOMAN
It was Gawd's will!
KOWALSKI
God's will? Did he make me unemployed and desperate, too? These ain't angels here, Lady. This is society! Society and Bad Luck.
WOMAN
He is testing you! Sending you a divine message! God is doing this for your own good!
KOWALSKI
This is a favor? (Looks up) This? Could he just send a check next time?
WOMAN
He's trying to save you from yourself!
KOWALSKI
From myself? First he created me and now he needs to save me from MYSELF? Does this make ANY sense? I mean, whatever happened to free will?
BOOKISH GIRL
Free will is a burden too onerous for the ordinary psyche. The great majority of people consent to the restrictive constraints of the army, marriage, a career, or even prison in order to ESCAPE from free will.
KOWALSKI
But I wasn't trying to get caught! It was just Bad Luck!
MONK
Please allow me.
KOWALSKI
Oh, what?
MONK
Your karma is suffering from your misdeeds in a past life! Just so have you returned to this spot to receive your just punishment. As the Buddha has promised the circle is completed, justice is served!
KOWALSKI
Reincarnation? I'm being prosecuted for past lives? Has everyone lost their minds? And isn't there a statute of limitations on these things?
PARTNER
Alright, alright, enough of this! Mahoney, why don't you just tell us how you did it and settle it for everyone.
PATRICK
Well, you see, I recognized this guy. His name's Kowalski, we busted him in that liquor store job a couple of weeks ago. Kowalski is a textbook case of someone instintively drawn to Bad Luck Attractors. Everywhere he goes you see a trail of ladders, broken mirrors and black cats. When I saw this woman standing on a crack in the sidewalk with a broken compact and an umbrella, well, I'm sure this woman has had a string of Bad Luck losers running through her life. Anyway, I had a hunch that he'd be coming back this way to check her out again.
Bad Luck Stage One
PATRICK
It's not his lucky day
Now the skies are turning gray
The hustle of the streets in the city
He never learned to make it pay
KOWALSKI
Ladders, horse shoes, umbrellas and mirrors
Are always gettin' in my way
PARTNER
Now he'll be the queen of cell block thirteen
Lookin' for the soap that ain't in the tray.
PATRICK
It was just BAD LUCK
CHORUS
Some guys got it, some guys don't
PATRICK
BAD LUCK
CHORUS
Some guys got it, some guys don't
PATRICK
BAD LUCK
CHORUS
Some guys got it, Some guys don't
PATRICK
TOTAL DESPAIR, TOTAL DESPAIR!!!
KOWALSKI
See, see? What'd I tell you?
Man and Woman walk off skeptically. Scene has changed to Precinct 13. Kelly is working behind a desk. George the janitor is sweeping up.
PATRICK
Man, that Kelly Green sure is something.
KOWALSKI
(Whistles)
PARTNER
Shaddup!
PATRICK
What do you suppose my odds are with her?
KOWALSKI
None.
PARTNER
You never know, man. But your odds are a hell of a lot better if you try. I'll tell you what, you just walk up to her right now and you ask her out! Then just take her to some nice place, some French restaurant or something. Some music, some food, get her a nice bottle of wine.
PATRICK
What kind of wine should I get?
KOWALSKI
A couple bottles of Chateau de Flambeau should do the trick. Whew!
PARTNER
Just don't worry about it, Patrick. It's natural, the most natural thing in the world. And be confident. You're the luckiest guy around.
PATRICK
Okay. Yeah. Here I go.
George walks up to Kelly's desk. Patrick stops dead in his tracks.
GEORGE
Hey, Kelly?
KELLY
Yes?
GEORGE
Well, I was just wondering… wondering if you might like to go out with me sometime.
KELLY
Well, maybe… Like, maybe if you were the last man alive in the world or something. But I'm not making any promises.
GEORGE
Oh.
PATRICK
Oh, man…
PARTNER
Come on, Patrick. Come on…
Patrick and the Partner bring Kowalski to Kelly's desk.
KOWALSKI
Hey! Nobody read me my rights!
KELLY
Shaddup. This ain't the movies.
PATRICK
Hey Kelly?
KELLY
Yes?
PATRICK
Yeah, I was just wondering if you'd like to go out with me this Thursday… for dinner. Some nice place, French food. Music. Candles. Nice bottle of wine.
KELLY
I never go out with cops.
PATRICK
Well I… uh.
KELLY
But tonight I'm starved. Let's go.
KOWALSKI
What about criminals? Do you like criminals?
Kelly ponders the notion. Patrick grabs her by the arm and scuffles off in a hurry. The partner gives Patrick the thumbs up.
Act 1 Scene 3: The Sagebrush Cafe
PATRICK
Well, um, this place is kinda… warmer. I did have my heart set on something a little more, um, au Fron-say, um, French.
KELLY
Yes, well, I was in the mood for something hot and the Sagebrush is the only Southwestern restaurant in town that's owned by French immigrants.
PATRICK
Uh… yeah.
KELLY
It's brilliant! I mean how else could they possibly compete with Bistro de Sanscock around the corner?
WAITRESS
Bonjour, my name is Toni. I'll be your waitress this evening. Can I get you something to drink?
Echoed voice of the criminal bellows out suggesting Patrick's silent thoughts.
KOWALSKI
A couple bottles of Chateau de Flambeau should do the trick. Whew!
PATRICK
Oh! CHATEAU DE LA FLAMBEAU!
WAITRESS
Chateau de la Flambeau?! CHATEAU DE LA FLAMBEAU! CHATEAU DE LA FLAMBEAU!
Chaos. Screaming. Two waiters bash into each other and spill their trays and grab fire extinguishers. Kelly looks at Patrick, clearly puzzled.
KELLY
What?
PATRICK
Do you have that?
WAITRESS
Smoke? Flames? CHATEAU DE LA FLAMBEAU!
KELLY
What is your special this evening?
PATRICK
I want a bottle of Chateau de la Flambeau!
The chaos subsides as people can see there is no fire Waiter walk off annoyed.
WAITRESS
A bottle? No. No.
KELLY (annoyed):
What is your Special?
WAITRESS
Our special tonight is a rattlesnake marinated in cumin and cilantro with a pomegranate salad in a prickly pear vinegarette.
KELLY
That sounds good. I'll have the Chiles Relleno and the man shall have the rattlesnake special.
PATRICK
But I'm a vegetarian!
WAITRESS
Should I give you a minute?
KELLY
Yes. Please. I don't think I ever met a cop who was a vegetarian.
PATRICK
Well, it has nothing to do with health. It's strictly a moral issue.
KELLY
Oh, so you're opposed to animals being raised in captivity?
PATRICK
Well yeah, that's right. Cuz…
KELLY
Well these snakes are caught out in the wild and I've had this special. It's excellent.
PATRICK
Well yeah but I, I still don't eat animals.
KELLY
Why? Are you against animals dying in general? What are you going to do about that? And what about all the forests and prairies that have been mowed down to grow your precious vegetables? Why do you fool yourself?
PATRICK
I… don't think I like pomegranate?
KELLY
Oh, I'm sure. Have you ever TRIED pomegranate?
PATRICK
Well… I… (think I seen one once).
KELLY (Interrupts)
These rattlesnakes were caught in Texas, not that radioactive sand in Nevada. And as for pomegranate, it's an aphrodisiac. They didn't have apples in the holyland. Eve seduced Adam with a pomegranate.
WAITRESS
Have you made your decision?
KELLY
Have YOU made a decision?
Patrick (resistant):
No.
WAITRESS
A little more time.
PATRICK
Thank you. Thank you very much.
KELLY
You're one of those rigid inflexible men aren't you?
PATRICK
I… I…
KELLY
The rattlesnake is EXCELLENT.
PATRICK
I AM a VEGETARIAN! I am NOT inflexible. I WON'T eat rattlesnake and I, I… I DON'T like pomegranate. And why are YOU… so PUSHY?
WAITRESS (clearly annoyed)
Have you decided yet?
PATRICK
Oh for Christ sake… I'll have the rattlesnake.
WAITRESS
And to drink?
KELLY
We'll have two Coronas please.
WAITRESS
Merci. (Takes menus.)
KELLY
This place is starting to bore me. What should we do next?
PATRICK
(Looks at his watch)
Oh… I have to get home. I need to… feed my cat.
KELLY
Feed your cat?! But I thought you didn't believe in raising animals in captivity! Besides, I have a bottle of excellent French wine back at my place.
PATRICK
Well, actually I…
KELLY
Yes.
PATRICK
I have an experiment I need to conduct at midnight. I haven't told anybody but before I became a cop I was a scientist at Cornell.
KELLY
(Interested)
An experiment? At midnight?
PATRICK
Yes! I'm experimenting with a powerful radiant energy.
KELLY
You mean like gamma rays or something?
PATRICK
No! Bad Luck! The GRAY area of science.
KELLY
Why are Gamma rays bad luck?
PATRICK
No, no, you see… I'm experimenting with Bad Luck itself. I believe that Bad Luck IS a radiant energy that can be measured and manipulated.
KELLY
Oh right. That's quite a theory. I think I read about that in the Globe.
PATRICK
Yes, the gray area of science.
KELLY
Well, that sounds delightful. But if you're so brilliant, why are you working as a cop?
PATRICK
Actually, I developed an interest in Criminal Justice while studying people who I would characterize as "down on their luck". Plus it pays the bills. After all, nobody is going to fund MY research. I have encountered nothing but infuriating resistance from the mainstream scientific community.
KELLY
Hmmm, I see.
PATRICK
As a result, I currently continue my research on my off hours, without all the discouragement I received from those… zealots from the mainstream.
KELLY
That's all very… interesting, Patrick. And admirable… in a way. I do love a person that isn't afraid to take chances with the Darker side of Life. But I wouldn't want to interfere with your research.
PATRICK
No, No. I insist. I would be delighted to share my research with you, it's just that we'd have to get going if we're going to make it back in time.
(Waitress arrives.)
KELLY
Can we get these to go? (Grabs Patrick by the arm.) We can stop at my place for the wine.
Act 1 Scene 4: Patrick's Apartment
WALLY
The really talented selfless masochists develop an uncanny ability to find abuse where you'd least expect it and instinctively confuse catastrophe with foreplay. Like the butterfly wing that starts a hurricane, Patrick has no idea how completely his rhoids will get ripped as a result of gettin' his rocks off. But his survival instincts, perhaps an imprint of his CIA programming are beginning to tell him that his desire for police dispatcher Kelly Green could be getting him in so deep he might drown in oblivion. Between the two, he suffers from classic subconscious suicide vertigo. Quite dicey and maximum entertainment value to behold.
PATRICK
Make yourself comfortable. Excuse me, but I have to set things up for my experiment.
KELLY
(Picks up mirrors, horseshoes, pyramids, etc. Interested.)
Are you part of a cult?
PATRICK
(Wearing lab coat) It's not a cult. It's Science! And I'm going to prove it.
KELLY
Well, what's with all this junk lying around here?
PATRICK
This "junk" is going to change science's perception of reality.
KELLY
Sounds pretty cultish to me. So what's this pyramid for?
PATRICK
Pyramids are very misunderstood. My hypothesis is that the building of the pyramids was the downfall of the Egyptian Empire.
KELLY
You're a Mason!
PATRICK
Extensive research has been done to show that razor blades actually get sharper when suspended inside of pyramids… thus making them more dangerous. Many fanatics and cultists perceive this as "Pyramid Power", but I've done vector analysis studies showing that pyramids capture a radiant energy, let's call it Bad Luck radiation, emanating from the center of the Earth.
Buzzer sounds.
Excuse me, it's almost midnight.
Patrick flips a switch and an electric train goes into motion.
KELLY
And are model trains bad luck too? My brother had one once. . .
PATRICK
It's an experiment! Look, here you have a series of Bad Luck archetypes. Never walk under a ladder, i.e. a "two dimensional pyramid" i.e. "bad luck antenna". Of course, upside down horseshoes fall loosely into the same "two dimensional antenna" category.
KELLY
Of course.
PATRICK
Never open an umbrella indoors. Why?
KELLY
Because it's senseless?
PATRICK
No! Because umbrellas are actually parabolic antennas, much like satellite dishes, pointing UPSIDE DOWN, collecting mega doses of Bad Luck energy radiating from the center of the earth. And then there's the dreaded mirror, the black cat, and…
Clock strikes midnight.
KELLY
Midnight.
PATRICK
At last.
The train passes under the ladder for the thirteenth time. Thunder crashes as the lights go out. Lights come back up as Wally tips a flower watering tin and sprinkles water on Kelly's head from the rafters.
PATRICK
Yes! That's the second time this week! Same result! On the thirteenth rotation the horseshoe falls, cracks the mirror, the train derails and the transformer arcs to the bookshelf setting it on fire… then the sprinkler activates. Twice in the same week! What do you think of That?
KELLY
It's... AMAZING, Patrick. Almost like some sort of witchcraft!
PATRICK
Oh, no, no. I wouldn't go that far. It's still just basic science! Testing, measuring theorizing. Testing measuring, theorizing.
KELLY
Patrick, what you've harnessed, it's like a basic element! You've created rain, lightning, thunder, right here in your apartment!
PATRICK
Well, it might look that way.
KELLY
You have such incredible power! (Seductively) What are you going to do with it?
PATRICK
Well, while the levels of radioactivity are still incredibly high, probably tonight through tomorrow afternoon, I'll probably just keep running the same experiment, testing, measuring. It's a wonderful opportunity to put together a database on the rise and fall AND fluctuation of Bad Luck energy.
KELLY
Is that all?
PATRICK
Is that all! Kelly, you have no idea what this means.
KELLY
Yes I do! It means a man with the power of a God is going to spend his weekend cooped up in this tiny room with all his stupid toys!
PATRICK
Oh, you don't understand, Kelly. This is SCIENCE. We operate under tightly controlled circumstances, incrementally acquiring information, bit by bit, creating unassailable systems of perfect beauty.
KELLY
And what are you going to do with this Perfect Beauty of yours?
PATRICK
Kelly, I'm talking about eliminating Bad Luck from the face of the Earth. Creating a golden age in which nothing is beyond our power because nothing ever goes wrong.
KELLY
I see. The same. Old. Shit.
PATRICK
What are you talking about?
KELLY
Men! Always the same. Always looking for control.
PATRICK
Oh, Kelly. . .
KELLY
You think that's what you want. You think that'll make you happy, but it never does. All your money, all your power. It's never enough. It only leaves you wanting, wanting.
PATRICK
What do you. . ? What? Wanting what?
KELLY
Life. It's always just beyond your reach, Patrick. Sometimes you can almost feel it. But you have to take your chances, Patrick. SEIZE your opportunities - - and take your chances. Give yourself up to risk. Let life wash itself over you.
PATRICK
I… I…
KELLY
Patrick?
PATRICK
What do you want?
KELLY
I want to see REAL train wrecks! The elements released! I want to see patriarchal corporate dominance destroyed so that the feminine elements of life can take over!
PATRICK
R-right now?
Kelly unbuttons her shirt.
KELLY
Tomorrow. We can start tomorrow.
PATRICK
I… I…
KELLY
You don't have to speak, Patrick.
PATRICK
I think I need a drink.
KELLY
Chateau de la Flambeau?
Chateau de la Flambeau
PATRICK
Midnight, so strange how quickly luck can change,
Dim the lights, everything is wrong at the same time it is right.
Hands move turning present into past,
The big hand touches the little hand.
KELLY
Just a start or just another one night stand,
From a spark, it happened far too fast to
Understand
PATRICK AND KELLY
Hands move turning present into past
The big hand touches the little hand
Is it a blessing or a curse?
Is it for better or for worse?
Here we stand among the ashes
Hand in hand as thunder crashes
Is it just a twist fate?
Is it far too soon to know?
Will it all go up in flames?
Chateau de la Flambeau.
PATRICK
Traction, dreams hypnotic in the watch's action,
KELLY
Turns frustration into satisfaction.
PATRICK AND KELLY
Hands move turning present into past,
The big hand touches the little hand.
Is it a blessing or a curse?
Is it for better or for worse?
Here we stand among the ashes
Hand in hand as thunder crashes
Is it just a twist fate?
Is it far too soon to know?
Will it all go up in flames?
Chateau de la Flambeau.
Kelly lies on the table and Patrick climbs on top of her.