Past Projects > Jerungdu > Script Archive > Dragon Fist Hidden Gerbil > DFHG (2) > DFHG (Part 3)
Dragon Fist Hidden Gerbil (Part 3)
By Michael Donahue and Robert Eichinger
Act 2 Scene 6: Exterior Hillside in the Country, Sunset
VIDEO CUE 41:
Loop of panoramic landscape of Asian hillside. Animated Sao Lin Warrior fights animated Lesbian Ninja.
SOUND CUE 7:
Battle noises rage in the background.
Dragon Lady and Uncle Plow are sharing a Hookah. Limbs and body parts are flung on stage as they smoke. Enter a Lesbian Ninja and Sao Lin Warrior engrossed in vicious combat. They cross the stage and exit.
DRAGON LADY
I gotta pee.
UNCLE PLOW
I'm trying really hard to care. But I can't. Maybe a few more hits will help.
Dragon Lady goes to side of stage and pees standing up. Cooty enters but doesn't see the Dragon Lady.
UNCLE PLOW (CONT'D)
Nephew, you are back from your meditations!
COOTY
Listen to the words of an enlightened man.
VIDEO CUE 42:
Music video for Nettle S & M. Cooty meditates. Slow dolly into face closeup. Enlightenment explosion as his third eye opens.
Nettle S & M
COOTY:
On the icy peak
Of my mountain top
I heard a howling voice
And I could not make it stop
It wasn't just the wind
It wasn't in my head
It was the mighty Guddha
And this is what he said
Disco break starts.
Oh Master Plow
You teach restraint
Celibacy and abstinence
Are only for the saints
You're headed for destruction
You work against your cause
I have the only answer
And it's simple because
Cooty sees the Dragon Lady. He pulls her to mid stage and acts like he is introducing her to Plow.
Oh Dragon master
Suffering centered me
I ask for nothing more
So please hear my plea
It was sex without sex
It was joy in the pain
It was the mighty Guddha
Just trying to explain
My self-nettling
Was everything at once
It was stuttering breaths
And low moaning grunts
Masters can't you see
Your opposites are not
You both are as one
And it is oh so hot
Gregorian Chant
Auto-eroto
Sado-maso-
Self nettlfication
Is the spiritual wealth
Of a new Guddhist nation
Cooty whacks himself with nettle chucks. Dragon Lady sits at the Hookah. with Plow. Plow and Dragon Lady laugh.
VIDEO CUE 43:
Loop of panoramic landscape of Asian countryside. Animated Sao Lin Warriors fight animated Lesbian Ninjas. Same as before.
UNCLE PLOW
Nephew, You are a true Guddhist saint.
DRAGON LADY
Yes Plow, I knew your nephew had potential.
Dragon Lady and Uncle Plow start to laugh and slap each other on the back.
COOTY
How can this be? While your solders are fighting you are sharing a hookah? Is everything you've said to me lies? I don't understand.
UNCLE PLOW
I'm sorry Cooty that I couldn't tell you this truth before. It would have shortened your journey.
COOTY
What? You two are friends? I just spent a year freezing my nuts off to make you two laugh. That really gets my gerbil!
DRAGON LADY
Do not confuse the journey with the destination. You are on your way to Velveeta but on your own path.
UNCLE PLOW
Yes Nephew, your Nettleism would interfere with the learning of our students. Everyone is on his or her own journey. At the end of the journey is the wisdom to help others along the same path. It is easy to feel at a point of wisdom that your path would work for anyone.
DRAGON LADY
I am at the end of a journey of confusion and I am now free to experience joy. You are on two paths, confusion and redemption. I could only bring you half way then help you find another who had walked your other path.
UNCLE PLOW
I am at the end of a journey of redemption. I too have wronged my family. I helped you to slowly walk down my old path.
DRAGON LADY
A shortened path is like having too few swimming lessons. You can still get in the water but you are less prepared.
COOTY
And you can drown in what should have been the truth. Your students are on a path of useless repetition. I can not help them. I am sorry Masters. I have failed to reach enlightenment again.
UNCLE PLOW
Cooty, a true sage knows to walk away from the world and allow it to evolve in its own way and at its own pace.
COOTY
So what should I do?
Plow takes another hit off the hookah.
UNCLE PLOW
(Annoyed.)
Get the Hell back up to your cave and stop asking me what to do!
Act 2 Scene 7: Dark Alley, Night
VIDEO CUE 44:
Loop of dark alleyway in the village, night.
Cooty's Mother is wearing dirty rags.
MOTHER
The Guddha is merciful because no one I know will see me begging in rags. The Guddha is wise because no evil doers can know how weak my mind has become. The Guddha is compassionate because when my migraine split my skull, he distended my hungry belly and cracked my dry flesh to bring attention away from my head.
Eighty Whore Brides underscore starts as Auntie Kim and Yu Oh Mhee enter.
AUNTIE KIM
What luck! It is my former sister in law. I can avenge my last husband's death!
MOTHER
Please no!
YU OH MHEE
Hold on. Revenge is high on jail time low on profit.
AUNTIE KIM
Hmmm. We will kidnap this pretty lady and transform her affections into cash while asking for remittance from her own flesh and blood.
YU OH MHEE
Ten words or less please.
Auntie Kim grabs Mother by the hair. Music stops.
AUNTIE KIM
We sell her ass until her son can buy it back.
YU OH MHEE counts the words on his fingers. On the eleventh word, 'back,' he looks at his cock.
YU OH MHEE
That was eleven words. Counting to eleven makes me horny.
Music starts again as Sailors and other whores enter.
VIDEO CUE 45:
Images of unhappy Mother for sale on the mail order bride web site.
Eighty Whore Brides Revisited
MOTHER:
Leave me alone
Please let me go
AUNTIE KIM:
But you took out a loan
You have love-farm to ho.
When I throw you a bone
You best make it grow.
YU OH MHEE:
My Eighty Whore Brides
And your outlaw sister
Eighty-one Whore Brides
No sores or blisters
MOTHER:
The eighty-first Bride
Why Gouda why?
The eighty- first Whore
No tears left to cry
Act 2 Scene 8: The Cave
VIDEO CUE 46:
Loop of cave interior. Same as before.
Cooty is back in his cave. He has green hair.
COOTY
The world is an illusion. Ommm. The world is a delusion. Ommm. The world is a distraction. Ommm. The illusion of the world subtracts from my concentration. Let all the arguing voices in my mind say Ommm. I will think in nothingness which is realer than somethingness. Oh crap! The word "nothing" is something. (Deep breath) Ommm. I give up my body. Ommm. I give up my place in this world. Ommm.
SOUND CUE 8: A doorbell sounds.
COOTY (CONT'D)
How can I believe in nothing while something is at the door? AHHHHH!
UNCLE PLOW (Drunk)
Cooty, open up the rear entrance to your sacred cave.
DRAGON LADY
You must gerbil your enemies before they escape!
COOTY
I have given up the world. In the emptiness I used to call my mind I see only un sight.
UNCLE PLOW (To Dragon Lady)
Oh shit.
DRAGON LADY
Cooty. We have serious business. We're coming in!
Enter Uncle Plow and Dragon Lady.
UNCLE PLOW
Earth to Cooty! Can you hear me?
(To Dragon Lady as he points to Cooty's green wig.)
The result of a steady diet of nettles...
DRAGON LADY
He looks like a cucumber on crack.
COOTY
I unhear the emptiness that once represented my Uncle.
UNCLE PLOW
Your Mother has been kidnapped! She is being held by a loan shark and you must save her. Auntie Kim has masterminded the whole thing through her shrewish manipulation.
COOTY
The emptiness that was the world holds many distractions for the weak.
UNCLE PLOW (Leaning in)
Burp!
COOTY
Uncle! I can smell your dinner!
UNCLE PLOW
I drank my dinner from left over girl beers at a party.
DRAGON LADY
Brilliant! Your wreaking breath has brought him out of meditation.
COOTY
I am merely reminded of a world I used to dream in.
UNCLE PLOW
The Guddha has taught me to cut the cheese as a last resort!
COOTY
(Snaps out of it.)
Okay! I'm back. Uncle, Please!
UNCLE PLOW
Once again you miss the point! I will tell you quickly because we are short of time and the ravages of booze have shortened my attention span. Nothing is a lesson ABOUT the world. The world is still where you go to learn that the world doesn't exist.
COOTY
Master, you told me I must allow the world to evolve at its pace. Why are you two interfering?
DRAGON LADY
That loan shark is stealing my recruits and turning them into whores!!
UNCLE PLOW
Yes and he is also moving the necessary sexual temptation that will benefit my student's self discipline to the sleazy part of town. It's a long walk.
DRAGON LADY
Your Mother is in danger. We three Kung Fu masters must kick that loan shark's ass! Oh, and save your mother.
COOTY
I am a Kung Fu master?
UNCLE PLOW
Your evil Aunt has wronged her family and doesn't know the way to Velveeta.
COOTY
I get it. My journey is redemption. She is on my same path. I must help her. Let's go kick ass!
UNCLE PLOW
Knowing that the ass we kick is not real of course.
COOTY
Of course.
DRAGON LADY
LET'S GO!
Act 2 Scene 9: Loan Shark Hideout
VIDEO CUE 47:
Interior of a loan sharks hideout. It's a dingy warehouse with booty piled up everywhere.
Yu Oh Mhee and Auntie Kim are in the loan shark hide out. Cooty's mother is chained in a corner. There are three henchman playing cards.
YU OH MHEE
Your sister in law is a bad whore. None of her customers come back.
HENCHMAN
I had her twice but only because I couldn't believe how bad she was the first time.
AUNTIE KIM
She will turn a profit or get the lash.
SOUND CUE 9:
Gong crashes.
Enter Cooty, Uncle Plow and Dragon Lady. Dialog is dubbed.
UNCLE PLOW
YU OH MHEE, you have stolen Cooty's Mother! You won't get away with this!
DRAGON LADY
You can not face our masterful martial arts. Give her up!
COOTY
Mother, I'm here to save you with my powerful Gerbil Style Kung Fu!!
HENCHMAN
Your what?
AUNTIE KIM
We will defeat all of you. Stand and fight my henchmen!
Henchmen draw swords.
YU OH MHEE
YOUR Henchmen? Shut up! Okay. You can have her back for thirty bucks.
UNCLE PLOW
I drank my money. Cooty?
COOTY
I've been eating nettles. Dragon Lady?
DRAGON LADY
I got all new uniforms for my ninjas just last week.
UNCLE PLOW
(Shrugs his shoulders.)
We fight.
YU OH MHEE
(Draws his sword.)
We Fight! You DIE!
VIDEO CUE 48:
Flashing lights inter cut with cartoon text that says "POW", "BOF" "CRASH" etc.
Band plays Instrumental to accompany the fight scene. Yu Oh Mhee and his henchmen have weapons. Auntie Kim backs up from the fight until Cooty's Mom can grab her and wrestle her. Good guys win.
SOUND CUE 10:
Video game sounds chime in. A computerized voice says "ALL MISSIONS COMPLETE. PLEASE CONSIDER A PURCHASE OF DRAGON FIST TWO ALREADY IN STORES."
VIDEO CUE 49:
"CONGRATULATIONS" flashes on the video screen as overlay to loop of loan shark hideout background.
Auntie Kim realizes she has no one to defend her and has run out of options.
AUNTIE KIM
(Dialog not dubbed.)
Cooty... I mean... Uh... my most honorable and enlightened Nephew. I must make amends. I have seen the errors in my ways. Please Nephew, I beg your forgiveness.
COOTY
Auntie Kim, I've forgiven you ages ago. That however does not solve the problem of your bad Parma.
AUNTIE KIM
What do you mean?
COOTY
Forgiveness is something I do for myself not for the benefit of those who have wronged me. Forgiveness allows me to live a life free of burden and torment.
AUNTIE KIM
Help me then. You are all I have left. I'll be your humble servant. I'll do anything you ask.
COOTY
Hmmm... well I always wanted a temple built in my honor. How are you at moving large stones up steep, treacherous mountains?
AUNTIE KIM
Thank you Nephew... I mean thank you Master... Thank you.
Auntie Kim proceeds to haul giant stones across the stage.
Act 2 Scene 9 1/2: Exterior, Countryside
VIDEO CUE 50:
Panoramic view of three mountain peaks, same as before. Animation of Auntie Kim building the third temple.
Dragon Lady enters.
DRAGON LADY
Yes Cooty, you have truly arrived. No great-enlightened master is complete without at least one minion to order around.
COOTY
Dragon Lady, come sit with me. We have many things to talk about.
DRAGON LADY
What is on your mind my wise friend?
COOTY
I am troubled by the dishonest circumstances of our meeting one another. I misrepresented myself as a woman in order to gain knowledge from you. As I studied at your temple I developed a deep and sincere love for you. At first my feelings of affection were confusing because I did not know myself. Now that I have devoted my life to self-discovery my feelings for you confuse me even more.
DRAGON LADY
How so?
COOTY
I have come to terms with the fact that I can only enjoy the intimate company of other men. It is something I have almost reconciled within myself... except for the fact that I also have those feelings for you. I am sad and lonely when I think that I can not consummate these feelings with you because of your womanhood. None of it makes sense to me.
DRAGON LADY
Well Cooty, I too am troubled by the dishonest circumstances of our meeting one another. You see... I'm not just the Dragon Lady...
Opens her dress to show a big phallus.
DRAGON LADY (CONT'D., Dubbed man's voice.)
I'm a man in drag.
SOUND CUE 11:
Video game sounds chime in. A computerized voice says "LEVEL 27 COMPLETE. YOU HAVE EARNED 5,000 BONUS POINTS. PREPARE TO DO THE DRAGGIN' LADY!"
VIDEO CUE 51:
Overlay of text on three mountains background flashes: "5000 points" and "Do the Draggin' Lady".
Musical intro starts as Cooty and Dragon Lady kiss passionately.
DRAGON LADY (CONT'D)
From this day forward the woman side of me shall never come between us.
VIDEO CUE 52:
The Guddha appears on the video screen.
The Guddha is a large man sitting cross legged with a huge belly hanging over his loin cloth. He is covered in yellow body paint.
UNCLE PLOW (stares at the screen then looks in his pants)
Oh truth, I feel my lingam turned inside out to my inner truth. Oh sacred mystery...
DRAGON LADY
What the fuck are you talking about Plow?
UNCLE PLOW (points at the screen)
A divine spontaneous gender reassignment. I was an uncle but now I am an aunt. Behold the great and mighty Guddha!
Full cast enters and stares in awe.
RANDOM PERSON
Let us sing his praises!
GUDDHA
Stop. Do not sing. If I hear one more song fused with nonsense I will puke.
COOTY
And exude the pre-chewed cheesy bile of knowledge to us all?
GUDDHA
No. Regular puke. Your songs are awful. They do not honor me. The moment I blew my wad the corruption of consciousness has deranged the edges of nothingness. A demonic hoard of yeast has opened their mouths to devour the truth. I am not your queer-ass she male chorus line. I am not women wearing pants or men wearing skirts. I am the sweat dripping from the ends of your pubic hair. I am the milk dangling from your nads. Breasts are too yin. I am not talking about tits. I speak of the milk from neither man nor woman. Milk is the original essence. And heavy cream is the wisdom that rises to the top of milk. So Cooty, to become a Guddhisattva, you must squat in a room full of kittens after squatting in a vessel of heavy cream.
COOTY
Great Guddha, we do not understand. Tell us how we may better follow in your path.
GUDDHA:
I can not show you my path because it has been years since I've seen my own feet. You must forge your own path. Become the Guddha... or don't. Either way, STOP SINGING THOSE SONGS!
UNCLE PLOW
The great Guddha is upset. Let us all sing to praise him. Come on everyone!
GUDDHA
Wait... NO... uh... you misunderstand... uh... hello...
The song starts as the Guddha plugs his ears in annoyance.
She's Not God Now Go Die
COOTY:
Modern Jews so awkwardly,
Hinder orgy mackerel.
Toe in sand moon all she known,
No lamb pursue oh so.
DRAGON LADY:
Shingle atom earlobe,
Not a wheedle waxy man,
Come too soon but often... gee,
No way how to do... no no.
COOTY:
She caught you so soft,
Not often night tingle root.
Yucky gin masseuse
DRAGON LADY:
Yucky gin masseuse
COOTY:
None hid your mighty okra lube.
DRAGON LADY:
No more shin double, They prove Macky they're also dead, No actor go "Um no no,"
COOTY:
To go oh no
DRAGON LADY:
They assume a nuke killed Joe.
COOTY:
I can feel... I can feel it...
Oh gee Ma
Enter Mother.
MOTHER:
Don't cry
DRAGON LADY:
Hot sheep,
Enter Plow.
UNCLE PLOW:
Hot sheep...
DRAGON LADY:
Guddha,
COOTY:
Guddha yeah
ALL:
Yeah yeah.
COOTY:
She's not God, Now go die,
DRAGON LADY:
Now my Nanny told Mama,
COOTY:
"Maroon,
MOTHER:
Maroon
DRAGON LADY:
Could she,
UNCLE PLOW:
Could she...
COOTY:
Not I,
DRAGON LADY:
All they do
ALL:
Kill their young."
MOTHER:
He said "Son, Go gas some, honky who knew now cut cheese."
UNCLE PLOW:
She caught you so soft,
Not often night tingle root.
Yucky gin masseuse
MOTHER:
Yucky gin masseuse
UNCLE PLOW:
None hid your mighty okra lube.
MOTHER:
No more shin double, They prove Macky they're also dead, No actor go "Um no no,"
UNCLE PLOW:
To go oh no
MOTHER:
They assume a nuke killed Joe.
UNCLE PLOW:
I can feel... I can feel it...
Oh gee Ma
DRAGON LADY:
Don't cry
MOTHER:
Hot sheep,
COOTY:
Hot sheep...
MOTHER:
Guddha,
UNCLE PLOW:
Guddha yeah
ALL:
Yeah yeah.
UNCLE PLOW:
She's not God, Now go die,
MOTHER:
Now my Nanny told Mama,
UNCLE PLOW:
"Maroon,
DRAGON LADY:
Maroon
MOTHER:
Could she,
COOTY:
Could she...
UNCLE PLOW:
Not I,
MOTHER:
All they do
ALL:
Kill their young."
DRAGON LADY:
He said "Son, Go gas some, honky who knew now cut cheese."
Enter Auntie Kim and Yu Oh Mhee.
AUNTIE KIM:
I learned a lesson, Said a Jew, "So long and Goya."
YU OH MHEE:
Kooky lewd dude also, No way how to do, And flat out vile.
AUNTIE KIM and YU OH MHEE:
Dashing shin don't come in, go out.
Enter rest of cast.
WHOLE CAST(2x):
Oh gee Ma
Don't cry
Hot sheep,
Hot sheep...
Guddha,
Guddha yeah
Yeah yeah.
She's not God, Now go die,
Now my Nanny told Mama,
"Maroon,
Maroon
Could she,
Could she...
Not I,
All they do
Kill their young."
He said "Son, Go gas some, honky who knew now cut cheese."
Curtain Call
Band plays an instrumental version of The Knee She Bites as cast bows.
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