Past Projects > Jerungdu > Script Archive > Dragon Fist Hidden Gerbil > DFHG (Part 2)
Dragon Fist Hidden Gerbil (Part 2)
By Michael Donahue and Robert Eichinger
Act 2 Scene 1: Just Outside the Village
Entire cast enters and exits dressed as villagers performing choreographed mundane repetitive chores. Cooty still hauls stones across the stage in relationship with the video Cooty.
VIDEO CUE 28:
Panoramic countryside with mountain in distance. (Same as previous scene). Cooty hauls stones up the mountain. Animation of temple being built as the sun rapidly sets and rises again indicating the passing of days.
The band plays the phonetic Asian pop song which is sung by ensemble members as they perform their choreographed mundane chores.
She Won't Dance on Her Arm
CHORUS:
Trim me your Waldo pipe and tell your man.
Her and me have shown completely your seagull.
What is yours shall soon see ya,
Ooh the chance and an allusion.
Put on the tree and bow and see a new hole.
See me near ya, see me wallow below.
Come from crazy now come from long.
We were young your sign won't know.
Just a bum me wore on between ya,
Ooh dreaming to eat on coal.
Be a Nietzsche poor she and me and
Things should award the hole.
Just a local yoke,
Ooh she won't go and dance on her arm.
She told me won't want to be in your hole.
VIDEO CUE 28 (continued):
The temple on the mountain top is finally finished as the song ends.
Cooty, Exhausted stumbles on the stage. Two old women enter with a large brown object that looks like a huge pile of crap.
OLD LADY 1
The whole village is destroyed by some second rate magician poof and now all I have to heat my home is a dried dingle berry that fell off Gorgonzola's ass.
OLD LADY 2
We should be grateful that this winter a beautiful dragon will be heating our homes.
OLD LADY 1
OUR homes? This is MY crap! Your family will freeze. This dingle berry crushed my rickshaw, BITCH!
OLD LADY 2
Who are you calling a bitch, you skanky midnight sailor repository!
OLD LADY 1
Wait! I see him! There is the evil fruit bastard who destroyed the village!
The two women break the dried dingle berry in half and charge Cooty with their brown maces.
OLD LADY 1 AND 2
ASS ASS IN... you killed my Uncle!
The old ladies beat Cooty with the giant turds. Plow enters.
UNCLE PLOW
Ladies, Ladies, there's no reason to fight. The dragon ate three other old bags just like you. The old meat made him very ill and he made four even bigger dingle berries just over that ridge. You will be warm for years. Why bother with such a pitiful wretch when you could be selling crap for a fortune in pearls! Goodbye ladies. Come back and beat him again at your earliest convenience. He's too weak to go far.
Ladies run enthusiastically off stage.
COOTY
Thank you, Uncle. Please be good enough to kill me.
VIDEO CUE 29:
A mist starts to lift and a second even higher peak than the one Cooty built the first temple on appears.
Uncle Plow sees the mountain, but Cooty doesn't.
UNCLE PLOW
With constant double vision I'm often twice as wrong as I think I am. Oh young Cooty, if I squint I can see an even higher peak!!
COOTY
No. It can't be. Uncle, you told me to build it on that one.
UNCLE PLOW
Hu Ta Chu just blesses temples on the very highest peak. What can I say? You must build a second temple.
COOTY
Only because this lifetime is already ruined I will follow your advice. Never having known happiness is an advantage. I am more willing to take on senseless tasks. What else is there to my pitiful existence?
UNCLE PLOW
That's the spirit! It's that peak way over there in the mist.
The band plays Stereotype Dandelion Reprise. This sequence is half as long as the previous temple building sequence and the tempo is more frantic. Cooty drags more stone across stage in relationship to video.
VIDEO CUE 30:
Panoramic view of two mountain tops. Animated Cooty hauls stones up second mountain until second temple is complete.
Cooty comes down from the mountain and back on stage, he is exhausted but proud.
VIDEO CUE 31:
The mist on the video lifts again to show a third, even taller mountain. A Sao Lin warrior then enters and sees Cooty as Cooty sees the third mountain top.
SAO LIN 1
ASS ASS IN... you killed my uncle!!
COOTY
(Falls to his knees)
NOOO!
Cooty Breaks down sobbing. Uncle Plow Enters.
SAO LIN 1
Master! Where have you been? We can not start the lessons without you.
Uncle Plow looks over his shoulder and gives the Sao Lin a hush symbol with a finger to his lips.
SAO LIN 1 (CONT'D)
Hu Ta Chu, I give you my undying service.
COOTY
Who?
SAO LIN 1
Master; come back to the temple! We don't know what to do next without you.
UNCLE PLOW
Nephew, please forgive me.
COOTY
You? You are the great Hu Ta Chu? I've become a walking corpse to meet my own fucking uncle! Why do the heavens conspire to wet my appetite and dampen my spirits?
UNCLE PLOW
Oh Cooty, must you entertain yourself with a pity party of one?
COOTY
Uncle, why have you disguised yourself as the town drunk all this time?
UNCLE PLOW
I was once a promising martial artist who allowed my skill to turn to arrogance. In my quest for fame I killed my own cousin in competition. I do not drink to forget but rather to remember my past arrogance. Becoming a lowly drunken fool was my commitment to a humble life. Sao Lin!
SAO LIN 1
Yes Master?
UNCLE PLOW
This unfortunate shit for brains nephew of mine is in deep dog doo. He had nine lifetimes of suffering to make up for his bad Parma and you have ruined everything! He has only one lifetime of suffering left and then he could gain enlightenment if he wanted. Cooty, I have failed you.
COOTY
Maybe I could build you another temple, Master.
UNCLE PLOW
With the hope that you now have in your heart? It's useless. Wait. I have just the thing! Sao Lin, you, hold him down while I beat him unconscious.
COOTY
Wait!
UNCLE PLOW
I must act before I think about it.
COOTY
Think about my cute voice when I was a child.
UNCLE PLOW
Shut up.
COOTY
Think about all the poker games that you cheated in to get my allowance to spend on your wine.
UNCLE PLOW
Here it comes, loved one.
Uncle Plow is poised to beat on Cooty.
COOTY
Stop! Won't you damage your own Parma by beating me up?
UNCLE PLOW
Good point. Just a second. I got it! I will only use LOVE to teach you with.
COOTY
Uncle... I mean Master, thank you! Your mercy is a river of kindness!
UNCLE PLOW
Sao Lin!
SAO LIN 1
Master!
UNCLE PLOW
Give me the marker!
(Uncle Plow grabs the Magic Marker from the Sao Lin and writes on his knuckles.)
El-Oh-Vee-Eee. Now, young Cooty, LOVE is about to beat you like a precocious slut with bad grammar in a nunnery.
COOTY
No! No!
Plow is poised to pound Cooty.
SOUND CUE 5:
Video game sounds chime in. A computerized voice says "METAPHYSICAL TRANSCENDENCE IS WORTH TWO HEART POINTS. HEART POINTS CAN BE TRADED FOR HANDGUNS AT THE WALLMART NEAR THE EVIL CASTLE. THE WALTER PPK IS WORTH FIFTEEN HEART POINTS."
VIDEO CUE 32: "CONGRATULATIONS" flashes on the video screen.
Blackout.
Act 2: Scene 2: Tung Lik Dong's House
Garden of Asian Mansion Ruins, day.
VIDEO CUE 33:
Loop of interior, Tung Lik Dong's living room in ruins from the storm.
Enter Tung Lik Dong and Auntie Kim.
AUNTIE KIM
I bought you these sandals to cheer you up.
TUNG LIK DONG
That damn hailstorm killed all our crops. Our wealth was our land.
AUNTIE KIM
It's ironic that we're reaping what we've sown by not being able to reap what we've sown. Anyway, I bought you this lute so you could forget my bad spending. Please don't play anything sad because my new dress is so happy.
TUNG LIK DONG
You must return everything! We are poor now and so we must tighten our belts. We still have to pay for thirty funerals! Everyone we know is dead!
AUNTIE KIM
That reminds me. I need to go buy a black dress. Bye.
TUNG LIK DONG
Hold it! You must return everything. Listen closely to my mouth as it speaks to you. We are poor.
AUNTIE KIM
I can't return anything because it was all gifts from the man with the sword.
TUNG LIK DONG
Sword?
AUNTIE KIM
Yes. Is our farm really destroyed?
TUNG LIK DONG
Didn't you just walk through acres of melting hailstones? Didn't you smell the rot? After all these years do you really have no idea that we grow things for a living?
AUNTIE KIM
Well, I'm off to town to trade in our farm implements for the things I have on lay away. If you see a man with a new sword give him your full attention. He said that we must pay one hundred percent interest to his principles. Bye.
TUNG LIK DONG
Hey wait!
Auntie Kim exits.
TUNG LIK DONG (CONT'D)
I have to pack.
SOUND CUE 6:
Knock at the door.
Tung Lik Dong runs towards the back of the stage. voice of YU OH MHEE is heard from off stage.
YU OH MHEE
Tung Lik Dong, my horse is leaning against your back door and my bowmen aim at your windows. I'm coming in.
Enter a huge man, Yu Oh Mhee, with a shiny new sword.
YU OH MHEE (CONT'D)
I like your wife. Sell her to me and I'll settle for half your debt.
TUNG LIK DONG
She's yours. How much does she owe?
YU OH MHEE
What kind of remark is that? SHE owes? Is that what you think of your own wife? It is YOUR debt to pay. She's too pretty to have her limbs cut off by usurers.
TUNG LIK DONG
Loan sharks?
YU OH MHEE
It's a good business. Look at my new sword! It has a silver hilt and an emerald. I figure it this way. A finger is worth a piece of silver, a limb is worth a piece of gold, and your neck can be kept in tact for a hundred pieces of gold. It's a one-day payment plan. You give me everything you have in this world and buy back the rest of your debt in flesh.
TUNG LIK DONG
You can have one fourth of my land.
YU OH MHEE
My pockets are too small for land. I travel light. How much do you have in gold?
TUNG LIK DONG
Uh... nothing. How much do I owe?
YU OH MHEE
Five thousand and thirty four pieces of gold.
TUNG LIK DONG
That's not good.
YU OH MHEE
Hold him!
Henchmen file in and hold down Tung Lik Dong.
YU OH MHEE (CONT'D)
Small debts first.
A vicious fight breaks out. Eventually the Henchmen win and hold down Tung Lik Dong.
VIDEO CUE 34:
Flashing lights inter cut with cartoon text that says "POW", "BOF" "CRASH" etc.
TUNG LIK DONG
No! No! I have many schemes to help you! I will live as your slave! No! No! Please!!!
(Tung Lik Dong loses his finger)
Ahhhhhhhhh!
YU OH MHEE
The first one hurts the most. After I cut your throat, it will get easier.
Tung Lik Dong screams in pain as Yu Oh Mhee kills him with his sword. Tung Lik Dong lies dead center stage.
VIDEO CUE 35:
Loop of interior, Tung Lik Dong's living room in ruins.
Auntie Kim enters with shopping bags wearing a mink stole.
AUNTIE KIM
Honey, I got some presents for...
Kim trips over the dead body as shopping bags go flying.
AUNTIE KIM (CONT'D)
OH NOOO!! My love, you can't leave me alone!! Oh merciful Guddha please bring him back. It is the curse of my sister in law come to pass.
YU OH MHEE approaches with his sword drawn.
YU OH MHEE
You are now my property.
AUNTIE KIM
You can't take me away from my home.
YU OH MHEE
Yes, I can.
AUNTIE KIM
I will bury my husband and then tend to his spirit in a shrine for the rest of my life.
YU OH MHEE
That won't make me any money. How about dressing sexy and whistling at sailors?
AUNTIE KIM
I won't. I won't. You can't make me.
YU OH MHEE
I will break off your limbs and bust out your teeth so you whistle when you breathe. Charge half price. Good deal for me. I will get right on it.
AUNTIE KIM
WAIT! That won't be needed. I'm good at swallowing the hard truths of life. Let me spit out my gum. When you wake up from your sex nap we'll go shopping.
YU OH MHEE
Deal.
AUNTIE KIM
What is your name?
YU OH MHEE
The tattoo on your thigh shall say "Property of Yu Oh Mhee. Please come again."
Act 2 Scene 3: Interior, Sao Lin Temple, Day
VIDEO CUE 35 1/2:
Loop of interior showing Sao Lin temple. It is sparse and peaceful.
Uncle Plow enters as Cooty is reading a book.
UNCLE PLOW
Student! Stop your reading and come here!
COOTY
Master!
UNCLE PLOW
You have climbed the ladder of knowledge and now you must jump off into the sky of enlightenment.
COOTY
Crazy talk really doesn't help me, Uncle.
UNCLE PLOW
I've taught you everything I know. It is time for you to seek your own cave and meditate on nothing until you gain the understanding that everything is an illusion.
COOTY
But Master! I fear that you and the Dragon Lady will destroy your selves with constant battle. If either of you win I will be sad because I love you both. If neither win than you will both run out of students through constant fighting.
UNCLE PLOW
Maybe so. But you still must leave.
COOTY
I am good for nothing and I think about nothing all day long. Perhaps I am already enlightened.
UNCLE PLOW
Thinking about nothing and meditating on nothingness are two different things.
COOTY
Teacher! How can I disbelieve a world that has taught me everything I know?
UNCLE PLOW
One last thing before you go. Self-discipline is one of the foundations of meditation. Your path to self-discipline will be through martial arts.
COOTY
I suck at Kung Fu!
UNCLE PLOW
Exactly. You must copy the ways of an animal to learn the style that most fits you. I believe that the only way you can reach enlightenment is through Gerbil style!
COOTY
Gerbil style? Uncle... please!
UNCLE PLOW
That night in the graveyard you struggled with your inner self in order to learn the frenetic ways of the gerbil. Now you must perfect it. It is the key to your self-transformation.
COOTY
No way! If I have to spend endless days in a cold mountain cave, alone, jumping around like a gerbil, I will hate myself. Nothing you are saying can be true.
UNCLE PLOW
Surely you will find a feral creature in the mountains to teach you. The next time I see you, Cooty, you will be enlightened.
COOTY
But... Uncle... Master...
UNCLE PLOW
Sao Lin! Kick him out!
Exit Uncle Plow. A fight breaks out. At first Cooty holds his own but is eventually subdued. The Sao Lin throw Cooty in a wheelbarrow and wheels him off.
VIDEO CUE 36:
Flashing lights inter cut with cartoon text that says "POW", "BOF" "CRASH" etc.
Act 2 Scene 4: Village Marketplace, Day
VIDEO CUE 37:
Loop of Asian Marketplace. Day.
Yu Oh Mhee and Auntie Kim walk through the market place of the village.
AUNTIE KIM
Maybe your business would be better if...
YU OH MHEE
I don't take criticism from whore brides.
AUNTIE KIM
Bride?
YU OH MHEE
Whore bride.
AUNTIE KIM
I want a huge wedding.
YU OH MHEE
Actually it's more like a drunken hazing in front of my henchmen.
AUNTIE KIM
Can we have them dress up?
YU OH MHEE
Whatever.
AUNTIE KIM
A bride. I am a beautiful bride and you are much more handsome than my last husband.
YU OH MHEE
Actually it's more like plain old whore. The bride part is sarcasm.
AUNTIE KIM
Perhaps your business would be better if...
YU OH MHEE
Business is fine. Patience is waning.
Music starts as sailors, whores, and henchmen come out. Yu Oh Mhee sings.
VIDEO CUE 38:
Music video montage of a mail order bride web site offering many skanky whore brides for sale.
My Eighty Whore Brides
YU OH MHEE:
Think about dating
Think about your pocket
All dinners you'll be paying
To plug an old socket
Why settle for waiting
With fuel in your rocket
My eighty whore brides
Let's make a deal
My eighty whore brides
Wet dreams come real
My eighty whore brides
Let's make a deal
My eighty whore brides
Come cop a feel
My pussies purr-form
With tales like silk
They'll paw your thorn
And lap up your milk
Not trained but born
To satisfy your ilk
My eighty whore brides
And your runaway daughter
My eighty whore brides
Like lambs to the slaughter
My eighty whore brides
Let's make a deal
My eighty whore brides
Just tell her to kneel
Act 2 Scene 5: Interior, a dark cave
VIDEO CUE: 39
Loop of the interior of a cave. Candlelit and mysterious.
SOUND CUE 11:
The sound of the cold wind blowing is heard in the background.
Cooty is dressed in a loincloth practicing gerbil style with the puppet gerbil.
Feral Colon Death Scratch Part 2
COOTY & GERBIL:
Nibble nibble shake dig.
Claw twist, squirm run.
(X4)
Everyone shall fear the wrath,
Of my feral colon death scratch
Cooty sits down next to the puppet.
COOTY
Time to rest. Well my furry friend, things aren't looking so bad. The spine meditation is keeping me almost warm. I can now have divine compassion for my backpack because my stomach is just as empty as it is. Suffering has been to my advantage because it cleared my Parmic debt but now I will die of hunger before my enlightenment. Wait... what's this?
Cooty walks towards the mouth of the cave. He sees a bunch of prop nettles.
COOTY (CONT'D)
Nettles... It doesn't look tasty... but edible.
He touches the leaves.
COOTY (CONT'D)
OUCH...
(Scratches his hand)
That itches. Well if I'm going to eat these nettles I'll have to boil the sting out of them.
(Pulls a pot from the backpack.)
Yes my furry friend, if I can start a fire we'll be eating well soon enough.
Gerbil starts to creep away in fear.
COOTY (CONT'D)
NO NO NO... I won't eat YOU. You're my teacher. You have shown me the way furry one. (reflective pause) There was a oneness... that was lost... the cold uncomfotableness of the ectoplasmic wet spot repulsed our nothingness into a separation... a false existence where the truth was repressed. What is your yang? But a weakness that can be dismembered. What is your yin? But a hole to be dishonored. Beyond these things is the mystery. The mythos. The Gerbil. What exists in the regresses of nothingness? Beyond your genital identity is the truth of oneness... the sacred fur in the common hole. One must lubricate the mind to penetrate the deepest recesses and release the inner gerbil. I now understand that my feelings of longing for other men is a truth about myself. You little creature helped me to see this truth. You and that Gladiator movie.
He brushes a nettle leaf across his arm.
COOTY (CONT'D)
The cold has not dulled the sensation in my skin. It still itches. Wait...
He whips his back with the nettle leaf and moans in ecstasy.
COOTY (CONT'D)
That's it...
He does it again.
COOTY (CONT'D)
Yes... yes... now I understand... finally, the breakthrough I've been waiting for.
He stands up and whips himself again. He then puts on his robe.
COOTY (CONT'D)
Uncle... Dragon Lady... I must return from the mountain to tell my masters of my enlightenment before they kill one another.
Three thieves walk into the cave.
THIEF
I heard rumors that there was a temple in this cave. Give us food while we negotiate how much you will pay us for your life!
COOTY
Why would you say such a thing? I am in a great hurry so let me by and take anything you want.
THIEF
Hold it a minute. We're not done with you yet. I walked ten miles up a mountain to rob a temple and now I'm going to have some fun. (The Thief lifts Cooty's robe) What the Hell? The little bitch has a carrot down there! Nothing to rob and nothing to fuck, what's an evil bastard like me to do?
COOTY
Be careful. Robbery has a cost to your Parma. On top of that you are not simply robbing me for survival. I am a simple priest whose great desire is to be on my way.
THIEF
There's nothing to eat here but I'm still going to squash a fruit! You need to be enlightened in more than just your loafers, priest.
COOTY
Words have a certain value to the education of those seeking the way. On the road to enlightenment there is a crossroads where words fail. Beside the crossroads is a stream that is fed by a furry barrel of whoop ass! (Assumes the Gerbil Kung Fu stance) Warning, your nibble wounds may never heal!
Band plays as Cooty kicks the three Thieves' butts using Gerbil Style. Cooty exits.
VIDEO CUE 40:
Flashing lights inter cut with cartoon text that says "POW", "BOF" "CRASH" etc.
THIEF
Who was that feral colon man?
Thief falls unconscious.