Past Projects > Jerungdu > Script Archive > Dragon Fist Hidden Gerbil
Dragon Fist Hidden Gerbil
By Michael Donahue and Robert Eichinger
Act 1 Scene 1: Cooty's Bedroom
On a dark stage a teenage boy, Cooty, sits on the floor, wrapped in a blanket, illuminated in a pool of dim blue light. His agile hands operate the controller to a video game as his eyes focus intently on an imaginary television screen. The Mother's voice is heard from off stage.
SOUND CUE 1:
Video Game noises.
MOTHER (Off stage)
Do I hear the television on up there? You're supposed to be in bed.
COOTY
I'm not done yet, Mom. I still have half my power rods.
MOTHER (Off stage)
You have a big day tomorrow.
COOTY
But Mom...
MOTHER (Off stage)
But nothing. Your chorus recital is tomorrow and I want you to get some sleep!
COOTY
One more level!
MOTHER (Off stage)
You heard me... in bed NOW!
Cooty continues to play in a video-induced trance. The back wall of the stage is a screen on which video is projected.
VIDEO CUE 1:
An animated Dragon Fist, Hidden Gerbil game logo icon is seen, then a menu of game characters appears. Uncle Plow, Dragon Lady, Tung Lik Dong, Auntie Kim, Yu Oh Mhee, and Cooty. The Cooty character is selected. The game transitions to show Cooty character seated against a black background. He stands up.
On the stage, the actor Cooty stands up. He leaves his video game controller on the ground. His blanket drops to the floor. He is wearing the same costume as the Cooty in the video. The video Cooty and the real Cooty perform some identical movement in synchronicity. Both Cootys cross to the edge of the video frame. The video Cooty exits while the real Cooty turns around to return to center stage. The black background changes to an exterior garden of an Asian mansion as the lights come up on the stage. The set consists of sparse rocks and shrubberies.
Act One Scene 1 and 1/2: Exterior Garden of Asian Mansion
Enter servants carrying trays of fruit, party decorations and a large banner which reads "Welcome Home Chow Mai Pai". A maid picks up Cooty's blanket and video controller. Servants bring in two chairs. Enter a drunken Uncle Plow with a jug of wine. He stumbles across stage and collapses into a chair. Enter Mother who crosses over to Cooty.
COOTY
Mother, when you taught me to make my diaphragm hard as iron, I thought that it would improve my laughing style Kung Fu. But the only belt I have to show for two years of work is the belting of show tunes.
MOTHER
One more time from the top... one, two, three...
COOTY
I can sing like a canary but can not harm a dove. When Father went off to war, he left me a daily regimen of fighting technique. He will return tomorrow and kick my warbling ass.
MOTHER
Yes. You must learn your Father's favorite song from your Uncle Plow. Tomorrow your father returns and we will throw a huge party! Your song will make him forgive you.
COOTY
But mother, these words don't even make sense!
UNCLE PLOW (Drunk)
Your father loves the lessons of Guddha, the enlightened sage of cheesy musicals. Think of the song as the Guddha's stand up routine. The punch line is the world, which is nothing but an illusion. The words are phonetic translations are are not intended to make sense. To make sense is but a backward step to disbelieving this dream we call reality.
COOTY
Please train me to fight! Father said you were once a great martial artist. All the kids at school say I'm master of limp wrist technique and brown belt of sissy-fu!!!
UNCLE PLOW (Slurs)
Young Cooty...
COOTY
Please teach me to fight! Train me, Uncle. Before tomorrow!
MOTHER
It is too late for you to be strong. Be pretty instead and maybe your father will have pity on you as if you were a girl.
UNCLE PLOW
I almost sobered up on my long walk. I cannot think of a better complement to cheese than wine. I will tip your jug as payment for my efforts.
COOTY
Mother... Uncle Plow...
UNCLE PLOW
Cooty, those scrolls are sacred. Sing them with conviction!
COOTY
But...
MOTHER
ENOUGH! SING NOW! From the top... a one two three...
VIDEO CUE 2:
Music Video of Cooty as child, home movie style for "Only You" song. Cooty is seen as a baby as the Mother puts a bow in his hair. Another boy pushes him down, he cries. etc.
Music starts and Cooty sings. Cooty's mother forces the servants who have been decorating for the party to sing backup and dance like extras in a big Broadway show. NOTE: All nonsense songs in this show are lifted from actual Asian pop tunes. The lyrics have been translated "phonetically" and sung in "nonsense" English.
Only You
COOTY:
Only you, can you sing the song "Soy"?
Take from him, you do the things to boys.
Then they stop and complain wiping at your heart,
You don't know why they cry passing by.
Only you, do you see this guy dumb? Yeah.
We know you, my angel upside down.
Pray for him on a Monday in June,
Ancient passing you may just be fine.
And then the Gin-Ginger sign points us all into the point,
See the height, height of him planning your Jew-jealous fate.
Think of longing amour, would be back if not by dark,
The ring brings a lonely ahoy.
SOUND CUE 2:
Song ends as the sound of marching is heard from the distance.
VIDEO CUE 3:
Video returns to the same loop used as the exterior garden of an Asian mansion.
COOTY
Do you hear it?
MOTHER
The sound of marching.
COOTY
The drums of war! The solders are returning today! Father! Father!
MOTHER
Calm down young one, he will be here soon enough.
Soldier enters.
SOLDIER
Mrs. Chow, This letter is for you. I am sorry to be the one who must tell you of your husband's death, yet proud to tell you of his bravery. Chow Mai Pai was running from the heat of battle when an arrow pierced the back of his head. He collapsed and was trampled by the emperor's horse. His body was then lit on fire and catapulted at the enemy. It turned the course of battle. Chow Mai Pai will forever be remembered as a great hero.
MOTHER
Oh my... no...
Exit Servants.
SOUND CUE 3:
Mother reads the letter as the husband's voice is piped in.
CHOW MAI PAI (Pre-recorded)
This letter comes to you my beloved in the event that my body dies and my soul must wait to return. I leave my home and hearth to the ones that warmed my heart while I was away. Tell Cooty that he is the man of the house. I leave everything to you my love. I will wait for you in the pasture of the Guddha. You're loving husband, Chow Chow.
Mother and Cooty embrace sobbing.
Act 1 Scene 2: Funeral, Garden of Asian Mansion, Rainy
SOUND CUE 2:
Sound of rain and low rumbling thunder.
VIDEO CUE 4:
Video loop of same garden of Asian mansion decorated for a funeral on a dark rainy day.
Enter whole cast dressed for a funeral with black umbrellas. A large urn containing Chow Mai Pai's ashes is carried in on an elaborate pedestal.
PRIEST (Sung as multiphonic drone)
We have gathered to express sadness in the passing of the great Chow Mai Pai, a devoted husband and father and a brave warrior who gave his life defending the honor of his people. Even though we weep in sadness we can take comfort that he is one incarnation closer to reaching Velveeta, the enchanted paradise of finely aged cheese. Does any one here wish to praise the honorable Chow Mai Pai?
COOTY
My heart burns with sorrow but cannot be quenched by my tears.
UNCLE PLOW (Drunk)
No speeches from you, Nephew... just songs.
The others try to shut Plow up.
COOTY
There is a God of loneliness that lives in the dead inner rings of old trees. He thinks about the past and never feels the pulsing life of green leaves. This God haunts me. My inner being is fossilized by my dwelling on the past and the happy moments of my youth being chastised by father as I clumsily made a mockery of his Kung Fu teachings.
UNCLE PLOW
Nonsense! Your father is one step closer to enlightenment. We need to remind his soul of its good deeds so that in his next life he does not forget to listen to the teachings of the Guddha. You and I should sing that tune that amused him so much when you were young and I was sober! Here is a straw hat and cane. Your father and I did this number for a school talent show before you were born.
COOTY
I've given up show business for Kung Fu, Uncle!
UNCLE PLOW
This request is not for YOU! It is for your father! This is a ceremony to honor him. Stop being so selfish! Sing with me to further guide your father on his path to Velveeta.
COOTY
But...
MOTHER (Grabbing his ear.)
Sing like an angel or join them, my little flower!
COOTY
Huh?
MOTHER
Sing dammit sing!!
COOTY
Mother... Please...
Crowd yells in encouragement.
COOTY
Alright, I'll sing! I'll sing already!
VIDEO CUE 5:
Music Video for Some Trees Eat You. The sun comes out. Heavenly rays of light shine down on the garden. Abstract imagery and animation depicting Chow Chow's spirit ascending to a glowing box of Velveeta.
Plow and Cooty do a song and dance routine to the delight of the crowd.
Some Trees Eat You
COOTY:
"Shoe shine gauge on my jelly uncle."
Means you can pump down wool,
Or chew a layer tranquilly.
You married gin... go on.
UNCLE PLOW:
Too young to chew my blue attack dog.
Jew evening shan't occur.
Torture is jam inside your cheek.
Some trees eat you... he could.
BOTH:
What candy, a canyon,
And twice his Mama won't wash shorts.
A rancid, try he could, try yet,
Enjoy your wood.
COOTY:
She's full of hymens and tin men.
She ate a book and swore,
UNCLE PLOW:
"He holds words within cow meat,
He eats warm cow worms."
VIDEO CUE 6:
Video loop of garden of Asian mansion decorated for funeral. No longer raining.
PRIEST (Sung as multiphonic drone)
Thank you Plow and Cooty. Does anyone else have something to contribute? Yes... Tung Lik Dong, feel free to speak.
TUNG LIK DONG
Brother in Law Plow, you do your brother a great service with your worshipful song. Nephew Cooty, your gay chirping makes my cats hungry. When I closed my eyes, I could picture a beautiful little girl weeping in a garden. I will buy you clogs and a fan for your next birthday. Sister in Law, what will you do for a man of the house now that you only have a girl?
MOTHER
Watch what you say about the son of a warrior. My husband's spirit has not gone far.
AUNTIE KIM
My brother was always far away from home and your son is far away from his example. Cooty has your skin and hair. What a lovely little half-man you have raised. You must get your weaving and laundry done in half the time.
MOTHER
Thank you for honoring my husband with your presence. However your outbursts may hinder his journey and so I respectfully ask that you leave my estate.
TUNG LIK DONG
YOUR estate? I have a deed with thousands left to pay. Your next payment is past due. Chow Mai Pai was to give it to me yesterday. In fact the money for this fine funeral was to pay the balance. You have nothing.
AUNTIE KIM
You ARE nothing.
MOTHER
My husband's chamber pot had more value deposited in it every day than either of your deeds will add up to in a lifetime. He sweated thicker stuff than your blood! He...
TUNG LIK DONG
HE... is dead. Get off my land! Out of respect for my brother in law I will not charge a late fee. Let's end this celebration and start a new one in its place. We will drink to having a smaller and more worth while family, and then have another drink to celebrate a new branch to the family tree. The honorable Wang Hung Lo will marry my daughter, Sucky Nomo on the lawn in front of this grand estate. After the marriage my present to the newly weds will be THIS estate. May this new branch be as stiff and unyielding as my little branch that created my daughter in the first place.
All the family laughs.
MOTHER
A curse on all those who see these lies as truth! A curse on the black hearts of two whom benefited from my husband's heroism! A curse on the branch that will root itself here over my dead body!
TUNG LIK DONG
Excellent fertilizer for new growth. I will not be insulted in my house! Get out.
Tung Lik Dong beats up Mother and Auntie Kim beats up Cooty to the delight of the fickle crowd. The band performs cheap combat noises often heard in old school Kung Fu films to the choreography. Cooty and Mother are tossed to the other side of the stage. Exit whole cast except Mother and Cooty.
Act 1 Scene 3 : The Street
VIDEO CUE 6 1/2:
A dark lonely street, night.
Lights fade to a single spot, stage left, as if they are under a street lamp. A suitcase and clothing are thrown at them and Cooty begins to pack.
COOTY
Mother, what will we do for money?
MOTHER
I don't know.
COOTY
Where will we live?
MOTHER
I don't know.
COOTY
That was everyone we know.
Mother picks up a scrap of newspaper lying on the floor and starts reading it.
MOTHER
Silence! I have a headache and I have to think. I've got it. Our future is set. All has been made simple, young one. We will calmly set our selves to the task of revenge.
COOTY
First things first, Mother. Let's get jobs so that we can sleep comfortably and eat something warm.
MOTHER
While our enemies live, Cooty, our bellies will be tight and food will seem like a nuisance. If we found a place to live it would also be an easy place to find us once our revenge has been sought. Jobs would take up too much time.
COOTY
Let's follow the middle road.
MOTHER
The middle road set down by the Guddha will not make our enemies writhe in pain and humiliation.
COOTY
No, the middle road leads to a cheap noodle joint about a mile down.
MOTHER
I have sadness in my heart that I can not live with. My husband is dead. My brother in law has taken everything from me and humiliated me in front of everyone in the village. I've been tossed out of my home and my own son could not save me.
COOTY
What do you want me to do about it?
MOTHER
There is a sorceress with evil powers that can help us. Yes, the Dragon Lady will teach you the techniques of revenge and you will avenge me. You will avenge your father! You will be a man!
COOTY
One problem, Mother, the Dragon Lady of whom you speak is the sacred leader of a band of women.
MOTHER
Yes, her Lesbian Ninjas really kick ass! She knows great spells with terrible power.
COOTY
She doesn't teach men.
MOTHER
With her Kung Ling Fu you will rip their throat flesh like plucking flowers in a garden.
COOTY
Mother?
MOTHER (Points at newspaper.)
We have only our clothes and few coins but with this coupon for the Saturday evil magic class in the paper we should have just enough.
COOTY
Mother! She doesn't teach men!
MOTHER
What man? You don't even smell like a man. You don't walk like a man. Before this haircut, strangers often thought...
COOTY
No! She will catch me and then wear my manhood as earrings. Please Mother.
MOTHER
Yes, you will please your Mother. I can not live with this much hate in my heart. If you don't get revenge for me soon, I will perish from a broken heart or by my own hand!
COOTY
Don't talk like that! Why don't you get your own revenge?
MOTHER
What did you say? I brought you into a beautiful world full of love and spiritual fulfillment. You dare tell me that my own son will not defend his name?
COOTY
You raised me to be pretty. To raise my soprano voice in song! To care for my delicate skin. I am not a warrior.
MOTHER
You will use your high girlish voice and feminine skin to learn how to punch like a woman! You will learn Kung Ling Fu and like it, Cooty. Take this dress, wear my hair comb, paint your lips, then squeeze your budding package into these panties, and run to your destiny!
COOTY
I won't even be able to walk! My jewels need a bigger case!
MOTHER
Maybe if you had a larger carrot those jewels would deserve a bigger case!
Act 1 Scene 4: The Graveyard, Night
VIDEO CUE 7:
Night time panoramic countryside with mountain in distance. Full moon or starry sky. Text & graphic show that video game is loading.
(Cooty needs enough time to get into a dress.) Meanwhile, Uncle Plow stumbles into the graveyard with a gourd of wine. He takes one big swig and falls on his ass. Plow takes another swig. Two tombstones read: "Dhai Tu Yong RIP" and "Worm Chu Mhee RIP." A small shrine holds the urn of Chow Mai Pai. Uncle Plow passes out as Cooty enters in a school girl dress. He walks over to one of the stones and falls to his knees unbeknownst to the fact that his Uncle Plow is sleeping against one of the other stones.
COOTY
Father, I hope that you can hear my voice but pray you can't see me. I will soon leave on a quest for bloody revenge. You have said that if a boy doesn't grow to be a warrior, he might as well be a girl. You have both your wishes, Father. I am cursed. Please, give me a sign. Show me another way. Any way but this one. The tiger was your teacher. Man and beast alike feared your Tiger style Kung Fu. Please Father, send me a creature with large teeth and warm fur that can teach me a style more manly than Kung Ling Fu...
Rustling is heard in the distance.
COOTY (CONT'D)
What is that stirring in the bushes? Thank you, Father, thank you!
A puppet gerbil enters.
COOTY (CONT'D)
Oh crap. A gerbil. Furry creature, you symbolize the worst for me. All my damn life, kids make fun of me. They say that I'm light in the sandals. When I bend to tie my laces they say, is there a gerbil in there? And does your gerbil have scuba gear? Their words are hateful. Wait a second! Maybe that's why you're here. If I learn to love the thing that symbolizes hatred I can be free. With my free heart I will excel at Kung Fu and won't have to wear this dress. Thank you, Father. Go ahead you furry fury and show me your deathly claws. Mother's enemies will tremble under your digging nails!
Cooty mimics the puppet's movements as the music starts. Uncle Plow starts to wake. He witnesses Cooty's private moments with the gerbil.
VIDEO CUE 8:
Music video for Feral Colon Death Scratch. 70's psychedelic imagery.
Feral Colon Death Scratch
COOTY & GERBIL: (with choreography.)
Nibble nibble shake dig.
Claw twist, squirm run.
(X4)
Everyone shall fear the wrath,
Of my feral colon death scratch
Band plays a "Wipe Out" solo as Cooty and the puppet gerbil trade off ridiculous kung fu moves resembling the peppermint twist.
Nibble nibble shake dig.
Claw twist, squirm run.
(X4)
Everyone shall fear the wrath,
Of my feral colon death scratch
Uncle Plow laughs and Cooty is mortified to discover his encounter with the Gerbil was witnessed by Uncle Plow.
SOUND CUE 3:
A computerized voice says, "You're power rod is exhausted. You can not continue without a full rod. Please push the pink start button to continue game with rod at full strength."
VIDEO CUE 9:
Night time panoramic countryside with mountain in distance. Graphic of empty power rod appears. Text warning "Power rod exhausted", Pink button appears, is highlighted, then the game transitions back to panoramic countryside with mountain in distance loop.
UNCLE PLOW (Laughing)
Mental problems run in your family, young one. It is sad. What have you been drinking? It is much stronger than wine. Do you have any to share?
COOTY
Uncle, I am simply learning how to love myself.
UNCLE PLOW
It appears as though you need much practice. One who truly loves himself takes great pride in his appearance. As anyone could see, your shoes do not coordinate with your purse. (Laughs)
COOTY
No one will laugh after tomorrow when I join the Lesbian Ninjas and learn the Dragon Lady's evil magic.
UNCLE PLOW
Young one, if no one is to laugh, I suggest taking a sharp razor to your fuzzy legs. Two reminders; first, your journey is to release your soul from this world through the path that leads to enlightenment and second, enough wine will let you see the beauty of the world with double vision. Really Cooty, are evil magic, revenge, and lies the easiest way to free your spirit?
Cooty storms off in a huff as Uncle Plow passes out.
Act 1 Scene 5: Dragon Lady's Temple
VIDEO CUE 10:
Loop of interior, opulent sex goddess temple, day.
Cooty stands amongst a group of hopeful housewives who want to have Dragon Lady teach them deadly Kung Ling Fu.
HOUSEWIFE 1
All bow to the glory of the Dragon Lady!
The Dragon Lady enters and does a fire breathing trick.
DRAGON LADY
The Lesbian Ninjas are the world's most feared warriors for three days out of each month. If any of you feeble housewives ever hope to become a Lesbian Ninja, you must not only study and train hard but you must also align your cycle with the rest of my warriors... becoming a part of the collective flow.
Dragon Lady pulls Nun Chucks made from bloody tampons from between her legs and twirls them.
HOUSEWIFE 2
She is a very inspirational teacher.
DRAGON LADY (Disinterested monotone.)
Welcome to the final exams of the junior dragon flies correspondence school of black hearted evil sorcery for beginners. All those who pass will receive a pink belt, the course materials for the brown belt, and a certificate signed by my assistant who almost writes just like me.
COOTY
Excuse me.
DRAGON LADY (Does the fire trick again.)
Never interrupt the sacred breathings of fire from the furnace lungs of the Dragon Lady! What if I forget something holy? Questions later. Line up and follow my movements. This is all from the third chapter of the text. Assume the pear shaped hips stance.
Dragon Lady leads the housewives in ridiculous choreography.
DRAGON LADY (CONT'D)
Start with the wagging of the tongue. The blossoming of the flower, the hardening of the hidden stem, the moistening of the pedals. This next one is not in the book but works very well with the other moves of Kung Ling Fu... the man-hating stare! Furrow your brows. Imagine a stinky, sweaty, lazy ball boy asking you for clean socks. Bring to your mind a carrot jockey wanting sexual favors from you after staring too long at your under-aged cousin. Really bring that hate into your mind. Stab it out your eyes and into the soft belly of a weak and hairy sperm factory. Stab! Stab! Stab! You!
COOTY
Stab?
DRAGON LADY
From your diaphragm. Again!
COOTY
Stab?
DRAGON LADY (Like a drill sergeant)
Don't you dislike a selfish lover with his snorting snout buried in your neck thrusting his ignorance into your glorious cavern? Yell! Scream! STAB!
COOTY
Stab!
DRAGON LADY
More!
COOTY
STAB! STAB! STAB!
DRAGON LADY
Let's all follow her example. Everyone all at once!
EVERYONE
STAB! STAB! STAB!
DRAGON LADY
You all passed. Please pick up your belts and pay for the next class on your way out.
Housewives exit.
COOTY
Excuse me. Excuse me please. I have a dire need of deadly revenge and your glaring attack although spiritually refreshing is not going to kill my evil Aunt and Uncle.
DRAGON LADY
Please pick up the advanced packet at the booth near the door and pay on your way out.
Cooty falls to his knees.
COOTY
After the death of my father we were thrown off our land and left to fend for ourselves on the streets. My mother says that she will take her own life out of grief, that she can't continue her journey unavenged.
DRAGON LADY
I don't work for pity or for my student's mother's mental problems. Go home and tell her to knife them and run like hell. Hold it a second. I just got a flash. I am looking to add to my army of independently thinking, hairy legged, good with power tools, motor oil smelling warrior queens. We need numbers to destroy Hu Ta Chu's repressed Sao Lin zealots. Do you think you could stand the intense training?
MOTIVATION NOTE: Cooty is conflicted. He is attracted to Dragon Lady yet is afraid of what she will do to him if she discovers he is a man. Cooty's response to Dragon Lady's advances should be played as part receptive, part evasive, part nervous.
COOTY
Yes, Dragon Lady. Yes, Master!
DRAGON LADY
Not all my little tin soldiers were recruited for their ability to fight. Members of the lipstick platoon are just around for eye candy. A few lucky ladies are taught Dragon style Kung Ling Fu while others are lead into the rose lubricated cave of evil sex magic.
COOTY
Teach me, Master! I want to know more of this Dragon style.
DRAGON LADY
The beauty of Dragon technique is that men can not effectively fight in this style... giving us a great advantage.
COOTY
Oh... uh... great.
DRAGON LADY
It uses the round and powerful hip joint as its foundation. The limber lower extremities are utilized for sweeping kicks and low stances. A man's balls are twisted into knots after three or four moves.
COOTY
Can we skip to the magic? I have a lower back pain.
DRAGON LADY
No! It will do wonders for a woman's back. The magic I will teach you is either a hailstorm or to summon a dragon. Maybe you need both.
COOTY
The magic please, Master.
DRAGON LADY
Dragon Style first. Spread your legs. Further. Now flex the birthing muscles as you bend backwards. Twist your hips. Thrust into a double back bend.
Cooty falls over. Dragon Lady smiles and flirts with him until he stands up and smiles back at her. Then she slaps him on the ass.
DRAGON LADY (CONT'D)
Strict discipline is not only needed to perfect Kung Ling Fu but it's also kind of sexy, don't you think?
COOTY
Yes, Master.
DRAGON LADY
Roll your hips back and forth like you're listening to a sultry song. Lick your lips to show your enemy that you are thirsty for blood. Wink an eye to establish that watchfulness is not necessary for your victory. Do the little six guns from the hip thing that strippers do. Unbutton your dress.
COOTY
What does this have to do with Martial arts?
DRAGON LADY
Oh, Sorry, I was distracted. Lesbian Ninjas! Come and teach this new recruit our fighting song!
Ninjas file in as music starts.
COOTY
SINGING... now that's something I CAN do.
DRAGON LADY
You will sing when I tell you to. For now, you LISTEN!
VIDEO CUE 11:
Music video for Woman with the Kung Ling Fu Sensual closeups of dew moistened lotus and orchid flowers
Woman with the Kung Ling Fu
DRAGON LADY:
If you're lonely and backed up
You're Kung Fu won't stack up
You can't take a punch to the chin.
When you Kung Ling the master
Your Kung Fu gets faster
My Ninjas can't help but win.
I've got some tough chicks
Who take and can give licks
And melt the sweetest sugar walls
When we crampon we tampon
So slap on the strap on
Tonight we're gonna bust some balls
Ninjas lift Dragon Lady like Marilyn Monroe.
NINJAS:
Woman with the Kung Ling Fu
DRAGON LADY:
On your hidden stem I will chew
When you shake it I stir
My petals drip with dew
NINJAS:
Woman with the Kung Ling Fu
DRAGON LADY:
When you're leading the posse
You're forced to be bossy
And you end up all alone.
If they pant like a doggie
My panties get soggy
But you'll never break this heart of stone.
NINJAS:
Woman with the Kung Ling Fu
DRAGON LADY:
I'm gonna come and Kung Ling you
I wouldn't be so bitchy
If someone scratched my itchy
NINJAS:
Woman with the Kung Ling Fu
Music quiets to underscore.
VIDEO CUE 12:
Loop of interior, opulent sex goddess temple, day. Same as before.
DRAGON LADY (CONT'D)
Hu Ta Chu and his Sao Lin followers want to purify their souls with suffering and abstinence. Men have dirty thoughts and so they think the world is dirty. But they are wrong! The Lesbian Ninjas worship the Dragon Goddess, the goddess of fire and sensuality. We believe that enlightenment is joy. It's achieved by finding joy in your body. We believe in sex, freedom and happiness and we're going to beat them up until they learn to fuck.
COOTY
But Master I can't fight. I'm only a beginner.
DRAGON LADY
You will carry the blood buckets and clean bandages. Lesbian Ninjas, it is time to do battle. Let's move out!
Ninjas cheer as they leave the stage. End underscore.
COOTY
Now I'm a nurse!
(Looks up)
Father, will I never learn to fight?
Exit Cooty.
Act 1 Scene 6: Sao Lin Temple
VIDEO CUE 13:
Loop of exterior Asian landscape, day.
Enter Sao Lin warriors. They practice their comedic martial arts technique lead by the best student.
SAO LIN 1
Move with grace and discipline. The Great Hu Ta Chew would not stand for such sloppiness.
A paper dragon enters the stage. Cooty, now in a nurse's dress stands by Dragon Lady as she begins to work a spell.
COOTY
What are you doing?
DRAGON LADY
Those who control time, control everything!
SOUND CUE 4:
A gong is heard and dialogue becomes voice over. The actors move their mouths out of time with their words like in a dubbed Kung Fu film.
COOTY
Dragon Lady... wait... what? My words are not aligned to my mouth. That's so freaky!
DRAGON LADY
That is an after effect. I now control how fast or how slow time moves. I now control the speed of the fight.
Dragon Lady and Cooty hide themselves inside the paper dragon.
SAO LIN 2
A parade... what a great surprise... let us all celebrate!
SAO LIN 1
No! We must discipline ourselves. We are not finished training. To master Jerkin' style one must arouse the senses without expelling needed bodily fluids. Adrenaline flows without the sleepy effects of too much pleasure.
SAO LIN 2
Come on, give it a rest. Let us have a little fun for a change. What the Hell's wrong with my voice?
SAO LIN 1
We are the humble apprentices of the noble and honorable Hu Ta Chu. We train to transcend the base and lustful ways of the Earthly realm. To elevate ourselves beyond this world we must overcome the limitations of the flesh and abstain from such temptations.
SAO LIN 2
Hu Ta Chu would praise us for attending the festival honoring the warrior Goddess Kali and her victory over the demon hoards. (Lecherously) We all must bask in the purity of the sacred virgins' ritual dance!
VIDEO CUE 14
Flashing lights intercut with cartoon text that says "POW", "BOF" "CRASH" etc.
Lesbian Ninjas emerge from under the dragon and a huge fight erupts. The band plays an instrumental as the dancers perform choreographed fight movements to the rhythm. Cooty tries to stay out of the way. Dragon Lady makes "halt" gestures when the music stops causing all the fighters to freeze. She corrects her Ninja's body position during the pauses. Song ends as Hu Ta Chu enters at the front of the stage wearing a clown mask and stands before the Dragon Lady.
UNCLE PLOW
SOUND CUE 5:
Dubbed Dialog.
So Dragon Lady, you thought you would catch us off guard with a surprise attack. But we are prepared for your time manipulation tricks. My Sao Lin warriors have been training under water.
DRAGON LADY
Cold showers will not help you Hu Ta Chu. Your inferior Drunken Clown technique will not stand a chance against my Dragon Style Kung Ling Fu.
UNCLE PLOW
Did clowns scare you as a little girl? Maybe that is what stunted you and turned you into the scattered, promiscuous woman you are today. Prepare to DIE Dragon Lady!
Uncle Plow and Dragon Lady engage in a faster more intense stage combat sequences as minimal music similar to a Kung Fu movie score plays. The students watch in awe. The music stops and the fight ends in a stalemate.
VIDEO CUE 15:
Loop of exterior Asian landscape, day. Same as before.
UNCLE PLOW (CONT'D)
(Not Dubbed.)
Dragon Lady, you bring disgrace to my temple. You must leave.
DRAGON LADY
Once again we have come to a stalemate. But soon we will outnumber you! Until next time, farewell Hu Ta Chu.
Act 1 Scene 7: Cooty's Bedroom, Sex Temple
VIDEO CUE 16:
Loop interior of Cooty's bedroom at the Sex Goddess Temple. Night. There could be windows showing the night sky outside.
Cooty is in a nightgown on a bed praying. Dragon Lady stands behind him. She enters in a sexy outfit to seduce him. She strokes his hair but he doesn't notice, tries to kiss him but he shyly pulls away.
COOTY
Father, I have practiced for the past six months and have learned the Dragon Lady's sorcery. Tomorrow I will crash cousin Leah's wedding in the village to claim my revenge upon Auntie Kim and Uncle Stan. If this is not in keeping with your wishes please send me a sign in my dreams. I will dedicate this night to receptivity so that I can be a proper vessel for the Guddha. Good night Father.
Dragon Lady exits. Cooty falls asleep as the stage around him changes to a dreamscape. The six-armed Dragon Goddess emerges as the stage fills with fog. Her six arms caress her body in a lewd fashion as she sings.
VIDEO CUE 17:
Music video for The Knee She Bites. Dream imagery ripe with symbolism warning Cooty there will be two survivors of his wrath and will effect his Parma negatively. Image of the Dragon Lady biting a knee, presumably Cooty's. Maybe imagery that explores the concept of dichotomy.
The Knee She Bites
DRAGON GODDESS:
Pie why I be rouge tongue?
She and me do more pond Guam.
Don't I see a thousand moose young?
Yak and moose and cow tongue.
One day a thousand pounds,
How long this oozing tongue?
One day although they's young,
Sand doggy he's a nun.
He's wrong and oh so young,
He's towel faced and young,
But who did he see needs emotion?
I too told my mirror "Ah Mom,
Do not sit on my long tongue."
Will ya bite on the knee
Oh the knee she bites.
Exit Dragon Goddess as dream lighting fades. Cooty wakes up as Dragon lady enters and stands before him.
VIDEO CUE 18:
Loop interior of Cooty's bedroom at the Sex Goddess Temple. Night. Same as before.
COOTY
Master I had a very strange dream. A six-armed woman in bondage gear came to me and sang a song... I could not understand the meaning of the words.
DRAGON LADY
The Dragon Goddess... you should feel very privileged.
COOTY
All the animals paraded past two by two honoring her. How would you interpret my dream?
DRAGON LADY (Rubs her temples.)
The Goddess has a riddle in her song. Perhaps the number two has significance.
Snaps her fingers twice.
DRAGON LADY (CONT'D)
There will be two survivors of your wrath at the wedding. Fear not for the survivors will bear witness to your great power and you will be given a new name of great prominence. You will forever be famous throughout the land for billowing clouds of ice balls and serpent fire. Be empowered my woman warrior! Her light will help you shine!
SOUND CUE:
A computerized voice says "LEVEL 24 COMPLETE. YOU HAVE EARNED 5,000 BONUS POINTS. PREPARE TO DO BATTLE!"
VIDEO CUE 19:
Text appears on screen flashing: "Congratulations" and "5000 points", over the background of Cooty's bedroom.
COOTY
That sounds great for someone else. What if you find another warrior to be femininely empowered for me, she could take revenge, and then I could pay her in installments.
DRAGON LADY
Don't worry girlfriend... Go bravely into your destiny and fame.
Cooty walks reluctantly cross stage as the Dragon Lady lets out an ironic laughs and then exits. The gerbil puppet stands in front of Cooty preventing him from leaving the stage.
COOTY
Oh you! Get out of my way. My magic spells will reek more damage than any technique you could...
Gerbil sulks.
Hey, don't feel bad. After my bloody revenge, why don't you and I share a water bottle down at the open cage bar.
Gerbil celebrates.
I hope you won't mind if I invite my cat. He's so lonely since he ate my hamster!
The gerbil runs.
Damn gerbil.
Cooty exits.
Act 1 Scene 8: Wedding, Garden of Asian Mansion
VIDEO CUE 20:
Exterior garden of the same Asian mansion as before. This time it is decorated for a lovely garden wedding.
The whole cast is on stage as guests.
PRIEST (Sung as multiphonic drone)
We are gathered here to celebrate the union of Wang Hung Lo and Sucky Nomo. If I may comment, we could not have picked a more beautiful day for a wedding. The absence of a single cloud and the alignment of the stars would indicate a tremendous omen for this marriage. The Gods are shining down on this union which I believe will bring this couple a lifetime of prosperity and happiness. If anyone here knows why these two should not be married share your concerns now or let it rest from this day forward.
SOUND CUE 6:
Thunder crashes.
VIDEO CUE 21:
Rolling storm clouds and lightning.
Cooty makes a grand entrance on a bungie cord. He gestures to the sky and thunder claps again. Cooty is in men's clothes or he strips off his woman's dress to reveal a man's martial arts costume.
COOTY (Laughs)
Aunt and Uncle, I am here to seek revenge on behalf of my mother and myself. You dare to divide this family by making my mother and I homeless without kinship or resource. And this entire family, as well as the friends of this family who did not speak up on our behalf, you all shall suffer the wrath of my great sorcery!
TUNG LIK DONG (Laughing)
So, my little Nephew has returned for revenge. Too bad for you no one ever died from a bitch slap. Please sing 'Tip Toe Through Two Lips' while I punch you in the mouth!!
Crowd Laughs.
SOUND CUE 7: Cooty gestures again toward the sky as thunder crashes.
COOTY
I curse you all with ice from the sky and serpent fire from the mountain. May the forces of nature show no mercy to you as you showed no mercy to my mother and I. The band plays an instrumental as members of the wedding party try to throw Cooty out. He easily wards them off with his now improved high-flying Kung Fu.
VIDEO CUE 22:
Music video for Theme from Ass Ass In with Godzilla footage and hailstorm footage.
A yellow tinted Godzilla comes crashing from inside the mountain. Godzilla is then shown destroying the city.
SOUND CUE 8:
Between his flinging of adversaries, he gestures to the sky as thunder crashes.
Auntie Kim and Uncle flee the stage. Then Ping Pong balls start to fall from the rafters pelting the wedding party to the floor. Cooty gestures more. A giant yellow Godzilla foot falls from the rafters. As several cast members are lying dead on the stage, Cooty makes a grand gesture of triumph as the music ends.
VIDEO CUE 23:
Decimated landscape. Possibly ruins from Thailand.
Two farmers enter with pitchforks stepping over dead bodies.
FARMER 1
Your Aunt and Uncle told us that you caused the hailstorm and summoned the great serpent from the mountain.
COOTY (Proudly)
Yes... it was I who... did you say my AUNT and UNCLE?
FARMER 2
Yes Tung Lik Dong and his wife Kim... is it true you caused all this mayhem? Our fields were laid low with ice. Gorgonzola ate our chickens.
COOTY
But... they both were...
SOUND CUE 4: The voice of the Dragon Lady is piped in.
DRAGON LADY (VO Dubbed)
...There will be two survivors of your wrath at the wedding. Fear not for the survivors will bear witness to your great power...
Cooty drops to his knees and buries his head in his hands.
COOTY
NOOOOOO!
FARMER 1
You have destroyed our crops you... you... LITTLE CANDY ASS!!
COOTY
Candy Ass? I am the ultimate Assassin! According to my correspondence school diploma.
Farmer 2 looks down at one of the dead chorus members.
FARMER 2
You killed your relatives and most of the town's people! You evil little poof ... ASS ASS IN! YOU KILLED MY UNCLE!!!
DRAGON LADY (VO Dubbed)
...you will be given a new name of great prominence.
FARMER 1
Look over there! "ASS ASS IN", you killed MY Uncle too!
Farmers chase Cooty off stage with pitchforks and rubber chickens. Exit dead bodies and Godzilla foot.
Act 1 Scene 9: Dragon Lady's Temple
VIDEO CUE 24:
Loop of the sex Goddess temple in ruins.
SOUND CUE 10:
The sound of a crowd chanting, "ASS ASS IN DIE DIE DIE" growing louder.
Cooty enters in women's clothes panting and scared. Enter mother and Dragon Lady.
COOTY
Master! I've ruined everything!
DRAGON LADY
I know.
COOTY
Mother! Oh sovereign-ness of my childhood home, what brings you here to Dragon Lady's temple?
MOTHER
Shame and failure.
COOTY
I wreaked great vengence. There is death and giant claw marks everywhere! I didn't want to do it. But you told me that you would take your life if I didn't.
DRAGON LADY
I can't watch this soap opera.
Dragon Lady walks to the other side of stage. Enter the lesbian ninjas who sweep the ping-pong balls off the stage.
MOTHER
(To Dragon Lady)
You taught Mandy's daughter snakes. You taught My Way's Daughter frogs with poison tongues. My daughter gets giant toe jam and cold Ping Pong balls.
(To Cooty)
If your Uncle and Aunt live, everything is the same as before! I have no friends. I have no village! The house we are kicked out of is a splinter in Gorgonzola's big toe. I am leaving you. I will walk for four days and make a new life wherever I end up as a drug mule with a vagina full of poppies and a stolen US Visa.
COOTY
Mother, do not leave me. Please, don't go.
MOTHER
Goodbye my...
(Looks at Dragon Lady then at Cooty)
Goodbye my former... daughter.
Mother exits. Cooty runs over to Dragon Lady.
COOTY
Master, what do I do now? The crowd is getting closer and I have accumulated an enormous sweating pile of bad Parmesan cheese. My Parma is so bad that it will take me seven lifetimes of suffering to repay.
DRAGON LADY
Nine.
COOTY
What do YOU do? How can you be an enlightened master with such bad Parma?
DRAGON LADY
Silly Boy, I don't actually use any of this evil shit. Do you think I'm crazy? When you reach a certain stage of enlightenment you gain special powers. Evil spells and death magic suddenly occurred to me in the middle of a deep meditation. I teach it because the discipline it takes enriches the soul. But to actually use the stuff!?! No way!
COOTY
I have been betrayed! Master, please tell me what to do!
DRAGON LADY
That's not my job, sweet thing. I taught you what I know. Go to Hu Ta Chu. He's really good helping those who are Parmically bankrupt. That's all he does and he does it well.
COOTY
But he is your mortal enemy! How can I change sides after all we've been through?
DRAGON LADY
Don't be silly, One side is the same as the other. Life is not reality. It is a game for the soul to play and win enlightenment. Do not let it bother you. It will not bother me.
COOTY
The angry mob is almost here!
DRAGON LADY
Oh, by the way, after you are his student it will be my duty to kick your pansy ass in battle.
COOTY
My life refuses to make sense!
The crowd approaches to beat up Cooty. Cooty's martial arts skills are barely enough to keep his attackers at bay. Just before the end of the song he finally runs away. The crowd of villagers follows him.
Act 1 Scene 10: The Graveyard, Day
VIDEO CUE 24:
Day time panoramic countryside with mountain in distance.
Cooty is getting drunk with Uncle Plow.
UNCLE PLOW
I love wine more than sleep even though wine makes me sleep.
COOTY
My other Uncle is laughing at me.
UNCLE PLOW
I love sweet memories of youth but wine blurs the good with the bad.
COOTY
My Mother has left me. I am an orphan.
UNCLE PLOW
I love wine more than sex. Well, maybe not, but I'm less lonely with wine.
COOTY
I'm lost. Uncle, tell me what to do.
UNCLE PLOW
Don't you ever want to think for yourself? Luckily you don't have to because your Uncle Plow knows the way. You must go to the great Hu Ta Chu.
COOTY
Sure, but how do I find him? I've looked all over. Three villages, two shrines, and four temples later I still haven't seen him. It's hopeless.
UNCLE PLOW
I know him very well. He doesn't just walk around looking for fools to help. He stays in a secret cave in the mountains. He comes out for supplies during the full moon and tonight the moon will shine. Hu Ta Chu loves wine. You must get the best wine you can find and I will take it to him.
COOTY
You dirty bastard! I just spent my last money getting YOU wine!
UNCLE PLOW
Calm down. Over there is a man with ten fallen trees. If you cut them up, he will give you some of the logs. Take them over there and a kind merchant whose shop gets a river breeze will trade you wine for logs.
Cooty sighs and exits. Band plays.
VIDEO CUE 25:
Cooty swings an ax.
Cooty enters with a bunch of split logs that he can barely carry. He exits on the opposite side of the stage.
VIDEO CUE 25 (continues):
Cooty trades wine for logs with a merchant.
Cooty re-enters with a gourd.
VIDEO CUE 26:
Same panoramic countryside with mountain in distance.
UNCLE PLOW
There's only one thing that gets sweeter after it's trampled under foot, Young One. Give me the gourd.
(Grabs the wine)
I will personally drink to the health of the great master Hu Ta Chu.
(Gulp)
He has sacred scrolls that describe cases like yours specifically.
(gulp gulp)
He will come out of hiding for just the right blessing.
(gulp)
COOTY
Then why are you drinking HIS blessing? Give it back!
UNCLE PLOW
THIS blessing is for ME! I will now tell you of a blessing for him. Hu Ta Chu comes out of his cave to bless temples. Find the highest peak of a mountain and build a temple. There, that peak is perfect! Grab stones from the valley and build one right there. When he comes to bless it, offer him your loyal service and follow him back to his cave. Easy.
Plodding ominous instrumental music starts Stereotype Dandelion. (Hear MP3) Cooty hauls huge stones across the stage. (Interplay with on stage Cooty and video Cooty.)
VIDEO CUE 27:
Same panoramic countryside with mountain in distance. Cooty hauls stone up mountain. Animation of temple being built as the sun rapidly sets and rises again indicating the passing of days. Overlaid text on screen says "Intermission."
Intermission
Cooty continues to haul the heavy stones across the stage during the entire intermission.