Past Projects > Jerungdu > Script Archive > Barneezlebub > Barneezlebub (Part 2)
Barneezlebub: A Hillbilly Porn Opera (Part 2)
by Michael Donahue, Newt Skink and Friends
Copyright 1998
Disco lights. Southern Boogie Woogie music plays. Two female strippers enter. They dance on stage and then offer lap dances to the boys in the band. Tammy enters in slutty lingerie and a full, round pregnant belly. Larissa sees Tammy and motions for her to come over. Tammy gives Larissa a lap dance. Larissa tips her and discovers her two vaginas.
BAND
Friday night,
Drivin’ blind,
Flashin’ red lights,
From behind.
Law man please don’t throw me in jail.
Lord I was out on the weekend,
I was stalkin’ down some tail.
Band stops playing to receive blow jobs from the stripper girls.
LARISSA
Mother fuck... You're one hot piece of ass!
TAMMY
Thanks. I ain't never danced for no girl before. I'm glad ya liked it.
LARISSA
What's your name?
TAMMY
I'm Gemini.
LARISSA
That sounds like a fuckin' stripper name. If I'm going to write out a check, I'm going to need to know your REAL fuckin' name.
TAMMY
That's against Mojo's club policy.
LARISSA
Fuck Mojo's... I'm an officer of the mother fuckin law.
TAMMY
I... I'm Tammy.
BILLY
Tammy ain’t clammy...
LARISSA (Whips the slave.)
Shut the fuck up, you ugly, rank boil.
(Hands Tammy a business card.)
Tammy huh... You open up like a can of tuna. I like that a lot.
TAMMY (Looks at card.)
And yer Officer John? That's surely not yer real name...
LARISSA
Now don't you disrespect my badge... it's my fuckin' screen name. I'm in the movie business.
TAMMY
Really... what kind of movies do ya all make?
LARISSA
As the President of Poon Tang Dynasty Entertainment, I am the fuckin' writer, fuckin' director, fuckin' producer and fuckin' star of several of my own budget fuckin' friendly "action" films. As a matter of fact, I'm working on a project now that I think you'd be mother fuckin' perfect for.
TAMMY
Really? what's yer movie called?
LARISSA
It's called "Back Bacon." It's a fuckin' love story.
TAMMY
What kind of part ya got fer me?
LARISSA
Oh I got a real BIG fuckin' part for you baby. In fact I got two of 'em.
TAMMY
What do ya want me ta do in this here movie anyhow?
LARISSA
Girl... I want you to do "the thang!"
TAMMY
What "thang?"
LARISSA
Well, maybe I should just fuckin' show you. Slave boy, you pointless crustacean, arrest this slut!!
Larissa hands the slave boy a pair of handcuffs.
BILLY
Yes sir... mistress...
LARISSA
Shut up. Did I tell ya to fuckin' talk?
BILLY
No.
LARISSA
Then shut up.
BILLY
Okay
LARISSA
Shut up!
BILLY
Alright.
LARISSA
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! You insipid fuckin retard. Now go get the cuffs on her you repulsive rotten putz. And hurry the fuck up. You're a hideous horrible maggot, a paltry excuse for an ass wipe.
The slave nervously cuffs Tammy 's wrists as he's being chewed out.
TAMMY
What are ya'll doin'!?!
LARISSA
You have the fuckin' right to remain silent... So shut up bitch. And YOU!!! Get your flatulent ass in gear. You meager minded fucked up reject!
TAMMY
Is this some kind of audition?
LARISSA
Yeah I guess you might say that... that is if I were to let you to fuckin' talk. (to Billy) Now you're in my way little cretin. (kicking him) Move your spazmatic twitching scab of a cadaver, you disgusting uncouth mongoloid! Get your skeletal remains outa my sight, you piteous pile of stinking waste, before I give ya what your miserable carcass deserves!!
Billy rolls over moaning in pain
LARISSA (sigh)
That feels better.Like I was saying, (strapping on a dildo.) I got a REAL BIG part for you, honey, and I know how to fuckin' use it too. And when I'm through with you, you're not only gonna sign a deal with me, but I'm gonna make ya the hottest piece of pregnant ass in New York City.
TAMMY
NEW YAWRK CITY!?!
LARISSA
Somebody get the rope.
Larissa faces Tammy. Tammy sees the dildo.
TAMMY
W- W-What are ya gonna do with that thang?!?
Music plays
The Thang is the Thang
LARISSA
The thang is the thang that ya want me to do
And the thang is the thang that I'll be doin' ta you.
Lemme get some ice to cool off my back,
When I think about you girl I say YAS YAS YAS!
Wanna get with you each and every day,
I know ya taste real good just like sweet honey.
The thang is the thang that ya want me to do
And the thang is the thang that I'll be doin' ta you.
Larissa hands off the microphone to Billy and teases Tammy sexually.
BILLY
Girl you look so good without yer dress,
Wanna love ya down girl ya know I won't rest.
Larissa gives the slave a dirty look. She takes back her microphone and kicks him off the stage.
LARISSA
Bay-bay yo love is like a sling shot,
Gonna treat you right cuz yo makin' me HOT HOT!
The thang is the thang that ya want me to do
And the thang is the thang that I'll be doin' ta you.
Larissa does a lewd humping dance with Tammy. The girl strippers offer lap dances to members of the audience.
Lemme get some ice to cool off my back,
When I think about you girl I say YAS YAS YAS!
Wanna get with you each and every day,
I know ya taste real good just like sweet honey.
The thang is the thang that ya want me to do
And the thang is the thang that I'll be doin' ta you.
The thang is the thang that ya want me to do
And the thang is the thang that I'll be doin' ta you.
The thang is the thang that ya want me to do
And the thang is the thang that I'll be doin' ta you.
The thang is the thang that ya want me to do
And the thang is the thang that I'll be doin' ta you.
By the end of the song Larissa is fucking Tammy violently.
TAMMY (ecstatically)
I'm coming... I'm coming...
They both scream in orgasm. Black out. Tammy's screams become painful.
TAMMY
Oh no! It's coming! Oh my Gawd! It's coming... Ahhhhhh!
The sound of a slap. A baby cries. Lights up on Larissa entering with a bloody baby doll. Enter a man in a trench coat and distressed suitcase. Text on the suitcase reads: "White Slaves -R- Us" The woman opens the suitcase. Larissa throws the baby inside the suitcase and withdraws a fist full of cash. She laughs and counts her money. Spotlight on Barneezlebub watching the transaction and laughing.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Did Tammy's unloved love child come out through the in door or in through the out door? This is good work. I am fucking fantastic. I'm on a roll like a French royal's head after the guillotine. I feel like I deserve a twelve year bender, plunder, sextravaganza, just like the one I just had, only better and with less drugs. So I can remember the good parts better than the people I done them to. You ask "Why am I so bad?" (laughs) Because it feels so good. You have to go where your inclinations lead. You can't deny your nature. Only by living out your desires can you ultimately transcend them and revel in the power of positive decadence.
Feather and the Leather
(singing)
I am the feather and the leather.
I am the fire and the ice.
I am the train and the tunnel.
I am the naughty; but not the nice.
You can't feel the pain without a little pleasure.
In my divine plan, struggle mixes in with leisure.
I ensure a bumpy road to your spiritual treasure.
The pound of flesh you pay is often difficult to measure.
I am the feather and the leather.
I am the fire and the ice.
I am the train and the tunnel.
I am the naughty; but not the nice.
Its just the way it is that torture makes you squeal.
Its not my fucking job to reinvent the wheel.
I melt you with my heat so you harden up like steel.
To earn the right to walk erect, first you gotta kneel.
Why do I do the things that I do?
Simply because you need me to.
Why am I evil to the core?
'Cause if I weren't a bad apple, I'd be a bore.
Why do kids play in my neighborhood?
'Cause the game of should not teaches what it should.
You ask what drives me to do this mean stuff?
I guess 'cause my Mommy didn't love me enough.
Speaking
Back at the frat house Jimmy Joe Bob and his room mates are about to discover that a good touch can sometimes be a bad touch... and a bad touch can sometimes be a good touch. Tammy was touched so "good" by the "THANG" that she felt "bad" way down in her tummy. So when she moved in with Officer John, she felt so bad so often, she didn't call Mommy or Daddy or Jimmy. She just called out for her God. Oh God, Oh God! She's the little piggy who went straight to market. A harlot star of the VCR screaming oink me oink whoever you are. But in the grime of New York they grill filthy pork and toss the bones to the pidgeons. Jimmy always wondered why he could never reach Tammy down at Mojo's any more. Tonight, he finds out why.
Projected text: "I Aita Zeta Fraternity" Lights up on two frat boys watching a TV. Sound of a porno flick.
FRAT BOY 1
Ya think them are real?
FRAT BOY 2
Yup. Either that er a real good boob job. Ain't no scars nowhere.
FRAT BOY 1
Lookit there!!! (Points at the screen)
FRAT BOY 2
Haw haw... I ain't never seen nothin' like that... looks like she's a double barrel!
FRAT BOY 1
Huh huh... triple barrel if yer a back door man. Wooo Hooo!!!
Frat boys start shooting guns in the air. Jimmy enters.
JIMMY
What's goin' on fellas!?!
FRAT BOY 2
Hey Jimmy, come n' check out this porno movie we rented. It's called "Back Bacon."
FRAT BOY 1
Them two girls are in a truck stop meat locker. See the girl in the cop suit, she's made the waitress go back in the freezer.
FRAT BOY 2
Lookit there... she's about to bend her over a side a beef. Whoa! That girl cop is strappin' on... What is that?
FRAT BOY 1
A Polish sausage.
FRAT BOY 2
No that's some kinda Brat Wurst. No wait... Three of 'em!! Wooo hoooo! Oh my Gawd, she's linin' em up. She's gonna put 'em in...
FRAT BOY 1
Look, she missed one... She's gonna try it again... Wooo hoooo! SCORE BABY!!!
Frat boys shoot guns in the air. Jimmy looks mortified.
FRAT BOY 1
Ya know Jimmy, if ya squint a little, she looks a little like yer girl Tammy.
FRAT BOY 2
Lookit there... it IS yer girl Tammy! Jimmy, yer woman's a freak... and she's with ANOTHER WOMAN!
JIMMY
Oh my GAWD!!!
FRAT BOY 1
Jimmy, I didn't know yer girl was AC-DC.
FRAT BOY 2
Haw haw haw... I wouldn't mind pluggin' inta that three prong receptacle!!
FRAT BOY 1
Ya know where I come from the only thang with three holes in it is a biffy!!
JIMMY
You pigs gimme that thing!
Jimmy grabs the remote from Fratboy.
FRAT BOY 1
She's got em side by side... jist like a sheep. Guess that splains why yer studyin' animal husbandry Bubba. Haw haw!
FRAT BOY 2
Aww cmon Jimmy, it was just gettin' good. Awe hell, lets go git a differnt one.
Frat boys exit. Lights dim. Spotlight on Jimmy. Music plays I Miss My Baby
JIMMY
I miss my baby.
When will I see her again?
I miss my baby.
She's gone til I don't know when.
Tammy enters stands behind Jimmy. But he can't see her. She is in his imagination.
She belongs in my arms makin' love to me.
Back on the farm like she used to be.
But she's gone for the charms of some lesbo freak
Why must I cry and I miss my baby.
Spotlight on Tammy
TAMMY
I miss my baby.
When will I see him again?
I miss my baby.
He's gone til I don't know when.
I done my man wrong, just myself to blame
I'm alone with my longing and hopeless shame.
My true love is gone. All I got was fame.
Why must I cry, and I miss my baby.
I miss my baby.
When will I see her again?
I miss my baby.
Selling a child is a sin.
Her future is bleak, she needs bravery.
To survive with the creeps in white slavery.
Her new life will reek of depravity
Why must I cry, and I miss my baby.
Tammy sits on floor and cries uncontrollably. Spotlight on Barneezlebub. Projected text: "Poon Tang Dynasty Entertainment" Tammy sobs throughout Barneezlebub's monologue.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Don't cry. I hate it when they cry. Oh this is bad. Wait... Bad is good. This is good. This is what I wanted. Pain and suffering and all. (sobs) The funny thing about feeling bad, is that its so much better when someone else is feeling it. Oh what have I done to my poor little minions? Oh shit. I think I'm sober. I hate it when that happens. Good God, I can hear myself think. I need some drugs. I need some whiskey. I can't be out of everything. Oh no. Oh no. My lamp's fixed. When the Hell did I do that? Now I'm even out of glue. I'm sorry Jimmy Joe-Bob and Tammy honey. I feel responsible for every bad thing that ever happened to you. Responsibility? I need to find something to drown out my responsibility with. Its your fault Daddy. You never wanted an egg. You never kept me warm between your burning bright red butt cheeks, oh no. I hatched out of tenacity. I hatched like a scheme. I fucked all this up but I'll make it better. Quiet down honey, I know you miss Jimmy Joe-Bob real bad... but sssshhhhh kids... that’s a secret she hasn't even told herself yet. SSSSHHHHH....Drano! Warning can cause dizziness, vomiting, and death. If swallowed immediately contact blah, blah, blah. Three cheers for dizzy. I'm saved. (he guzzles the Drano)
Tammy dries her tears and watches TV. Officer John enters followed by Billy the slave boy.
LARISSA
I am so sick of you, you repugnant wretched crawling disaster. You feeble whimpering mutt. You disdainful stagnant pool of polluted piss.
Larissa administers a good swift kick to Billy's stomach, then crosses to Tammy and tenderly strokes her hair.
LARISSA (lovingly)
So how’s my little fuckin’ starlet this morning?
TAMMY (Sighs)
Aww jist fine I spose.
LARISSA (annoyed)
What the fuck’s the matter? You’ve been like this for three fuckin’ weeks now... and I’m gettin’ pretty fuckin’ sick and tired of it.
TAMMY
I’m just a little down it the dumps.
LARISSA
What for? I told ya I was gonna make ya the hottest piece of ass in New York City and I did. Now you owe it to me to stop being such a fuckin’ buzz kill.
Larissa prepares her arm to shoot up some heroin. She shoots up during Tammy's dialogue.
TAMMY
Aww sorry Larissa, it’s just... well... I thought bein’ a movie star would be more... glamorous ya know? I mean there’s gotta be more ta life than just fake humpin’ on camera. It ain’t as important as true love.
LARISSA (drugged up)
Oh don’t tell me you’re still thinkin’ about that old cow turd boyfriend of yours.
BILLY
Cow turd. Ha ha.
LARISSA (angrily)
Shut the fuck up, you insufferable mass of melodorous puke. You festering arc of spewing vomit. You vile epitome of disgusting filth. (to Tammy lovingly) I told ya if ya wanna be a star, ya gotta get rid of all them mediocre fucks that are holdin’ ya back and plow forward.
TAMMY
Yeah I know but... maybe I ain’t cut out ta be no star.
LARISSA (Grabs her by the chin.)
Now listen bitch, don’t fuck this up! I have an investment in you. I don’t dole out this kinda break to just anybody. I gave ya a sweet cushy situation cuz I thought ya had potential.
TAMMY
Yeah but...
LARISSA
Don’t fuckin’ talk back to me! (slaps her across the face)
Remember, I’m an officer of the mother fuckin’ law! You’re under contract... YOU’RE MINE!!!
TV ANNOUNCER
Have you lost a loved one to the porn industry? If so call us a 1-800-69-SPRUNG.
LARISSA
WAIT... What’s this?
TV ANNOUNCER
Jerry would love to have you as a guest on a future show. That number again is 1-800-69-SPRUNG...
LARISSA (Snaps her fingers.)
That's IT! This will be perfect exposure for my next fuckin’ project. (Looks at Tammy. In a fake southern accent:) Heh heh heh... so my little darlin’ maybe it’s about time ya look up yer long lost sweetheart... heh heh heh...
TAMMY
B-b-b-but...
LARISSA (angrily)
Shut the fuck up you stupid little slut... You’re under contract! Now pick up that fuckin’ phone and start dialin’.
TAMMY
B-b-b-but it’s been so long. What will I say?
LARISSA (hugging Tammy)
Heh heh heh... What ever I tell ya to honey... what ever I tell ya to.
(Black out. Spotlight on Barneezlebub.)
BARNEEZLEBUB
I wanted to damn their immortal souls to an eternity of ass roasting, glass chewing, worm crawling fun but I didn't want them to be sad. I need to get my mind off this crap. Hey kids, Let's prank call Jesus! (dials phone.) Yo, Christ dude, this is the apostle video store. I don't mean to be a thorn in your side like I understand we all have our cross to bear, but you have an overdue Roman Holiday and I'd just like to nail down the return. He's speechless. Jesus fucking Christ, How the hell are you? Bullshit you knew it was me. How's it hangin'? Well, since you asked, I have a planter's wart on the inside of my thigh I thought you could heal. Okay, okay, the real reason I called is that you have to help me. I don't want you to save anybody or anything. I just gave three undeserving souls to Dad's corporate office. I've known the little screwballs since they were kids and I kind of screwed things up. What? Yeah, I did give alzheimer's to a couple of lepers you healed so they wouldn't remember to thank you. So what? It was funny. Yes, I introduced the nail gun to earth. Okay, okay, so the Johovah's Witnesses might have witnessed a big purple dinosaur. They're annoying but its not all my fault. You started the whole Christianity thing. Fuck me? Fuck you. I didn't even want the help for myself. King of mercy my ass. Immaculate conception? You're a little bastard and you know it... Here's a little secret; your Mom wasn't a virgin. It's just that your Dad's cock was so small Mary couldn't feel it. And judging by the cloth diaper twinkle toes like father, like son. Want to see something big and purple?While you're sippin cloud sodas, I'm here on earth. I reign! I rule! I don't care if Jimmy Joe Bob does believe in you. He also believes his chewin' tobacco is a substitute for toothpaste. (hangs up the phone) I'm here Jimmy Joe-Bob, looking after you. He'll come around.
Projected text: "Back home at Grampaw's"
Lights up on Grampaw in his rocking chair and Jimmy in his underwear.
GRAMPAW
Whatsa matter boy... ya sick er somethin’? It ain’t like ya to be gittin’ up at three in the afternoon. (spits)
JIMMY
Naw Grampaw, I ain’t sick... just a little depressed.
GRAMPAW
Aw c’mon Jimmy Joe-Bob... ya ain’t still all worked up ‘bout yer girl Tammy are ya?
JIMMY
She ain’t my girl no more... but I still cain’t help but be sad Grampaw. Even though we can never be together again, that girl’s still bin weighin’ heavy on my mind.
GRAMPAW
Aww it don’t gotta be that way boy. Perdy soon you’ll find yerself a brand new girlie, and maybe the next one won’t be a little whore. (spits)
JIMMY
Now don’t you talk that way ‘bout Tammy Grampaw. Tammy ain’t no whore. She’s a fallen flower that done lost her way.
GRAMPAW
Wull it seems ta me ya gotta better chance a findin’ yerself a sweet respectable young thang at a church rather than at some bowlin’ alley er stripper bar.
JIMMY
Aww Grampaw, they ain’t no other girl like Tammy.
(Romantic music swells)
She’s special... just like a four leaf clover.
GRAMPAW
Wull Jimmy Joe-Bob, if this here Tammy is so special why cain’t ya patch thangs up with her?
JIMMY
I just feel like she’s a million miles away from me now.
Music kicks in as Jimmy’s tenderness gives way to righteous indignation.
JIMMY
Besides, I’m a man with standard and morals. A man’s gotta draw a line somewheres. When I saw her committin’ an unnatural act in that thar movie, I jist knowed we was never ta be together again. I will NOT have no girl of MINE objectafyin’ herself like that. I got my pride Grampaw... I GOT MY PRIDE!
Jimmy bursts into song.
I Could Date a Stripper But I Couldn’t Date a Porn Star
Didn’t know when I had her in the back of my car,
Didn’t know she wasn’t workin’ late at the nudey bar,
A man can only let a girl push ‘em so far,
Cuz I Could Date a Stripper But I Couldn’t Date a Porn Star.
I Could Date a Stripper,
But I Couldn’t Date a Porn Star.
I Could Date a Stripper,
GRAMPAW
Butcha Couldn’ta Date a Porn Star?
JIMMY
Didn’t know that things could wind up gettin’ so bizarre,
Shoulda known when she cut off all her curly long harr,
A man can only let a girl push ‘em so far,
Cuz I Could Date a Stripper But I Couldn’t Date a Porn Star.
JIMMY
I Could Date a Stripper,
But I Couldn’t Date a Porn Star.
I Could Date a Stripper,
But I Couldn’t Date a Porn Star.
I was completely an awarr,
It just ain’t farr,
I pretend that I don’t carr,
But it’s more than I can barr.
Jimmy ends the song sobbing. Telephone rings. Jimmy answers it.
JIMMY
Hello? (his face lights up) Tammy!!!
Black out. Spotlight on Barneezlebub
SATAN (breathes heavily like Darth Vader)
Barneezlebub (breath breath) I am your father. (breath breath wheeze cough clears his throat then speaks normally) I see from my notes that your quarterly report was due yesterday. If I don't see some real movement on the bottom line I will reevaluate your current position. Your project proposal promised four souls by the end of the fiscal year. I need results.
BARNEEZLEBUB
(waking up from a deep slumber) Heh?
SATAN
Four souls or I can your ass!!
BARNEEZLEBUB
(to audience)
Anyone catch the last couple scenes I'm so fucking lost.
SATAN
Now!!
BARNEEZLEBUB
Well, I prepared this presentation weeks ago. Along with visual aids (grabs three Barbies) and a detailed report that is currently in the mail or whatever. Tammy loves Jimmy Joe Bob. Officer John straps on to get Tammy off. Jimmy Joe Bob is one person with three names humping one fist thinking about a double cunted two timer. Billy the slave boy takes whatever officer John doesn't give to Tammy which actually comes from Larissa who has an arresting personality if you get my drift.
SATAN
Just the highlights, my little tad pole, or you'll need a shoe horn to get your asshole back over your tail spikes.
BARNEEZLEBUB
To put the point succinctly whack attack for the double stack takes the big rubber bone, double dip was an ego trip love lost its throne, masochist loves boots and crop oh god oh God don't stop, true love was near but never fear for it was blocked by the lesbo cop.
SATAN
I didn't understand a word of that crap.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Perfect.
SATAN
Four souls or you'll be cleaning the grease trap under the hellfire
'till the end of fucking time. Billy?
BARNEEZLEBUB
Ours.
SATAN
Larissa?
BARNEEZLEBUB
Ours.
SATAN
Tammy.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Ours.
SATAN
Jimmy Joe Bob?
BARNEEZLEBUB
Working on it.
SATAN
What's the plan...
Projected text: "The Jerry Sprung Show". Lights up on two security guards pumping their fists and inciting the audience to chant "JERRY, JERRY, JERRY". Jerry enters from the back of the house with a microphone.
JERRY
Thank you... thank you... Hello... Adult films turn some of us on... and turn some of us off. But what about the performers? The Adult entertainment industry often times turns the stars of it's films against their loved ones. Today's show is called "I Can Date a Stripper But Can't Date a Porn Star" and we will be speaking to the stars of the adult film industry... and the men who love them. Now I would like to introduce our guests. First I would like you to meet the director and star of "Back Bacon" as well as many other adult films, Officer John.
Applause. Larissa enters leading her crawling slave boy on a leash. They stop next to a row of chairs. Larissa sits on the slave's back.
JERRY (addressing the slave.)
I’m sorry... I’m afraid I don’t know your name?
BILLY (sing songy)
Billy the slave boy...
LARISSA (Whipping him)
Shut the fuck up, you detestable sack of debris. Did I tell you to fuckin' talk?
BILLY
No.
LARISSA
Then shut up.
BILLY
Yes mistress
LARISSA
I said shut up.
BILLY
OK
LARISSA (Whipping him violently)
You pus filled useless idiot! Do you smell something? I must have stepped in dog crap. Lick it off.
(Billy licks Larissa's boot.)
BILLY
Thank you mistress.
LARISSA
Are you speaking to me with shit breath? You foul smelling ball sweat off a mad cow. You nest of pubes rotting in the dried blood of a slaughterhouse floor drain. Shut your insolent nasty orifice before I discard you like a whore soaked cunt rag!!
Larissa regains her composure and sits again on the slave boy's back.
JERRY
Yes well... our next guest was, until recently an exotic dancer until she landed the co-starring role in "Back Bacon" with Officer John. Please welcome Tammy Tootunnels.
More applause, hoots and whistles. Tammy enters, embraces Larissa and gives her a hot french kiss. They both sit.
JERRY
So I’m curious, how did you come up with the name "Tammy Tootunnels?"
TAMMY
Tammy was my Grammy's name.
JERRY
Yes I see... how interesting. And finally, our next guest was Tammy's boyfriend until he learned of her new profession in the adult film industry. Please welcome Jimmy Black.
More applause. Jimmy enters. Officer John stands abruptly and the two stare coldly at one another. They rush toward each other screaming with rage. Larissa puts Jimmy in an immediate headlock and the whole cast freezes. Barneezlebub appears at the side of the stage sewing a Barney patch onto a pair of gigantic filthy underwear.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Musical Comedies, Porn Flicks and Kung Fu movies are all the same in a lot of ways, kids. All three are made from the same basic formula. They all have an embarrassingly thin thread of a plot designed only to get you from one fight, fuck or song to the next. Never let a good story get in the way of the "ACTION." What better place to stage a Kung Fu fight scene in a Porn Musical than on the Jerry Sprung Show? Let's go back ringside. Jerry...
Jimmy and Larissa execute a ridiculously choreographed Kung Fu Fight in slow motion. The security guards grab them an put them in seats on opposite ends of the stage.
JERRY
So Jimmy, how long did you know Tammy before she was involved in adult films?
JIMMY
Me and Tammy knowed each other ever since we was in Kindygarten in Plymouth Kentucky. Then when we was seventeen Tammy asked me to the Sadie Hawkins Day dance. The first summer we was together, everything was just fine... then when I went ta Texas A & M studyin' Animal Husbandry, She followed me down to Lubbock and got a job at Mojo's strip club.
JERRY
And how did you feel about Tammy stripping?
JIMMY
I was OK with Tammy bein' an exotic dancer I guess... sept when she started practicin' her lap dances on me durin' Monday Night Football.
JERRY
Yes, I can see how that would be distracting. Jimmy, when did things start going wrong?
JIMMY (To Tammy)
Tammy, that day I came home to the frat and I saw ya there on the TV screen... all bent over in that meat locker... it was just too much fer me ta bar. At first I thought it was cuz it was un-Christian and I couldn't stand fer datin' no porn star.
JERRY
So let me try to understand this... why were you alright with her
stripping but not alright with her doing adult films?
JIMMY
I thought I couldn't bring myself ta share ya with nobody else... specially another WOMAN. That's a SIN against nature and GAWD!!
LARISSA
Testosterone deficient bastard.
JIMMY
Lesbo shit pervert.
LARISSA
Hick fuckin' imbecile.
JIMMY
Mother fucking whore.
LARISSA
Sheep fucking moron.
JIMMY
Cunt smelling dyke bitch.
LARISSA
Fuck you, fucker.
JIMMY
You fucker!
LARISSA (grabbing Tammy's arm)
I DID fuck her!!! So fuck you!
JIMMY (grabbing Tammy's other arm)
Fuck you!
Larissa and Jimmy yank Tammy back and forth as they argue.
LARISSA
No. Fuck you!
JIMMY
Fuck you!
LARISSA
Fuck you!
JIMMY
Fuck you!
LARISSA
Fuck you!
JIMMY
Fuck you!
Two Security guards restrain Jimmy and Larissa from mauling Tammy any further.
SECURITY GUARD ONE (holding Jimmy back)
Let's break it up, here.
TAMMY (standing up)
Jimmy, she don't mean nothin' ta me. Yer the one I love!
BILLY
How touching.
LARISSA (Whips the slave.)
Shut your oozing blister hole. (To Tammy)
You double crossing, double cunted, twice the trouble of a SKANKY SLUT!! If you double douched as well as you double crossed, we would'nt have to smell the dual dank stench from your twin gaping gashes. You reek twofold lower than low tide. How DARE you fuckin’ turn against me on national TV for this... this STUPID SHIT KICKER!!!
TAMMY
You scum queen, you can't call my man a STUPID SHIT KICKER! You used yer "THANG" ta take me away from them that I love... so you can go eat shit and bark at the moon ya BITCH CUNT!!!
Tammy and Larissa fight. Tammy kicks Larissa's ass in a dominating fashion. Larissa lays on the stage in defeat as her slave boy cowers in horror. Security guards gather around Larissa's unconscoius body.
SECURITY GUARD ONE (shaking his finger at Larissa)
Let's break it up, here.
Standing for the first time, Billy the slave boy timidly approaches his fallen queen. Standing over her, he lets out a frightened whimper. He looks like he's about to cry. Instead, he kicks her in the ribs and saunters off stage in a huff. Security guards haul Larissa off stage.
JERRY
Settle down... everybody settle down. Hold on. I have a question from the audience.
Jerry walks into the audience to where a little girl is seated. Spotlight on Jerry and Little Girl.
LITTLE GIRL
Uhh, Jimmy, I just want to know, if your such a Christian, and it says in the Bible that you're not supposed to swear, how come you use words like fucker... lesbo shit pervert... mother fucking whore and cunt smelling dike bitch?
JIMMY
Well, I jist wanted my woman back. (to Tammy) Tammy, after I thought about it a few months, I realized that the reason I was jealous was cuz... I just wanted ta be in that meat locker with ya. I wanted ta be the one ta share that sperience with ya fer the first time.
JERRY
Jimmy, is there any way you can see yourself patching things up with Tammy?
JIMMY (To Tammy)
Tammy, I still love ya baby... an I want ya back... only there's one secret I got that I ain't told ya yet. I ain't told nobody yet.
Music starts: The Liver Song
TAMMY
Awww Jimmy, I love ya too. You can say anythin' ta me. (Gives him a big hug.) Ain't nothin' you say gonna change the way I feel bout ya.
JIMMY
I hope yer right honey... cuz right before the show, I was in one of them fancy oriental restaurants cross the street... and just then a revelation hit me... That's how I know that from now on, everything's gonna be OK with you and me.
TAMMY
What do ya mean Jimmy? What was yer revelation honey?
Jimmy bursts into The Liver Song.
JIMMY
Drunk with love in a Chinese restaurant kitchen,
The beef chow fun I came here for has slipped my mind
Your eyes I find so bewitchin'.
TAMMY
Drunk with love and I’m sure it must be showin’,
I run from love many times before
but now this time I’m sure that I won’t be goin’.
JIMMY & TAMMY
There’s rice in my hair I hear weddin’ bells,
The sights the sounds the smells are oh so inspirin’.
Yesterday I was all alone
but honey in you I found someone worth admirin’.
JIMMY
Drunk with love but I'm sure that I can deliver,
Unzips his pants and inserts his hand.
JIMMY
Darlin' please know from the start,
Deep inside my heart I still love my liver.
I know my love fer you will be everlastin’,
Unconditional love so true
except fer one thang from you that I will be askin’.
Jimmy lets his pants drop. He has a noticeably huge bulge in his boxer shorts. He reaches in his boxers and pulls out a bloody raw cut of liver.
JIMMY
A pouch is sewn in my underwear
Two pounds of liver there awaitin' some action.
We all have our peculiar sides
and honey I can't hide my special attraction.
Strippers walk down the isles of the theater offering braunschweiger snacks to the audience.
JIMMY & TAMMY
Ooooh I love my liver.
Ooooh I REALLY love my liver.
Jimmy rubs the liver inside his boxer shorts.
JIMMY
Somethin' bout that cool wet feel against my skin
Just gets me startin' to shiver.
Somethin' bout that cool wet feel against my thang
Just gets me startin' to quiver.
JIMMY
So, what do ya say baby?
TAMMY (Pause)
Beef er Chicken?
JIMMY
Uh... beef?
Tammy sighs and gives him a big kiss. Both exit as Jerry delivers his final thoughts.
JERRY
Many of the stars of the porn industry were made vulnerable at an
early age due in part to our weak family structures.
Barneezlebub enters approaching Jerry from behind.
JERRY
Often times, porn stars as children were the victims of abuse, neglect, molestation and mistreatment from adult influences with sick, seedy and self serving motives. The oppression they... uhhh mmm echhh
Barneezlebub strangles Jerry until he collapses dead on the stage. Barneezlebub takes Jerry's microphone, lights up a cigarette and speaks.
BARNEEZLEBUB
What a lousy third rate excuse for an anti-Christ!! I have done more to corrupt the moral fiber of this great nation than all of these weak-ass impotent slime-talk show chumps! So much for this self appointed crowned prince of filth.
singing I am KING
I am KING
I am MASTER!!!
I AM LORD!!!!
I am King, Lord and Master
And The Supreme Being of Bad Taste
I am KING
I am MASTER!!!
I AM LORD!!!!
I am King, Lord and Master
And The Supreme Being of Bad Taste
WHOLE CAST
Bad, bad, bad, bad taste!
Bad, bad, bad, bad taste!
The pathway to the gates of HELL is paved with shit bricks of BAD TASTE!!! VERY BAD TASTE!!!!! Bad taste is not developed overnight. Oh no. It takes YEARS to develop REALLY bad taste... that's why you have to start them out at an early age... as young as possible.
White Slave Trader enters with suitcase. He takes the bloody baby doll out of the suitcase and hands it to Barneezlebub.
My minions are perverted to their core... for I begin to twist them when they are merely saplings. (He twists the limbs on the doll) So grotesque are they by the time they reach adulthood... ha ha... they are completely immune to the feeble efforts put forth by the shepherds of goodness. (he tosses the baby onto the floor) These trashy TV twerps owe all they have to ME... THE SUPREME BEING OF BAD TASTE!!!!
WHOLE CAST
Bad, bad, bad, bad taste!
Bad, bad, bad, bad taste!
(Singing)
I love you,
You love me,
We're a zombie family.
We live on SHIT and terrible TEE VEE,
WE'LL DESTROY SOCIETY!!!
(Speaking, music swithches to Electric Love Lizards riff.)
Well kids, so long from your old pal Barneezlebub. See you all again tomorrow... same time, same channel. Oh, and one more thing...(speaking into cell phone.) YAHWEH... I have already WON!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! I HAVE ALREADY WON!!!!! Tune in tomorrow folks.
Black out. Jerungdu sings a reprise of The Thang is the Thang as characters participate in curtain call.
Curtain Call Order
MALE STRIPPERS & FRAT BOY
FEMALE STRIPPERS & JERRY
LARISSA & BILLY
JIMMY & TAMMY
BARNEEZLEBUB
BAND
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