Past Projects > Jerungdu > Script Archive > Barneezlebub
Barneezlebub: A Hillbilly Porn Opera
by Michael Donahue, Newt Skink and Friends
Copyright 1998
CAST: (in order of appearance)
Barneezlebub: Narrator/Children's performer from Hell
2 Ominous Men
2 Screaming teen fans
Tammy: Homecoming Queen/Stripper/Porn Star
Billy: Slave boy
Jimmy: Hillbilly/Animal Husbandry Student
Larissa/Officer Jon: Porn Film Maker
Grampaw: Jimmy's Grampaw
Football Strippers
Cheerleader/Camera Women
Frat Boy 1
Frat Boy 2
Stripper Girls
Cowboys
Voice of Satan
Security Guards
Jerry Sprung: Talk show host
Little Girl: Talk show audience member
Stripper Waiters & Waitresses
Lights up
Barneezlebub lies center stage passes out in a drunken stupor. He is an oppressively large seven headed purple reptile: a cross between Barneezlebub the Dinosaur and the beast in Revelations. His cell phone rings. He groans and starts to stir. He knocks over a few beer cans.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Who is it? (checks his caller ID) Oh the big G. What a goddamn privilege. (into the phone) Jesus Fucking Christ! You ever gonna send that kid of yours to college? He's never worked a day in his life. Oh the carpentry thing? Little do the humans know; that symbol they worship are the only two boards that lazy fuck ever nailed together... You think I've gone Hollywood? What do you mean I sold out? Hold on a minute. My agent's on the other line... Morris, what do you got? A kid's show? Forget it. You ever try snorting cocaine from the butt crack of a child? You can do the whole crack and only get half high! Hold on, I got the almighty asshole on the other line... Oh for Christ's sake, you know I'm gonna win. I don't care if the Bible is the most popular book on earth. You're too stupid to collect royalties. Who the fuck reads? You ever hear of something called the media?... Hold on... Morris, I'll take that kid's show. (Sesame Street music vamp plays) Sounds like just the opportunity I've been waiting for. Yep. Get me the contract... Oh are you still there? Hanging on? Don't you have any prayers to answer? The calls just aren't flowing in like they used to? What? I'm no slacker. I'll show you. (He hangs up the phone) Right after I pee, nap and find my pants.
Music transition to Electric love lizards. Two ominous men enter carrying black bags. A screaming 17 year old girl fan runs onto stage and kneels at his feet crying.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Electric Love Lizards
Seventeen year old girls with lizards for mates,
If they can't get laid then they'll masturbate.
Girl fan writhes at his feet.
Eat like you fuck and fuck like you eat,
Cuz living with lizards is a special treat.
Barneezlebub motions girl fan to stand up. He flirts with her.
Cuz they don't stop drinking when the sun starts to shine,
And they'll rip up your body (rips out her bloody heart)
and piss on your mind.
Ominous man 1 hands Barneezlebub a pointy stick.
If you wanna be a lizard don't even try,
Cuz their favorite greeting is a stick in the eye.
Barneezlebub pokes out her eye. Blood gushes. She crawls away.
Except for other lizards and very young girls,
They don't have a single fucking friend in the world.
BARNEEZLEBUB & BOYS
Squid, squid, squid...
BARNEEZLEBUB
Squid from Hell....
Everybody knows we're...
BARNEEZLEBUB & BOYS
SQUID FROM HELL!
BARNEEZLEBUB
Electric love lizards...
BOYS
Shining down!
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Electric love lizards...
BOYS
All over town!
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Electric love lizards killing for fun,
Electric love lizards
BARNEEZLEBUB & BOYS (pointing at Girl fan.)
YOU CAN NEVER BE ONE!
Girl crawls off stage.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Dressed in black leather with a ring in their nose,
They'll give you an enema with a garden hose.
Barneezlebub pulls a garden hose out of Ominous Man 1's butt.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Burn down the neighborhood free of the charges,
Then down to the river to blow up some barges.
When the cool breeze ripples they're ready for action,
Killing your pets with an anal contraction.
Ominous man 2 takes a cute little puppy out of a bag and places it on the floor as Barneezlebub takes a shit center stage. Barneezlebub wipes his ass with the puppy.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Raping your Dads for a bit of elation,
Barneezlebub rapes man 1 with his long tail.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
And pimping your Mothers at the Greyhound station.
Man 2 takes lipstick out of a grey hound bag and applies it as Barneezlebub slaps his ass.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Seventeen year old girls with lizards for mates,
If they can't get laid then they'll masturbate.
Seventeen year old girl returns with an eye patch, fawning all over Barneezlebub.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Eat like you fuck and fuck like you eat,
Cuz living with lizards is a special treat.
Barneezlebub pushes seventeen year old girl's face into pile of shit. She licks it. Ominous Man two drags her upstage where she is beaten to death til the end of the song.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Electric love lizards...
OMINOUS MEN
Shining down!
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Electric love lizards...
OMINOUS MEN
All over town!
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Electric love lizards killing for fun,
Electric love lizards you can never be one.
Barneezlebub hands Ominous Man 1 the microphone then punches him in the stomach.
Projected text: The Barneezlebub Show.
Cell phone rings. Ominous men dress him for kid's show throughout monologue.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Dad! How are things in the fiery down under?... No, please daddy, I'm making some real progress. I can't come back yet. Your damn eternal infernal sterno keeps lighting my farts. My asshole is an ash can. It's shattered my nerves. Stop laughing at me. Yes, a kiddie show. This is no a waste of time, Dad. It's not like Vegas. The ratings look good! No more lounge lizard gigs in seedy dumps. This is my big break... I'm not just feeding my insatiable ego, its a dada deconstruction of the divine plan. I hand picked these kids from God's A list. His holy favorites. Thank you it was difficult to get. How? Well, if you weren't omnipotent I wouldn't admit this but, I blew the cocks of two ark angels. And swallowing the cream filling of their sickeningly sweet twinkies shall not be in vain! Please, I just need a little more time, my father, my boundless originator of all that is badder than bad. I understand. Ya, ya, I'm on probation... This is my last chance. Blah blah. Oh thank you invincible evil one... I hate you too. (Kisses into phone and hangs up.) I despise that crusty old impotent failure. Someday he'll be kissing my ass.
OMINOUS MAN 1
Ten seconds til airtime. 10... 9... 8...
Enter screaming excited children. They run to Barneezlebub and embrace him. Ominous man continues countdown while cleaning Barneezlebub's shit from the stage.)
OMINOUS MAN 1
3... 2... go.
BARNEEZLEBUB (Speaking)
Hi kids... it's me... your old pal BARNEEZLEBUB!!!
KIDS
Hi Barneezlebub! We love you Barneezlebub!!
BARNEEZLEBUB
Today kids, we're going to talk about "GOOD TOUCH". Tammy, do you know what a good touch is?
TAMMY
Ummm... a touch that feels good?
BARNEEZLEBUB
That's right boys and girls! Now Jimmy, why don't you take those sweet long eye lashes of yours and get real close to Billy's cheek. Now wink those pretty blue eyes and tickle Billy with your eyelashes. Does that feel good Billy?
BILLY
Yes it does Barneezlebub... in a funny kind of way.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Now Jimmy, why don't you try it on Billy's other cheek.
Billy turns his head.
BARNEEZLEBUB
No Billy... the other cheek!
Billy pulls down his pants and exposes his butt cheek as Jimmy strokes it with his eyelashes.
BARNEEZLEBUB
See kids, now that's what I call a REALLY "good touch"! Now Billy, why don't you take this baloney sandwich and rub it on Jimmy's knee. Does that feel good Jimmy?
JIMMY
Hee hee, sure does Barneezlebub. Real differn't, but real good.
BARNEEZLEBUB
There's lots of different kinds of good touches Jimmy. Now boys and girls, this is a stethoscope. It's what a doctor wears around his neck. Can you say "STETH-A-SCOPE" kids?
KIDS
Steth-a-scope.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Jimmy do you know what a doctor uses a stethoscope for?
JIMMY
Umm, to listen to yer heartbeat?
BARNEEZLEBUB
Very good Jimmy. Now why don't you take that stethoscope and let it drop into Larissa's pretty red panties. How does that feel Larissa?
LARISSA
Ooh it's cold... he he... and it's long... he he he... and sort of HARD... HE HE HE!!
BARNEEZLEBUB
So that's a good touch to Larissa! Isn't it wonderful how many different touches can feel good!! Now Larissa, I want you to delicately pinch Tammy's nipple with your pretty painted fingernails. DELICATELY... not too hard... that's it... Does that feel good Tammy?
TAMMY
Well, it hurts just a little bit Barneezlebub... and it makes me feel warm in my underpants... but it still feels kind of nice.
LARISSA
It makes me feel good too... in MEAN kind of way.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Now boys and girls, that's the best kind of touch... a touch that makes both the one who's being touched and the one who's touching feel good.
Bursting into song.
Good Touch
Good touch,
I love the feeling so much.
Because it feels so good.
Some are soft as a Teddy bear,
And some are hard like wood.
Warm and fuzzy slippers on my feet,
You know it’s understood,
It’s a good touch,
We love the feeling so much,
Because it feels so good.
Good touch,
KIDS
GOOD TOUCH!
BARNEEZLEBUB
So many kinds of good touch,
KIDS
GOOD TOUCH!
BARNEEZLEBUB
For all to have and hold.
KIDS
REALLY GOOD TOUCH!
Kids stand in line and kick Billy across the stage in a synchronized way. He yelps in pain.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Such joy,
For every little girl and boy,
No matter young or old.
Barneezlebub kicks Billy back to the other side of the stage.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
This kind,
Sends a shiver up my spine.
It’s the kind that’s good as gold.
And that’s good touch,
KIDS
GOOD TOUCH!
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
We love that feeling so much.
KIDS
GOOD TOUCH!
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
It’s a touch that feels so bold.
KIDS
REALLY GOOD TOUCH!
LARISSA (singing)
Holding little bunnies in the petting zoo...
JIMMY (singing)
Grandma squeazin' real tight...
TAMMY (singing)
Crawlin’ inta bed with Mom and Dad...
BILLY (singing)
Just the kinda touch that'll last all night.
Billy pees his pants and squirts pee all over the audience.
KIDS (singing)
JUST THE KINDA TOUCH THAT'LL LAST ALL NIGHT!!
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing and dancing)
Good touch,
KIDS
GOOD TOUCH!
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
We love the feeling so much.
KIDS
GOOD TOUCH!
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
Because it feels so good.
KIDS
REALLY GOOD TOUCH!
TAMMY (singing)
Some are soft as a Teddy bear...
BILLY (singing)
And some are hard like wood...
JIMMY (singing)
Warm and fuzzy slippers on my feet...
LARISSA (singing)
You know it’s understood...
BARNEEZLEBUB & KIDS (singing)
They’re all good touch,
We love that feeling so much.
The children dance in slow motion, Bob Fosse style. They grope each other and end up in an orgiastic heap on the floor.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing slowly)
It feels so nice,
You should try it twice,
Because it feels ...
Children jump up from their orgiastic heap, laughing and clapping.
BARNEEZLEBUB (singing)
So good!
Barneezlebub exits front of stage and through the house. The children follow vamping on "Good Touch" music.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Hey kids, come back to my dressing room. I've got something really big and purple to show you.
Spotlight on Jimmy. He pauses at edge of stage to observe the baloney sandwich on the floor. He picks up the sandwich, tenderly removes the meat, and touches it to his face. He smiles. Enraptured with the sensation of cold baloney on his skin, he begins rubbing the meat on his face and neck , as he unbuttons his pajama top. Blackout.
Projected text: “Twelve Years Later.” Lights come up on Grampaw, an old hillbilly with a big gray beard seated in a rocking chair, He puts a wad of chewing tobacco. into his mouth, then whittles on a stick. Jimmy, half naked, begins dressing himself in a fancy cowboy suit.
GRAMPAW
So boy... tonight's yer big night eh...
JIMMY
That's right Grampaw, tonight's the night of the Sadie Hawkins Day dance.
GRAMPAW
Ya know Jimmy, I did have a way with the girlies back when I was yer age. I reckon you can say the same thang 'bout yerself.
JIMMY
Oh no Grampaw, I ain't got a way with girls like you had.
GRAMPAW
Whataya mean boy? The way ya done growed up, ya probly look sweet as fresh cut alfalfa ta them young phillies. (Spit)
JIMMY
I don't know Grampaw. I ain't never bin out with no girls before and Tammy... well she's just so perdy. I never done thought a homecomin' queen would ever ask me out on no date. Lucky fer me she done stop seein' Elvis Taylor... ya know the quarterback on the football team.
GRAMPAW
Now wherdya meet this here Tammy girl?
JIMMY
She was workin' down at the bowlin' alley. I guess I just started gettin' to know her whenever she got me my shoes and so-dee-pop.
GRAMPAW
Hmmm... and ya say she's a Homecomin' queen? I recon she musta got around some ehh?
JIMMY
Gee, I don't know Grampaw.
GRAMPAW
Well boy, you gotta spect anythin' kin happen on a night like tonight. Now if this here Tammy bin a girl who got around a bit, you gotta know if she is or ain't got somethin' you don't want. (Spit)
JIMMY
Whataya mean Grampaw?
GRAMPAW
Jimmy, lemme tell ya a little secret. Back when I was about yer age, I had a little trick I used fer findin' out if a girl got some sorta cooties that I don't wanna git. See, whatcha do is, when ya get inta her underbritches, ya take some of yer chewin' tobacco from yer cheek and ya put a little on the end of yer finger. Then if she squeals a little bit when yer feelin' around down in her nether regions, yaknow she’s got somethin’ ya don’t wanna catch and ya don't wanna go down there. (Spit)
Music starts: "Chewin' Tabacca Prophylactic"
JIMMY
Hey Grampaw, that there's a real neat trick. How'd ya learn that one?
GRAMPAW
That's a little somethin' my Grampappy Jeremiah showed me. Here. lemme tell ya all about it...
He picks up a banjo and sings
Chewin' Tabacca Prophylactic
Chewin' Tabacca Prophylactic
Burnin' nicotine squeal,
Microscopic fistula prevents the purple peal.
Chewin' Tabacca Prophylactic
Grampaw told me so...
JIMMY (singing)
Now I know all the right places to go.
Grampaw spits
GRAMPAW (singing)
Chewin' Tabacca Prophylactic
Where the moon don't shine.
Hay loft smellin' sweet tonight
I think I'll go behind.
Chewin' Tabacca Prophylactic
Grampaw told me so...
JIMMY (singing)
Now I know all the right places to go.
Grampaw spits
GRAMPAW (singing)
Chewin' Tabacca Prophylactic
Slippery Lili's got them bugs.
I'll just stick with them sweet jugs,
Don't leave home without yer plug.
Chewin' Tabacca Prophylactic
Never fibs er lies,
Cheek n' gum from mouth ta bum,
The rabbit never dies.
Chewin' Tabacca Prophylactic
Grampaw told me so...
Jimmy grabs Grampaw's tin of Skol and gives Grampaw the thumbs up.
JIMMY (singing)
Now I know all the right places to go.
Grampaw spits. Black out. Spotlight on drunken Barneezlebub holding a bottle of whiskey.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Thank you. thank you. I can't even imagine what the hell was going through the academy's mind when they selected me for this Oscar. (Holds up corked whiskey or brandy bottle) Excuse me while I uncork its head and toast all the little people I either ate or stepped on to get here. This award for Best Super Contorting Whore is for me, me, me and little old me. Is Best Super Contorting Whore better than Best Supporting Actor? I just want you to know. I didn't do it for the money. It was for the cocaine and a couple of under age hookers. O.K. So twelve years have gone by and Jimmy's still a virgin. These things take time. He's got his tin of Skol and that sloped forehead kind of wisdom only five inbred generations of love could half bake. This could be the night for he and Tammy. What a glorious night for them. What a glorious night for me and Oscar's libascious cousin. I would also like to thank all of you, for loving me, because without you, my beloved audience, I would have loved myself too much. Without uninvolved numb in the bum seat warmers like you none of this would exist. I wouldn't exist, nothing but the smelly black hole of voiditude. I owe everything to you and your lousy eight bucks. Let's play that clip from Tammy's Paw's barn. Tonight kids, Tammy will reveal something she has never shared with any boy... Little does Jimmy Joe-Bob know, that the cup of temptation he is about to sip from, contains a double shot. (takes a swig of whiskey)
Projected text: Tammy's Paw's Barn. Sound of night crickets and cows mooing. Lights up on Tammy and Jimmy sitting in a stack of hay. Jimmy massages Tammy's feet.
JIMMY
Sorry Tammy, I guess I ain't much of a dancer. How do yer feet feel?
TAMMY
They feel reel good now Jimmy. You got real nice hands.
JIMMY
Aw thanks Tammy. Maybe ya outta tell that to the coach.
Tammy giggles.
JIMMY
I sure do feel lucky ya decided to ask me ta the Sadie Hawkins dance. I hope it's OK we left early.
TAMMY
Why sure it is, All I really want is ta be alone with ya anyhow. I get so tard of all those other boys eyein' me up like a buncha wolves. But yer sweeter than all of em.
JIMMY
How do ya mean?
TAMMY
Well I remember the first time I saw ya down at the bowlin' alley... when ya came up and asked me for a bowlin' ball. Now, most of the other boys'll come up and ask me fer the biggest ball I got just ta make me think they're all big and strong. But you just asked fer one of them little ten pounders. I remember how you put yer fingers in it real slow n' gentle... ta make sure it fits right. See, that's what makes ya differnt from the others. You didn't try ta impress me none. You was only after a bowlin' ball that fits right. That's what I admire about ya the most.
JIMMY
Aww gee Tammy... that's a real sweet thang to say.
TAMMY
Commeer Jimmy, (Grabs his bow tie and pulls him closer) I got somthin' else real sweet fer ya...
Romantic music swells. They kiss. As things get hotter and heavier, Jimmy opens his can of Skol, grabs a wad of tobacco and quickly chews it up. He then dabs his finger in his mouth and pulls out a little chaw. He awkwardly moves his hand up Tammy's leg under her prom dress. Jimmy looks shocked and jumps up from the haystack as sweet music clangs into dissonance.
JIMMY
T-T-Tammy, I think you got sometin' the matter with you down thar.
TAMMY
Oh no Jimmy, they ain't nothin' the matter with me. One outa every ten thousand girl babies is born with two of em. Paw says I'm special just like a four leaf clover. But they ain't nothin' wrong with em. They both work just fine.
JIMMY
Oh no Tammy. This ain't right. This ain't natural. Besides, I don't know if we should be doin' this bein' it's our first date en all. I wanna respect ya just like my Mama taught me to.
TAMMY
Jimmy, I bin savin' myself fer seventeen years fer a boy like you. I figured a nice sweet boy such as yerself would be sensitive and understand bout my... specialness-es. I really want my first two times to be special... ya know?
JIMMY
Wull Tammy... I... I...
Music starts
Bowlin' Ball Babe
TAMMY (standing up)
Jimmy, I AIN'T gonna be the only girl in school who ain't gettin' what's comin' to her on the night of Sadie Hawkins. Just try it... real gentle like... sorta the way you was with that bowlin' ball.
JIMMY
Tammy... I...
TAMMY
Just try it... it's TWICE as NICE... you'll see.
JIMMY
Well... OK I will fer you. But I still don't think it's right n' natural.
Tammy and Jimmy make out. He sits her back down on the hay and cautiously reaches under her dress again. He is nervous, but curiously eager to explore. Tammy groans with pleasure as he feels around and sings.
JIMMY
I fantasized bout a bowlin' ball babe.
Look in her eyes,
What a surprise.
She's a bowlin' ball babe.
Skin is so purdy her hair is a mess.
TAMMY
The way that I look nobody would guess...
JIMMY (To audience)
She's a bowlin' ball babe.
Jimmy crawls underneath the huge skirt of her dress to perform oral sex.
TAMMY
Yer just half a man till ya bin in between,
But I'm twice as fun if ya know what I mean...
JIMMY (Popping his head out from her skirt)
But she's a bowlin' ball babe.
Tammy climbs on top of Jimmy and fucks him.
TAMMY
When we're together we'll have nothin' but fun...
JIMMY (As if having finally seen the light.)
She's two, two, two girls in
one. She's a bowlin' ball babe.
TAMMY
It's my little secret
At first I couldn't tell ya cuz I didn't think ya would understand.
JIMMY
But when ya gave me a hit,
From yer seven ten split I knew exactly what I held in my hand.
(Orgasmic) GUTTER BALL! STRIKE!!
TAMMY (screaming)
SPARE!!!
JIMMY
I fantasize bout my bowlin' ball babe
Look in yer eyes,
What a surprise,
Yer my bowlin' ball babe.
The couple embraces. Song ends.
TAMMY
Now let's try the other one.
Spotlight on Barneezlebub looking through a round shaped hand mirror with no glass.
BARNEEZLEBUB
I see Jimmy's Jimmy, it goes by James, and I can spy with my leering eye Tammy's double whammy of a mince meat pie. Oh, I see Jimmy and I see Tammy and I see some of you preverts are sporting wood so let's start the lesson for today. The lesson for today kids is that bowling is for fags. Bowling, like sex, is just a game. Not like football. The greatest fucking game ever invented is a God Damn sport. Bowling is all in the wrist. Football embodies the fundamental male desire to conquer his fellow man in a big sweaty heap of male bonding. Just watching manly men play football in tight white stretch pants provides real men with all the flexing man muscle they need to build a really good sweat of their own just sitting at home. You don't see fags patting each other on the ass after a good play or snapping towels in the locker room like beefy football studs, oh no. Let's down a few brewskies kids and take in a good American game of footfags... I mean balls. I want grass stains on my knees. I want the taste of victory to roll around in my mouth. I should call up that purple teletubby. He's always up for some fun and games. Anyway, Take a look at how well I've corrupted my other protégé's. I am good!! I am so good!!! I see Larissa and I see Billy.... Now lets see how football can be an event that brings one man closer to his fellow man.
Projected text: "Poon Tang Dynasty Entertainment, NewYork City" Lights up on Larissa, in black leather and a whip, Billy, wearing the top half of a football uniform. and two girls in slutty cheerleader costumes holding super 8 cameras.
LARISSA
Think rough. Think tough. You're a fuckin' football player.
BILLY
O.K. But how do I?....
LARISSA
Shhh. Don't talk. Just listen. Now you stand up strong, as if you were a real man, and flex your fuckin' muscles.
Larissa demonstrates. Billy tries to copy her, but he is unable to drop his nelly posturing.
LARISSA
No. no. That's not gonna cut it. Try this.
Larissa demonstrates. Billy again tries to copy her, but fails.
LARISSA
That's the best you can do? You gotta be fuckin kidding me.
BILLY
Sorry, I'm trying.
LARISSA
Hey did I tell you you could fuckin talk?
BILLY
No.
LARISSA
Then shut the fuck up.
BILLY
Yes mistress
LARISSA
I said shut up
BILLY
O.K.
LARISSA
Shut your fuckin trap, you scrawny little girlie boy and don't talk back, understand? (she whips him mercilessly) When I say boo you jump. When I give an order I you fuckin follow it. And never a-fuckin' gain do I ever-a fuckin' gain want to hear you fuckin talk back!!! Got it?
BILLY
Yeah.
LARISSA
AHHH!!!! I give up. Lets just shoot this fucker.
The music Purple Helmet plays.
BILLY
Goin' to the stadium, tryin to catch a game
We're gonna play the Seahawks. I hear they're pretty lame.
Standin' in the ticket line checkin' out the chicks
Lookin' at my program, makin' my fantasy picks
Two hunky guys run out in football uniforms and act out football plays as Billy sings and undulates.
BILLY & BOYS
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
BILLY
Our running back hits like a bull and runs like a gazelle.
You can see that our offense is really starting to gel.
Our receivers catch the frozen rope with sticky hands like glue.
And when our kicker takes the field, he's always straight and true.
Our cornerbacks and safeties intercept most every ball.
But with our front four, their quarterback can hardly throw at all.
Our linebackers can snuff the pass and contain them on the ground
Add to that our special teams, we're really gonna pound.
BILLY & BOYS
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
BILLY
I know you think our quarterback's a jaded little girl.
But he's the best fucking quarterback in the God damn world.
You've probably seen our coach in drag wearing frilly things,
But when he makes a fist its full of Super Bowl rings.
BILLY & BOYS
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
Football is a great game!
The music takes on a disco beat. The two hunky guys strip off their uniforms as Billy sings and undulates. They perform homo erotic sex acts on each other and Billy through the end of the song.
BILLY
I just love a good tight end who can split the seam
And get up after he's taken a good licking.
Or a strong safety who gives his man a good hard stick
whenever he's in a bump and run coverage.
I can really appreciate the use of the run and shoot,
Especially against a soft zone
Or when a wide receiver lines up in the slot
Isolated on a tight, tight man to man,
And scores on a deep post pattern.
I love a team who can score six
Every time they penetrate the red zone
And who is always successful coming in and out of the bye.
Or a team that can cover a spread of seven and a half,
when the over under is sixty nine.
I love a full back who hits the hole with authority,
Or a quarterback who can punch it into the end zone
On a naked bootleg at the end of a two minute drill.
And its always best when the referees let my boys keep playing,
And leave those nasty yellow handkerchiefs in their back pockets.
LARISSA
Print that mother fucker.
Film crew starts to exit. Black out. Spotlight on Barneezlebub, Tammy and Jimmy in an embrace.
BARNEEZLEBUB
Now let's get back to Tammy and Jimmy who became sweethearts...
Barneezlebub makes them kiss.
and spent a wonderful summer together.
Barneezlebub makes them hump.
Until....
Barneezlebub pushes Jimmy away. Jimmy exits waving good bye.
Jimmy went off to Texas A & M to study Animal Husbandry. Letters weren't enough. Stricken with loneliness, Tammy quit her job at the bowling alley and drove down to Lubbock. Now she’s going to visit Jimmy’s frat house so she can be with him forever and ever.
Tammy exits. Black out. Projected text: "I Tappa Kegga, Jimmy's Frat House." Frat Boy 1 and 2 are seated in front of a TV watching a football game.
FRAT BOY 1
Run god damn it RUN! Wooo Hooo!
Frat boys shoot guns in the air.
FRAT BOY 2
Boy I tell ya, them Aggies are gonna stomp some ass this year.
FRAT BOY 1
Hey the commercial’s on. Go git us some more beers from the
frige.
FRAT BOY 2
Oh alright.
Tammy enters.
TAMMY
Hi, I’m Tammy... Jimmy Joe-Bob’s friend from back home. I knocked but ya musta notta heard me.
FRAT BOY 1
Oh hey Tammy. Jimmy Joe-Bob told us all about ya. (He takes a swig from his beer, then offers it to Tammy) Ya wanna beer?
TAMMY
Uh... no thanks. Yall seen Jimmy Joe-Bob around anywhere?
FRAT BOY 2
I think he’s still at the lie-barry but he should be back anytime. It ain’t like him to miss watchin’ the Aggies and Longhorns play.
FRAT BOY 1 (To the TV)
Break his spine... BREAK HIS SPINE!!!!
Jimmy enters.
JIMMY
Hey fellas... (Surprised) TAMMY! (Gives her a big hug and kiss.) What are ya doin’ down here sweety?
TAMMY
I missed ya so I thought I’d come down and see ya. Ain’t nothin’ worth doin’ back home anyway. Do ya miss me too honey?
JIMMY
Oh I sure do baby. So when didja git here anyhow?
TAMMY
Thursday mornin’.
JIMMY
Thursday? Whatcha bin doin’ fer the last two days?
TAMMY
Wull honey, on Thursday I found me a job and yesterday I got me an efficiency apartment. Now we can be alone together any ole time we want.
JIMMY
Wull that’s real nice sweety but this is all real sudden like. Don’tcha thank we shoulda talked about it first?
TAMMY
It was a surprise. I knowed you was havin’ trouble buyin’ books and payin’ tuition... so I thought I would git me a good job so’s I could help ya pursue yer dreams.
JIMMY
Aww that’s real sweet Tammy. So what’s yer new job then?
TAMMY
I’m workin’ at a place called Mojo’s.
FRAT BOY 1
Did I hear somethin’ bout Mojo’s? Ain’t that the strip joint out on the interstate?
FRAT BOY 2
That’s right. It’s the birth place of the Texas style couch dance.
JIMMY
A-a-a strip bar? You mean where girlies take their clothes off?
TAMMY
Now don’tcha worry ‘bout a thang Jimmy Joe-Bob. I already done two shifts down thar. They pay me five times more than the bowlin’ alley ever did and the management at Mojo’s is real nice.
JIMMY
You mean you got naked in front of a bunch of strangers?
TAMMY
And don’tcha go gittin’ jealous neither. It’s against Mojo’s club policy fer the girls to fraternize with the customers. Besides, I didn't git all the way naked. I gotsta keep my undies on.
JIMMY
But Tammy... uh...
TAMMY
Oh baby, won’t ya please be happy fer me and support my decision? After all, I only did it fer you.
JIMMY
Well,... I guess if ya gots ta keep yer undies on.
(She gives him a big kiss and a hug. Bowling Ball Babe music plays.)
JIMMY
Oh I love ya baby.
TAMMY
I love you too hunn. Ain’t nuthin’ gonna stand in the way of our happiness now. After ya finish with yer schoolin’ I can quit Mojo’s and we kin git married and git us a ranch jist like we was plannin’.
JIMMY
Uhh yeah Tammy, that’d be real nice. we kin raise us some cattle n’ sheep n’ a few youngins to do the chores...
TAMMY
Oh Jimmy Joe-Bob!
She lifts her dress to reveal a big round pregnant belly
JIMMY
What's that Tammy? You been drinkin' alot of beer or somepin?
TAMMY
No, honey, we got a bun in the oven. We gotta love that’s gonna last ferever.
Jimmy and Tammy make out as the frat boys yell at the TV and shoot their guns in the air.
FRAT BOY 1
Wooo Hoooo!!! BREAK HER SPINE! BREAK HER SPINE!!!
FRAT BOY 2
GO GO!!!
Black out. Spotlight on Barneezlebub. Enter Larissa sleepwalking. Barneezlebub manipulates her during monologue and sends her off in the direction of MoJo's
BARNEEZLEBUB
At the birthplace of the Texas style couch dance, there’s a special room in the back where only the best customers get to go. Only the best dancers get to go there too. Since Tammy is Mojo’s very best dancer, tonight she’s about to meet Mojo’s very best customer... and her very first celebrity. Now, it is very sad but true boys and girls, but celebrities don’t have to follow the same rules as the rest of us... and neither do Police officers.
Black out. Projected text: Mo Jo's Strip Bar" Lights up on Larissa dragging Billy in a leather collar at the end of a leash.
LARISSA
Its your fuckin fault, you pathetic moron. If the little salty peanuts that hang below your pencil dick could fuckin act, we wouldn't be mother fuckin broke again.
BILLY
Sorry.
LARISSA
Shut the fuck up. Who's idea was it anyway to make a homo erotic fuckin' football film? All those redneck football fans are a bunch of closet fags. And those nelly queens who are out don't even pretend to like football. So who the fuck is our audience? Huh? Who's fuckin bright idea was it to spend our last fuckin' cent on that fucked up idea?
BILLY
Yours.
LARISSA (whips him violently)
Shut the fuck up! I hate your fucking worthless guts, you vapid piece of shit! You hopeless dense loser! You irrelevant heap of senseless garbage!!! (regaining her composure) Now, lets go find some pretty pussy to exploit. That shit sells.