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The GoaTease: Mortgaging the Farm (Flaming Flatulence, FF3 CD)

Signal to Noise


This 28 song disc is packed-full of song snippets and sonic weirdness. It'd be difficult to describe these tracks as "songs," due to their random, improvisational nature. Most of the cuts are little more than a sample, drum-machine and occasional guitar. The pieces continue for a random amount of time, without changes, until they fade away. Some of it is interesting, (the Chipmunks-like samples and tepid, muzak chord progressions of "Jazz"), but it's difficult to get any real worth from the disc. "Brooks Veriline 100" is an honest-to-goodness pop song, with distorted vocals and acoustic guitar, but it's kind are the minority. But hell, the album's free, so might as well give it a shot. GoaTease info is available at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/goatease


The GoaTease: Chain Tape


Demorama, July, 2002


This CD has an inane little gimmick: it is not merely a CD, but a "chain tape" (only it's not a tape, but you get the picture). The poor hapless schmuck who gets burdened with this CD (me) is urged to send seven copies to people -- otherwise they will be burdened with BAD LUCK. Oh no! Also enclosed is a list of "THIRTEEN THINGS THAT WILL ENHANCE YOUR LISTENING ENJOYMENT", but in lieu of reprinting it I will just make up my own list -- THIRTEEN THINGS THAT RUINED MY LISTENING ENJOYMENT: 1) The band is on a label called "Flaming Flatulence." You do not want to see their logo. Trust me. 2) The CD starts out with the band covering the theme from the cartoon Jem, only replacing "Jem" with "Goatease." They also sound more effeminate than Jem and the Holograms. 3) Everything about this CD seems calculated to annoy the bejeezus out of the listener. This is probably why most of the songs are less than two minutes, because they'd just get skipped past after a minute or two anyways. 4) When they ditch the stupid grating Casio gimmick and actually start sounding like they might be performing a decent straightforward song (i.e. "And To The Shoes"), the singer pipes in with a horrific combination of crap vocals and also-crap lyrics. (ibid: "We're all prisoners in this house of Cheddar", sung like Mark Mallman imitating Ethel Merman... the hell?) 5) Electronically altered chipmunk voices. GOD NO. 6) Poorly-played banjo. VERY poorly-played banjo. AND TUNE THE DAMN THING YOU MORONS. 7) Incompetent sample-based noise experiments. Think Negativland trapped in a Port-o-san. 8) A horribly forced "OH WE ARE SO WACKY AND NON-SEQUITORIAL AND ZAPPA-ESQUE" song structure and lyrical bent. Locusts with Jane Fonda faces burrowing into your kneecaps? BAD SHROOMS MAN. 9) "Cute" instruments. The aforementioned banjo, a toy whistle... there's probably a kazoo in there, too, though I wasn't brave enough to listen to the whole demo to find out. 10) Smirky inclusion of song snippets by AC/DC and Van Halen as an ostensible parody of "meathead rock" or whatever these stupid fucking dorks call it -- too bad hearing bits of "Running With the Devil" is the only pleasure I got from this CD. 11) Masturbatory percussion. I don't mean Keith Moon going batshit with drum rolls and the like; I mean a three year-old banging on pots and pans randomly with a tire iron and calling it "art." Please, stop it. 12) "Noise" tracks. "Dude, let's record the sound of a Garden Weasel running across a rusty sheet of aluminum!" Bastards. 13) The single worst cover of a James Brown song EVER, combining pretty much every single element I've already discussed. The Godfather of Soul says "Goatease, eat my shit! Good god!" This CD is thirty tracks long. It has a running time of 79 minutes, 55 seconds. It is prominently labeled "DO NOT ACCEPT MONEY FOR THIS ALBUM. IT CONTAINS UNCLEARED SAMPLE MATERIAL AND IS ILLEGAL TO SELL", which means I probably won't get anything for it at Cheapo. It actually caused physical pain to my eardrums. If I actually followed the instructions on the back of this CD and sent it to seven different people I would make seven different enemies faster than you can say "sonic venereal disease," and that's not my idea of good luck by a long shot. In short: NOT ONLY IS THIS IS THE SINGLE WORST DEMO I HAVE EVER REVIEWED IN MY FOUR-YEAR TENURE WITH DEMORAMA, THIS IS THE WORST ALBUM I HAVE HEARD IN MY LIFE AND I HATE GOATEASE FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER DAMN IT. Worst of the motherfucking worst and don't you forget it. (Nate Patrin)


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